Below is a list of the most disgusting things about college life. Please add to it freely.
Pungent scents, poor hygiene, disturbing general appearances, you name it: when you're a freshman you might get the pleasure of inheriting it in the form of your roommate. When I got to college, it amazed me how unprepared some people were to leave home. I don't know how to explain it, but some kids lose all ability to function, or even bathe themselves, when released into the wild. It's not everyone, of course, but I had one roommate who was so inept, I swear he must have been breast fed well into his teens. If this were Singapore I'd probably have had the right to murder him.
9. Pledge Life
Pledging a fraternity is like voluntary slavery, only with more disrespect. If being someone's b*tch for a few months isn't bad enough, the brothers usually go that extra mile to ensure that you are well aware of who is boss. And that, of course, is the guy that's is making you drink something comprised of contents you'd rather never know or hurling a bucket of hot urine on your entire pledge class as you stand fully clothed on the lawn.
8. Fat Girls
They are disgusting to life in general but you will f*ck one in college and for a second, it will make you reconsider your entire existence. And it should. The worst part, though, is that sex with a fat chick lingers. It's the ONE encounter that will come to define your taste in women with your friends. F*ck 10 models after her, it doesn't matter, they will always bring up THAT one time with THAT one water buffalo — who's nickname is never flattering — and all you can do is sit there and take it.
If you must know, the fat chick that popped my “Dammit I f*cked a slob” cherry was, and still is, referred to as the “Michelin Man.” Bless her doughy fupa.
7. Dining Hall Food
I don't know what kind of sick cooking oils or chemicals they stuff in the food but the shit they serve on college campuses will take years off your life. The food in college even made my shit float. Literally, my shit took on the buoyancy of actual logs. I haven't been the same since.
6. Coed Bathrooms
I've taken a shit next to a hot girl before and you know what? The knowledge of what her sweet little asspipe is capable of was not a turn-on to me. I am not some pussy who thinks girls don't shit, I just don't care to be next to one during the act or walk into a stall and see a bloody tampon accompanied by flecks of what used to be a greek salad…yesterday.
5. Residence Halls
The mattresses have been there for decades, the computer chairs are reinforced with semen, and the air circulates over and over again exposing you to everyone else's sickness.
4. Fraternity Houses
If you want to witness the ultimate battle of attrition, go to any fraternity house in the country once pledging is over. The place turns into a landfill and everyone has a “If you don't smell it, then I don't smell it” mentality. It's like letting a chick blow you after you take a shit — you know it's dirty but you can live with it. I never had the misfortune of a having basement in my fraternity, but I will never forget the intoxicating smell that is created when 10 trashcans boiling over with beer cans, dip cups, and discarded take-out meet the hot Florida sun. I'll also never forget the maggots. Lots of maggots.
3. The Lengths People Go to Get F*cked Up
Before you take this the wrong way, I have nothing against getting as f*cked up as your heart desires. Sharing pong cups, reusing shot glasses, none of that shit bothers me. But sometimes people cross the line. People like the guy above, or anyone that's ever gotten curious enough to try jenkem, or my friend who took a trash can — that had spent most of its life serving its intended purpose of harboring trash — and made a gravity bong out of it.
2. Communal Showers
Outside of the nastiness that is already inherent to most community or locker room showers, college can bring some pretty gnarly elements into the mix. When I was a freshman in college, dudes were tuggin' out loads all over the showers. We didn't need to get a letter from the administration (although we did get one) to tell us what was going on, we just had to look down at the grate covering the drain to see jizz and hellaciously long pubes spider-webbed to it. Just thinking about those days makes me want to shower in a hazmat suit.
This is an obvious choice for many disgusting and life-altering reasons. Yet, I won't sit here and advise any of you to wrap it up. You didn't come here for a lecture and I didn't come here to pretend I care about your dick.
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