by Lance Pauker on November 8, 2012

1. Ill-Advised Phone Positioning

I found that this epidemic generally occurs in the collegiate setting, and/or in cases where it's for some reason important to start excessively texting other people despite being in a cab with all five of your friends. Yes, girls and shit, but has texting her back every three minutes EVER been a way to lock anyone down?

Too many people in the backseat leads to the increased tightening of jeans, leading to universal pocket vibrates in which both touching parties believe it is them who is in fact, the dopest. The ensuing re-jockeying for position is beyond a nuisance, and could be flat-out eliminated upon exercising correct cab-phone etiquette:

  • If you need your phone (again, now is the time for a social status reality check), just keep it in your hand
  • If you don’t need your phone, wait the four extra minutes to answer the vibrate
  • If you “think it may have vibrated,” it did not vibrate.

2. Peanut Gallery Comments Regarding the Driver

I am not being sexist here, except for the fact that it seems like the majority of women I get in a cab with decide to be all like “he’s taking forever,” or “he’s going the wrong way,” or “it smells funky in here.” As if the 22 inches separating your voice and the driver somehow makes him immune to what you’re saying? Like the cabbie is talking to anyone else but his nagging mom on that bluetooth, thus tuning her completely out and ONLY focusing on your derogatory bullshit?

Again, probably a good idea to royally piss off the person who could legitimately lock you in the car, drive to the woods, and kill you.

3. “Drive Like Crazy Taxi”

While the millionth person to make a “General Tso’s Chicken” joke may have been awarded a $5,000 gift certificate to PF Changs, no such honor exists for the millionth person to make the crazy taxi joke.

Plus, it’s not like “driving like crazy taxi” will likely result in your death, so there’s that.

4. Excessive Lean-Talk

Really just no excuse for this one. Often happens in groups of threes, particularly there’s one “I’m keeping this threesome together” friend, and two people that only know each other through their mutual joker, and would have nothing to say to each other otherwise.

Case and point. Few weeks ago, took a cab with my high school friend “Blake” and some dude from his med school, “Sal”. I ended up in the middle somehow, meaning that every time “Sal” wanted to talk about some hot girl from med school he was clearly never gonna hook up with, he’d lean over and just unload the saliva, complete with a baffling case of what-the-fuck-did-you-just-eat breath. As if that weren’t enough, the joker decided to assume responsibility for payment (having us chip in of course), except that he didn’t tip. “I don’t believe in it,” he says, like he’s Steve Buscemi from Reservoir Dogs, but is instead a dumbfuck 20-something who has no business comparing himself to anyone because he’s 20.

The conclusion then, is that seat positioning in cabs is everything, particularly given certain friend group realities. But at the same time, if you ever find yourself in a situation that gives you the opportunity to lean-talk over a situationally inferior hombre, don’t be a douchebag. I get that it’s really important for you to act cool in front of your friends, but just try here. 

5. Over-Deodorize

One of the great mysteries of getting into a cab is the smell. Is it leather, vomit, hookup scent, an exotic perfume? Don’t ruin that by being the guy who lathers himself in Old Spice. Not that you should smell like your unfortunate body, but there’s clearly something called overdoing it. And in the enclosed confines of a cab, that shit can be deadly.