Life
by Dennis Rathbone on August 3, 2012

The No-Signal Guy: I’m not asking you to flip on your signal to turn into your driveway. But if we pull up to a four-way stop and you don’t use your blinker, newsflash: I’M NOT A F*CKING MINDREADER. I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU WANT TO GO. And let’s not make every lane change a NASCAR move, because I’m a lot like Danica Patrick when I’m hungover and am likely to end up in the wall. You and the early ‘90s Volvo in front of you are not Magic Man and El Diablo and should not be trying to engage the slingshot.

Shoulder Surfer: This f*cking guy. Everyone is stuck in the exact same traffic, but this guy decides that he’s going to save himself a precious 100 yards at the expense of every other car behind him. They ride the shoulder as long as they can and then expect the cars in front of them to make way for them to merge back in. These are the same guys that would cut the corners while running laps in gym class. People don’t forget.

Semi-Trucks: Based on research done almost exclusively by way of B-level horror movies, semi-truck drivers probably hate you, and will almost certainly murder you if you commit the tiniest infraction. Aside from that, there is nothing worse on the road than sitting behind two semi-trucks driving side by side at five MPH under the limit on a two-lane highway. It makes me want to ritually sacrifice all the remaining endangered panda bears. They could easily move over to one lane, but they won’t because hey, screw you. It’s their road and we’re just driving on it.

Cyclists: Apparently Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France domination has given every middle-aged weekend warrior the idea that they can get anywhere they damn please on a bicycle, even if they have two testicles and should clearly drive instead. They take up your lane, holding everyone up because bicycles are slow as sh*t, they give stupid turning hand signals that look like they’re honoring Hitler. The rules of the road say that they have to abide by the same regulations as cars, but they flaunt their disregard for these openly. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE YOU WEAR AN AERODYNAMIC HELMET.

People With Stick Figure Stickers of Their Family on The Car: It might just be me, I don’t know, but I hate these people. Irrationally and completely. I want to rip off their stickers one by one as I kidnap various members of their family. Bonus hate if they include their pets. Nobody gives a sh*t about who is riding in your baby blue minivan.

I’m all for road rage, but be careful lest you end up like that guy who got a crossbow pulled on him over a traffic dispute. Don’t be these guys and you can make the road a nicer place for everyone. Especially me, who will be texting and driving while speeding and not wearing a seatbelt. But hey, at least I use my goddamn turn signals.

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