Okay, so Wawa is chain of convenience store/gas stations and not a snack itself. And admittedly, their hoagies are slightly above Subway status at best. BUT THE SELECTION PROCESS IS FUCKING BREATHTAKING. Swiping away on touch screens like you’re in an Apple store of deliciousness. Every time I make the drive from NYC to AC, I make sure to stop and get my tap on. The futuristic delivery system almost makes you forget that your sandwich is ultimately being made by a depressed, underpaid serf. Almost.
6. Berger Cookies
I watched all five seasons of the Wire, and not a single mention of Bodymore’s most dangerous drug. Vanilla short bread and Chocolate ganache so good it should be pushed on the streets like yellow tops. For a city best known for a dismal economy and a sky-high murder rate, it’s nice to know there’s still something sweet in Bmore.
One day I was perusing Instagram and came across a snapshot from rapper/circus clown Riff Raff. It was a picture of a bag of Zapp’s Spicy Cajun Crawtators. The caption read “these make my dick hard”. Never has a phrase encapsulated the soul of a product more precisely. Just the right amount of sweet and savory to get any terrible rapper aroused. With flavors like Sweet Creole Onion and Voodoo, I can safely say Riff isn’t the only one to pop a bonedog enjoying Zapp’s.
4. Take 5
Nobody gets Take 5. Nobody. You might get a Snickers or a Reese’s but this wonderful bowel movement-shaped bar so often gets ignored. You know who gets Take 5? My cousin Phillip. He has a Beanie Baby collection worth thousands and once vomited on the front lawn of a church in broad daylight. But he knows what’s good; a masterful combination of all the candy elements-caramel, pretzel, peanut, peanut butter and chocolate. Twix may be the only candy bar with the cookie crunch, but Take 5 is the unsung magnum opus of mainstream junk.
3. Beef Jerky
Not just for amphetamine- addicted truck drivers and tree huggers anymore! I’m not talking about the Slim Jims, those are fucking gross and probably cow dick. I’m referring to a quality filet smoked with love. There’s a lot of brands out there, but my go-to is the 365 Whole Foods Teriyaki. Jerky, like a lot of other poor people food, is experiencing a hipster renaissance. But unlike gluten-free artisanal blueberry fish sticks, a solid jerky will fill you up and not dent your wallet (that’s such a Dad phrase, what’s happening to me?).
2. New York Style Bagel Crisps
What else would expect from a Long Island Jew? As if somehow I’d ever run short on fresh bagels, there is the beloved bagel crisp. What’s next, freeze-dried gefilte fish? Jew jokes aside, the bagel crisp is a monster in the flavor game. I hope they get these in the Midwest; ‘Look Ma, I’m just like Seinfeld!!” Also, if you like Stacy’s Pita Chips but are insecure about your heterosexuality, the Bagel Crisp is a manly alternative. Women love two things: ovulating and Stacy’s. Stick to the Roasted Garlic Bagel Crisp, like a real New Yawk man!
When was the last time you ate a Bugle? 6th grade? Dial-up modem days? While the instrument has never really been my thing, the salty corn chip has a special place in the hearts of millions. Plus, they come in an obscene amount of flavors. If you’ve never had a chocolate peanut butter Bugle, please close your laptop and walk directly into the nearest body of water. I guess what makes the Bugle so underrated to me is its indissoluble link with childhood, kind of like shitting your pants. But just like shitting your pants, Bugles will come back every now and then, and you shan’t forget them. Long live Bugles, the golden trumpet of the snack Gods.
Agree with my list, got any other underrated snacks? Let me know. Also, here is my first foray into rap music, which totally goes with this article, right? Check mine and Fink’s new single, #KoopaTroopaBeach right here!