College is just getting into session and these four years will be some of your best, if you let them be. But our time in college isn't always as enjoyable as we'd like, and in this next month some of you are probably going to figure that out. Whether you are heading to the health center, blowing raw sewage out of your ass, or still trying to figure out what sick God picked out the one emo kid to be your roommate, college can get disgusting at times. I suppose that's what happens when you take parents out of the equation and replace all their care and love with booze and free condoms.
Below is a list of the most disgusting things about college life. Please add to it freely.
Pungent scents, poor hygiene, disturbing general appearances, you name it: when you're a freshman you might get the pleasure of inheriting it in the form of your roommate. When I got to college, it amazed me how unprepared some people were to leave home. I don't know how to explain it, but some kids lose all ability to function, or even bathe themselves, when released into the wild. It's not everyone, of course, but I had one roommate who was so inept, I swear he must have been breast fed well into his teens. If this were Singapore I'd probably have had the right to murder him.
9. Pledge Life
Pledging a fraternity is like voluntary slavery, only with more disrespect. If being someone's b*tch for a few months isn't bad enough, the brothers usually go that extra mile to ensure that you are well aware of who is boss. And that, of course, is the guy that's is making you drink something comprised of contents you'd rather never know or hurling a bucket of hot urine on your entire pledge class as you stand fully clothed on the lawn.
8. Fat Girls
They are disgusting to life in general but you will f*ck one in college and for a second, it will make you reconsider your entire existence. And it should. The worst part, though, is that sex with a fat chick lingers. It's the ONE encounter that will come to define your taste in women with your friends. F*ck 10 models after her, it doesn't matter, they will always bring up THAT one time with THAT one water buffalo -- who's nickname is never flattering -- and all you can do is sit there and take it.
If you must know, the fat chick that popped my "Dammit I f*cked a slob" cherry was, and still is, referred to as the "Michelin Man." Bless her doughy fupa.
7. Dining Hall Food
I don't know what kind of sick cooking oils or chemicals they stuff in the food but the shit they serve on college campuses will take years off your life. The food in college even made my shit float. Literally, my shit took on the buoyancy of actual logs. I haven't been the same since.
6. Coed Bathrooms
I've taken a shit next to a hot girl before and you know what? The knowledge of what her sweet little asspipe is capable of was not a turn-on to me. I am not some pussy who thinks girls don't shit, I just don't care to be next to one during the act or walk into a stall and see a bloody tampon accompanied by flecks of what used to be a greek salad...yesterday.