Much like men, when it’s time to hit the town women travel in packs. The problem with that is for a dude at a party approaching a pack of girls in order to take a shot at the girl you like can be like taking on an entire team of super villains all with their own unique abilities and weaknesses. If you want to be a hero and save the day you’re going to need help. Bros we need a strategic plan of action and intel on whose in the group and what does it take to get with her.
Now let’s see which girls are generally in the female wolf pack.
The Responsible One
Code name: “The babysitter”
Intel on the Babysitter: She’s usually the one chick that’s not blackout drunk by midnight. She will be focused on the group at all times. Her mission is to get everyone to the party and back home safely. She’s basically running a daycare for drunken adults for the entire night. You can easily identify her by her conservative clothing and smug facial experience, when you see her you will wonder “Wow what’s Sara Palin doing downtown Detroit.”
Powers and abilities: She as the unique ability to turn down free drinks. She has a 360-degree field of vision, which is vital when her super human cock-blocking abilities kick in. No matter how funny or entertaining you are, her stern Samuel L. Jackson like facial expression will remain the same. You may have checked your coat at the door but she checked her humanity at the door as well.
How to get with her: Let her see that you’re in same boat, allow her to see you caring for your drunken buddy. She will be happy to see she’s not the only one loaded down with responsibility. Don’t expect sex, though, no matter what you think, remember you have a better chance of beating Jesus in a foot race across a lake than you do of getting this chick in the sack. Don’t worry you’re not missing much; you see she’s terrible at sex. Sex, like most things, requires practice to get good at it and this chick has missed so many practices her nick-name is Allen Iverson. A sexual encounter with her is like going to boot camp, you just signed up for a bunch of commands to be yelled at you and no matter how well you do it won’t be good enough.
The Ugly One
Code Name: WTF
Intel on “WTF”: You will know who she is INSTANTLY. There are easy ways to spot her, she usually has car keys because she had to drive all the girls to the club. If she wasn’t willing to be that night’s designated driver there’s no way that troop of hot girls would ever drag the female version of Ndamukong Sue to every party with them. No matter how dark the club is, her busted face will shine like a rapper’s jewelry at the Source Awards. As she leans in to speak to you your cheek is tickled by her thick, impressive and distinguished mustache which will leave you thinking “Oh man, Tom Selleck is totally hitting on me.” Don’t let this Magnum P.I stunt double get to close because she will grab onto you and her grip which has been strengthened by years of evolution in order to help her climb trees and catch salmon swimming upstream is not easy to break.
Power and abilities: “WTF” has the ability to walk past any mirror or reflective surface and not recognize her uncanny resemblance to former Vice President Dick Cheney. WTF is not picky because well…she can’t be. WTF has to take whatever she can get, looking like her and being picky would be like a homeless person going to a soup kitchen and asking to see a menu. Don’t let her fun house mirror facial features throw you she has a wide variety of special talents due to being without any male assistance her whole life, she can change a tire, change the oil, cut the grass, bareknuckle fist fight a black bear, stair at the sun and make the sun turn away first, out run a grey hound (the bus and the dog), walk barefoot on hot asphalt due to her Bilbo Baggins like feet and somehow her teeth are unaffected by any form of modern toothpaste, which is how her teeth maintain that healthy brownish glow. There are no modern dental technologies that can help her; she needs priest and a dedicated construction crew that specializes in heavy demolition to fix that grill.
How to get with her: Don’t, under any circumstances, do that. Just don’t. A sexual encounter with her is like fighting in Vietnam; once it starts, all you will want is to do is go home, never talk about it and it will haunt your dreams forever.
The Drunk One
Code Name: Slurred
Intel on “Slurred”: She’s here for one reason and one reason only: to get drunk and to stay drunk. She pre-gamed at the house, she drank in the car on the way to the party, she has shot bottles in her purse, she accepts drinks from anyone; guys, girls, old men, old ladies, bouncers, bums, stalkers, and if Jack the Ripper bought her a drink she would happily take a midnight stroll through foggy old England with him. The phrase she hears most from other people is “What did you just say?” Her speech will be inaudible, loud and paired with hiccups and randomness. Any story she tells you will randomly veer off road into the land of “Huh.” Not many people can start off telling you about where they go to school and somehow the story ends with, “Yeah, so just because I threw up and got in a fight with this other girl they were, like, ‘you’re banned, don’t ever come back,’ but I don’t care because I don’t even like that church”
Powers and abilities: There is no known limit to her drinking abilities. Much like the unstoppable Juggernaut she just yells and stomps around. She can vomit multiple times and continue partying. Nothing stops her — not a broken heel, smeared make-up, multiple falls hitting the concrete hard and jumping right back up by the end of the night she’s got so many scrapes and bruises it looks like she just competed in the X-Games. She drinks it all, she has no preference; beer, vodka, gin, wine, gasoline, rocket fuel it doesn’t matter if she can get a buzz she’s all for it. Watch her cradle that 40oz like a baby with a bottle yelling random things as she cruises the party like Ozzy Osborn with tits.
How to get with her: Just be the dude at the door. That’s all it takes. Due to having a blood alcohol level that could kill an entire football team combined, her short term memory is shot. Squirrels have longer attention spans than she does. Much like a door prize all you need to do is stand at the exit of the club and wait for the sound of slurred speech and random yelling and once you realize that’s not Garry Busey you can simply throw one of her arms over your shoulder and help her to her car. During sex don’t let the fact that she sounds like Bobcat Goldthwait during his audition for a Police Academy movie throw you off or the issue that she has called you by seven other dudes name. Her hangover will be around longer than you because with the dawn comes your exit so wish that lump of shame laying under the covers a fond farewell as you tip toe through the destroyed apartment that resembles Haiti after the earthquake she calls home.
The Promiscuous One
Codename: The Rental
Intel on The Rental: No need to go to an after party, because she IS the after party. Her overly forward sexual advances are enough to make any man feel awkward. She cruises the party grabbing crotches and slapping asses. You can usually tell which one she is because her dress will be two sizes too small and she won’t be wearing underwear. Let’s be honest, this chick wearing underwear would be like using Popsicle sticks to build a pin for a bull, it’s just an unnecessary barrier. Her random make out sessions and willingness to go to 2nd base in a crowded party makes her the prom queen at every club, college campus and job site.
Powers and abilities: Her steel vagina which has been beaten up more times than a boxer’s face. Don’t worry, that noise you hear is not someone blowing over the top of a glass jug, it’s not a tug boat’s whistle, it’s not a train coming, it’s simply the noise the wind makes as it blows over the top of that grand canyon like opening she calls a vagina. If she were to have children they wouldn’t need to be delivered they could simply stand up and walk out with luggage in hand. More guys have passed through that vagina than the gates of hell.
How to get with her: Most likely you already have been. Small things turn her on like, blinking, a pulse, breathing, saying interesting thought provoking things to her like “Hello” or “What’s your name.” Be warned, my Bros, sex with her can be different. If you are wondering what’s it like just think about what happened to the dude King Leonidas kicked after yelling “THIS IS SPARTA.” When she goes to the gynecologist he wears a minors helmet to exam her. The good news is that sex is guaranteed. To give you a proper way to gauge how easy it is to have sex with her the following things present more of a challenge.
- Getting wet when it rains
- Finding a parking spot
- Mario Kart
- Being right handed
- Beating a goldfish in a foot race
- Arm wrestling your great grandmother
There you have it my Bros, intel from deep behind enemy lines. Now go out there and claim your prize.