Imagine this: You wake up next to some bird, you're sweating, your head is reenacting a World War II battle, and her hand is awkwardly positioned under your back so it's like your sitting on a land mine. If you move 1/19th of an inch, she'll wake up and immediately start a deep discussion, even if it's four A.M. The movie version is bullshit: the girl is a 10, she lightly yawns, and falls back asleep in her lace panties. Nope, that grenade you took for your boys last night now looks a lot more "big-boned," and since you got your rocks off you do not give a shit about trying to pull the pin on that bomb again. O.K., even if she's hot and it was solid night on the hardwood, you can't lay there and talk about your life aspirations. You have better things to accomplish, like NHL 11 or "Boardwalk Empire" on DVR.
At this point, you need to get out of the pink sheets and back to your frat castle. There's always the option of not giving a shit and walking out, but you don't want to ruin your reputation with any of her smokeshow friends. You have to make it seem like you were a nice guy for even staying until 6 a.m., while also making sure that once the sorority rumor mill starts churning at 7 a.m., you come across as Sir Lancelot who also wielded a golden 8-inch cock. Here's where epic excuses can make you a legend. After the jump, check out our 15 favorites.
1. Early Morning Group Project
This was my absolute go to. I apologize to all the UVA girls reading this right now and realizing my guise. Basically I'd roll over, and start scrambling out of bed. Here it comes: "Where are you going?" This is when you throw on the sad face and start talking about how you're late for a group project meeting and it's due Monday. She'll instantly wonder why at 5:30 a.m. your group decided to have a meeting of the minds. Here's the genius: start rambling off the fake names of group members and assuring her they're all nerds. Clearly she will not know these false people, and she also cannot pretend to, since she knows telling you she knows some pencil-pushing nerd will ruin her credibility all around.
2. Parents in Town
Since you put some YouPorn-style moves on this biddy, she probably wants another shot at the king and hopes you might take her to Chipotle in the near future. On that note, she can't be the one responsible for making you miss breakfast with your parents. There is no way she can convince you to stay on this one.
This can work both ways (that's what she said). If you're a pledge, girls know you are expected to be on guard 24/7. If you're through the process and now a Frat Daddy, you have to be present to run the show back at the house. This excuse covers all hours of the night and is mostly limited to the Spring (unless you're doing Fall rush, which usually tends to blow anyway).
4. Left Credit Card at Bar
Everyone has done it. To make it more urgent, most bars automatically add a ridiculous gratuity if you leave the card beyond a certain point. This can be tricky: she may ask if you want her to walk with you. I once used this excuse, but it backfired. This girl had literally been watching cartoons, yes cartoons all morning and wanted to come with. Emphasize you know the bartender who sets up in the morning and it'll be easier to go solo. Then run, Forrest, run.
5. You're Sad About Something, Need Alone Time
Warning: This can only be used on the girl who listens to Norah Jones and Enya. Most likely she isn't in a sorority and rarely goes out. However, maybe her art project did really well and you caught her slugging back some tequila shots. She'll get wet at the fact you have feelings, and that you want to express them in the solitude of your room.