In case you missed it, Scarlett Johansson recently got some new ink. I’m not sure whether she was trying to say she’s the lucky one, or any guy or girl who gets to see her naked body is lucky. Personally, I like to think it’s the latter, because that makes it seem like she is some type of cold-blooded sex machine… but I digress.
Regardless of how you feel about her tattoo, Johansson will remain hot no matter what she draws on her body. The rest of us are not so lucky.
People get stupid tattoos all of the time. For some reason, when you’re young, permanently defacing your body seems like a great idea. Below are 10 of the worst type of tattoos you can get.
Note: These are normal, everyday tattoos. Obviously, everyone knows getting a teardrop or a swastika is a stupid idea.
If Dave Matthews got a dollar for every time someone tattooed one of his lyrics on their body he could pay off the U.S. debt, buy Google and assassinate his nemesis, Jack Johnson. Just because you like a song doesn’t mean you have to imprint it on your body. Keep it on your iPod and off your arm.
Here’s an idea: Put a tattoo where you can only see it if I tell you about it and then show you. It’s one thing to get a tattoo in a sensitive area that won’t normally see the light of day. Getting one in a spot that is impossible to see unless you show people means you just want to draw attention to yourself.
Please don’t tell me you are very religious because of all the crosses and scripture you have on your body. If that was the case, don’t you think the Pope would look like Wiz Khalifa? I’ll give a pass for the ones that are in remembrance of someone who died, although I’m not sure a cross is the best way to honor your frat brother who prided himself on how many beers, lines and Sig-Delts he could take down in a night.
Seattle Supersonics. Houston Oilers. Los Angeles Rams. What do these teams all have in common? They don’t exist anymore. Forget the fact you are planning to put the logo of a team you CHEER for on your body. What happens if they move? Does having a team’s logo tattooed on you make you a better fan than me? Maybe, but it definitely also means you’re bigger jackass.
Whenever I bring up the idea of getting a tattoo with my dad he always says the same thing, “Never get a women’s name tattooed on you.” Sound advice. Just because things between you and Jenny are going great doesn’t mean it’s time to put her name across your heart in ink. Want to show your affection for your Mrs.? Buy her some diamonds. Worst comes to worse, you break up, take a necklace back and end up haggling with Chumlee to get money for the Bunny Ranch.
Unless you’re getting the flag of your country of origin, you’re making a mistake. For the love of god, just because your great, great grandfather came over on a boat from Italy to Ellis Island does not make you a paisano. I’m all about having pride for where your ancestors are from. That’s what soccer jerseys are for.
Note: Exceptions will be made for immigrants wanting to tattoo the American flag on themselves due to the fact we are such an incredible nation.
Here is another concept I don’t understand. Tattooing the face of a loved on your body. Have you people never heard of photo albums? Whenever I see this it creeps me the fuck out, especially when it’s a baby photo. Who are you kidding? Honestly, all babies look the same to me.
Believe it or not, I choose to watch N.Y. Jets’ football games. The hardest part about watching Gang Green isn’t the subpar quarterback play or a linebacker core that is as slow as molasses. It’s the THING that’s growing on rookie defensive end Quinton Coples’ arm. I get violently ill if I look at it for more than 20 seconds. I don’t know when people decided it would be a good idea to start branding themselves like cattle but it needs to stop. Now.
Here is how I grade tattoos in foreign languages:
You can speak said language: +1
You’ve been to a country where they speak said language: +1
You lived where they speak said language: +1
Someone in your immediate family was born where they speak said language: +1
You got the tattoo where they speak said language: +3
If you don’t finish with at least +2 then you should probably stick with English. Just because you love sushi and Hello Kitty doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to get the Japanese symbol for “Beauty” tattooed above your ass.
Do people still even get these? I figured tattoo artists would just refuse to do them if you asked, kind of like how doctors won’t euthanize people. I assume there is one rogue tattoo parlor out there willing to oblige these tools. For gods sake, if you are dead set on getting it, at least have the guts to wrap it all the way around and not stop at your underarm because it hurts too bad.