Any day now, Prince William and Kate’s little miracle is going to hop out of that womb and begin its incredibly privileged life. There is much speculation across the pond about the child’s gender and even more hand-wringing about its given name. As a member of the Royal Family, the baby’s name should be both dignified and historically prudent.
With that in mind, here are some names the couple should avoid at all costs.
Gary: Say what you want about Princes William and Harry. They are fucking active. If they aren’t doing military stuff, they’re kissing babies or feeding lepers or playing polo or something else. It’s dizzying. Gary is a name that just screams combining a love of pizza rolls with the love of couches. Naming this thing Gary just sets it up for failure.
DeMarcus: This would just confuse people. Plus, the pressure to be athletic would be otherworldly. A lot of DeMarcuses are athletic. #FACT
Krystal: First royal stripper? Yep, first royal stripper.
Paris: Obvious reasons, plus it’s in France.
Mary Tyler, the Creator: Punctuation in a name is always a bad sign. It’s just asking for trouble. Keep your before and afters confined to Wheel of Fortune, please.
Rick: It’s Richard. And there’s already been some pretty badass Richards of note in British history. Don’t make this kid walk in the shadow of greatness. He has enough on his plate already.
G-Chat: Disappointed emoticon. Might as well name it iBecky.
Wendy, Double, South and Half: All sound like shit with Windsor.
Snorlax: Go home, royals. You’re drunk.
Area Man/Woman: This would really cause problems for The Onion, and we don’t want that. Plus, where is the sense of individuality? That me-first attitude is what Western Civilization was built upon.
Here are some more terrible options:
- Peggy Sue
- Godzilla Fart
OK, let’s not go out on a negative note. Let’s be problem solvers here. Let’s suggest some beautiful names for the little guy/gal.
If it’s a boy: Winston
If it’s a girl: Diana
You’re welcome, Brits.