Life
by Krum on November 8, 2013

But eff a calendar, why should we limit ourselves to only one celebratory mash-up? I propose we throw a couple more in the mix. Game on, Obama.

1. Rosh Ramadan

Actually Yom Kippur and Ramadan, but Rosh Ramadan sounds better. What better way to bring the world’s most diametrically opposed faiths together than bonding over starvation. “You’re hungry? I’m hungry. Let’s open a Five Guys in the West Bank”. Christians, this would benefit you too. While your funny-accented neighbors will all be home fasting, easy restaurant reservations and short supermarket lines for all!

2. Chrismukkah

Seth Cohen had a dream; we should make it a reality. Every Christmas Eve, you guys are home carving up a ham and wearing ugly sweaters by the fire or some shit while us Jews roam the cold streets searching for an open Chinese restaurant or a depressingly empty movie theatre. It sucks. Why can’t we all light our menorahs and Christmas trees together? Present-opening races! Kwanzaa jokes! The Jons and Johns of the world should unite.

3. Easterween

Resurrection three days after his death on the cross, huh? ZOMBIE JESUS FTW! Forget your Robin Thicke costume, nothing is scarier than the idea of an undead Son of God exacting his revenge. Turning water into blood and walking on…more blood. People say Halloween isn’t scary anymore, Zombie Jesus undied for sins, bro. Plus, what better way to end Lent then with candy?

4. 420-Ash Wednesday

Burning bud> burning palm fronds. Plus, I can imagine it’s not easy walking around in public with ash on your forehead all day. You won’t be worried about that when you’re in the midst of an hour-long debate with your houseplant about why Battlestar Galactica is the greatest television program ever made. Also I can imagine some pretty cool forehead designs better than some boring old cross. Shot the Grateful Dead bear.

5. St. Patrick’s De Mayo

St. Patrick’s Day gets a lot of flack for people vomiting on church lawns and punching babies and stuff. It’s only right that we enlist our amigos from South of the Border to aide us in our self-destructive ways. Besides, the only liquor people drink anymore is whiskey or tequila. So let’s have one big anti-vodka celebration celebrated by a shitload of shitfaced people (most of whom who are neither Mexican nor Irish).  Don’t worry about consolidating, I’m sure we’ll find a new ethic celebration to get fucked up for as well.

Follow Krum on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom

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