This Sunday, someone is probably going to run the New York City marathon is less time than it takes my best friend JB to pass a bowel. Whether it is an American, Kenyan, Brazilian, or another third-world superstar, he’ll blow away the field with an impressive time. He will likely cross the finish in just over 2 hours, effectively making the laymen -- who complete the event in twice that time -- feel inadequate.
Marathons aren’t for everybody. Hell, leaving the couch isn’t for most Americans. There are, however, some races or events (that don’t call themselves “races” because our country has adopted the p*ssy mentality of “everyone’s a winner”) that you can enter to test your manliness if running for countless hours isn’t your idea of a fine time.
Today we have pulled together 10 events that anyone can do, even if they are a stepping stone to something more glorious. I’ve taken the liberty of categorizing these exhibitions of the “most fit” by difficulty into three separate buckets with the least challenging first. I have also excluded anything that would be considered a professional race like the Tour De France or American Gladiators.
A Pre-Pubescent Boy Could Do It
5K and 10K’s
This is a great starting point, sure, but I just love those people who brag about running a 5K like it’s an accomplishment worthy of high praise. “No, I can’t go out tonight; I have to rest up, plus I’m carb loading because I have the race in the morning.” It's 3 f*cking miles, you p*ssy! It takes less than a half hour! I have to get up and feverously whack off for 25 minutes; you don’t see that stopping me. Anything less than a 15K is no excuse to squander your Friday night.
Mud Runs (Warrior Dash, Down and Dirty, Tough Mudder, etc)
These new fad races — advertised towards people who want something more extreme than a triathlon or a marathon — are not at all what they are cracked up to be. I did the inaugural Tough Mudder and sure parts sort of sucked, but running seven miles was hardly a test, especially if you don’t have a bullet in your leg and don’t fight obesity. All you do is run through the woods, wet and muddy, and then you do some non-challenging obstacles. If you finish (hint: everyone finishes) you are allowed to get a free tattoo of their logo… and look like a f*ckin' a**hole till God finally strips you of your life. If, however, you want to really test yourself and your survival skills then do one of these with the hopes of qualifying for the versions of them that are on steroids (as seen later in the list).
Katie Holmes Could Do It
I understand that these are probably more difficult than I am giving them credit for, but riding a bike is riding a f*cking bike. I have to believe it is still infinitely easier than a triathlon or marathon since both exhaust your entire body. Plus, have you ever seen the ballyhoo surrounding these things? For non-racers at the Little 500 in Indiana or the like, the event itself is an afterthought; people just want to get royally f*cked in every pleasing way possible.
The allure of triathlons is the variation they offer. The distances of triathlons can fluctuate but the “Olympic” is said to be the standard distance while the “Sprint” triathlon is gaining a larger following in the States. This cakewalk consists of a .93-mile swim, 24.8-mile bike, 6.2-mile run.
I have far too much regard for my legs, and more than enough self-esteem, for this to ever hold a slot on my to-do/bucket list. But that’s not to say it isn’t an accomplishment, if you really think running that far is necessary.
Events in which you could theoretically die on the next page...