There's quite a few items I'd like to see invented before I kick the bucket: A flying car, a microchip to embed in my nose to sniff out whether or not a chick has her period, a bong that automatically rinses out resin, an iPod that automatically selects the one song out of 50,000 that you really wanted to hear, yet still surprises the hell out of you. A few weeks ago I never would have believed someone would be clever enough to invent a robot capable of blasting cold beer cans with a push of a button on an iPhone or stupid enough to create a flaming glove system. But, as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention. The viral video wizards at "Funny or Die" are masters of dreaming up imaginary products and creating spoof commercials. In honor of our Funny or Die theme week, I rounded up the 15 funniest fake Funny or Die products over the last few years and stated a case for whether or not it's in mankind's best interest for these products to remain a fantasy or manifest themselves as real, marketable consumer goods.
Red Bull Energy Douche
Should it be real? Hell no! This is a device we'd never wish upon the world: A product that cleans women's private parts while giving them a caffeinated one-two jolt. Gentlemen, just think about the obsessive-compulsive power trips. In fact, simply the mere idea of chicks douching with such enthusiasm makes me want to blow chunks of the tuna fish sandwich I ate for lunch all over my desk. But, damn, Mandy Moore looks cute in this commercial.
Should it be real? Hell yes! Sure, eco-friendly cars have advanced seven-fold over the last decade. In some parts of the United States you can even get away with driving one without acting like a smug, pretentious, fart-sniffing douchebag ("South Park," anyone?). However, until Detroit develops a V6 standard truck that gets 60 miles to the gallon, the only "green-friendly" car I want to roll around town in is one with a complimentary hookah in the center console. Assuming a Sirus subscription custom programmed to "Jam On," "Deep Tracks," and "The Grateful Dead Channel" comes standard in this whip, I'm in hotbox heaven. Get on this, Honda.
Rite Aide's Fraternity School Shopping
Should it be real? Hell yes! This isn't really a product per se, but more a very fake — yet incredibly smart — advertising campaign that more retailers should embrace. Hey Wal Mart, Target, Walgreens, and CVS: Want to sell more condoms? Then start running some back-to-school, buy-one-get-one-free sales. Also, take notice of the young Olivia Munn in the video. Smoke bomb.
Should it be real? Hell no! Remember all the speculation in early 2009 about Citibank possibly becoming the first nationalized U.S. bank? Here's a dystopian look at how going to your local bank could be just as hellish as standing in line at the DMV. Thanks for paying back those TARP funds, Citibank.
iPhone Murder Apps
Should it be real? Hell no! The world doesn't need more excuses to make women go bat-shit crazy on each other.
Wrangler Really Tiny Jean Shorts
Should it be real? Hell no! America doesn't need more excuses for rednecks and hipsters to wear jorts during the summer. Brett Favre doesn't need more excuses to rock out with his a cock out.