Feminism is hot right now. If this were 2000, feminism would be Nelly, right when Country Grammar came out. And we would all be stoned, riding in the passenger seat of our buddy’s Civic, singing along.
“Mommy Eeeehhh Ah, Eeeeh Ah OOHHHH.”
Nelly was the best. Unfortunately, feminism doesn’t have the same street cred (shoulda been born in the Lou, feminism). But it has nonetheless become one of the planet’s biggest movements.
As you know, I am an unabashed bro. I wear tank tops to weddings and shotgun beers before work. Also, sluts. Love sluts.
But—and this may surprise people—I’m also a feminist. It’s simply impossible to ignore the scads of bullshit women deal with. Like I bet it sucks.
And as last week's absurd Bro-Choice movement* showed us, being a bro and a feminist are not mutually exclusive.
*Their argument is that bros should be pro-choice so they can have risk-free, unprotected sex ALL THE FUCKING TIME. High five.
But that didn’t cover enough. A bro should support every feminist issue. And as one of the internet’s most preeminent, I’m here to navigate all bros through the mensus-filled canals of feminism.
(That was a test. You weren’t supposed to laugh at “mensus-filled.”)
Equal Pay: Women feel severely underpaid for what they accomplish in the office (looking hot, wearing stockings, carrying manila-folders while still being primed for hot workplace sex). As a bro, you want equal pay. Do you know where the antiquated bullshit about you paying for first dates came from? A time when women weren’t allowed bank accounts. You HAD to pay. And you still have to because the average women makes a nickel for the $24 you earn for Gchatting about those sluts from last night. Fucking sluts, man. So no more Bros before Hos. Bros AND Hos.
Birth Control: You have never experienced this because you only date middle-class white women (why wouldn’t you?), but a lot of women can’t afford birth control out-of-pocket. Because of that whole equal pay thing from earlier. So they need to use health insurance. But a lot of people in Congress (paraphrasing here) think sex has nothing to do with health. And we’ll be goddamned if the United States Government starts issuing sex insurance. How do you explain that to Jesus? But a bro should never be anti-access to birth control. If you are, from here out you must start ever single sexual encounter with “I only use the rhythm method and for the duration of this intercourse, you will too.” Good luck.
Sex: Consensual. Only.
Abortion: Do you want a woman who’s afraid to straight merk a fetus? No. So why do you want a government that is?
Derogatory Language: I know we’ve been liberal with our use of the word “slut” here (just like them sluts, yo), but it’s a word you can’t use anymore. Negative terms go out of style. You wouldn’t call someone a fa—bad example. You still do. But the following words are off limits: slut, whore, cunt. And no more daddy issues. I know the words are fun to say, but there’s this whole history of women being stoned to death for promiscuity. Imagine if in ancient times people used to spit on, cut up and sexually assault lacrosse players. Would you really want to be called a Laxer?
Body Matters: You can no longer tell a woman how to look. No more wear a skirt for daddy (unless you are in a committed relationship and have discussed responsible roleplaying). No more “That bitch don’t shave her pits” (should have “bitch” on that bad words list). I get that you think hairy legs are gross. But remember, you once thought beer was gross. You did. It was only when you gave it a fair chance you learned to like it.
Here’s the deal with you and feminism. Go get a six pack of beer and drink four or so. You know that point where you’re a little buzzed and everything seems awesome? (You have also taken Molly in this scenario.) That’s how you should feel about feminism. Words like “cool” and “awesome” should be your response to their ideals.
Because women would be judged if they drank and took MDMA on a Thursday morning. HARLOT! But you aren’t. And if you don’t want to be judged, then you need to be a feminist. If it makes you feel better, we’ll call you a fe-MAN-ist. There.
Click below to read Part 2 of a The Bros Guide to Being a Feminist