Life
by J. Camm on July 17, 2012

Q: I've been seeing this chick for a few months now and have enjoyed mostly every minute of it. Having recently graduated college, it's not like I'm looking to marry the broad, but I'm certainly not opposed to a steady relationship. She's fun to be around and, better yet, is incredibly sexy. There's only one small problem: her terrible habit of chewing like a pig at the feed trough whenever we eat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some uptight little prick who's overreacting about a meaningless issue. My friends have noticed it, too. That unbelievably annoying sound of someone seemingly chewing as loud as possible, smacking their lips together in the process to ensure maximum resonance. Awful. Maybe other Bros will disagree, but that kind of habit is like nails on a chalkboard for me.

What do I do? I shy away every time I think about saying something to her during a meal, even though it drives me crazy. Then I forget all about it by our next bang sesh. Can a girl be so hot that I just have to deal with her horrible table manners?

A: One of my friend's sisters had the same issue. This was WAY back when I was in like fourth grade, but the chick, who was hotter than the sun to a kid with trigger-happy boner reflexes, had the most cavalier table-side manners I've ever seen. You could literally hear her dominating her meal in the kitchen from several rooms away. Just a real go-getter when faced with a plate of food. I can only imagine what kind of noises she made when she blew a guy.

To me, her hard chewing was a turnoff. It wasn't the sexy, 1980s too-hot-for-school gum-chew. Instead, it was exactly as you described: like listening to f*ckin livestock. And I'd be shocked if her current husband never sat her down and said anything before he married her. That's why I think you have to do it. You have to tell her. If you want to be with her for the long haul you can't avoid eating together. Sit her down and explain it in the least soul-crushing way possible.

Then again, opening your mouth about this is also an invitation for her to open hers about your bad habits. So you have to ask yourself if you're willing to jump on a sword just so you can eat without getting nauseous.

Q: A more serious question for the top Bro. You are in a hospital, minutes away from dying. You have a raging boner, but your hands are useless, so you can't jerk off. The doctor sees your predicament and wants to help out. He offers you the following choices: A: The 400-pound, cross-eyed female nurse, whose breath smells like elephant sh*t, to jump on you and f*ck your brains out. B: The Justin Bieber clone, totally butch nurse, who will blow you on live television. C: A non-stop slideshow of naked, really old hags impaling themselves with giant d*ldos until you shoot a load in desperation, die or shoot the load and then die. Would you choose A, B, or C?

A: B is out of the question. I'd rather be pistol-whipped to death than have a Beibs clone, or any other dude, suck my dick.

That leaves us with fatty sh*tmouth and choice C, which seems like you're asking me to perform a nearly impossible hands-free jerk off, or a “Bluetooth,” to the most haggard of hags.

I'm certain I'd rather choice C, but I don't think I have the mental fortitude to pull it off. I've tried to bluetooth a load out before — I love challenging myself senselessly — and the result was…there were no results. It was 25 minutes of me starring at a p*rno while trying to bust a load using only mind bullets. Should have known better.

Anyway, I think if can I flip over and dry f*ck the mattress, choice C might actually work. Without arms, I'd look like a goddamn fish out of water but it's still my best shot at j*zzing and saving a little face before I die.

Q: Is it any of my girlfriend's business who I mast*rbate to? She wanted to know if I've done it to any of her friends (I have, they're hot, what's the big deal?) but it's not like I'm putting moves on any of them.

A: Let me tell you something, if you ever confess to her that you stroke it to her friends, you deserve to have a live frag grenade fall into your lap. You know, so your dick and balls can be BLOWN into confetti because this world doesn't need your kids. 

Clearly none of this is her business but if you must appease her with an answer, say that you never jag off to people you know, unless, of course, it's her. You can go ahead and tell her about all the p*rn stars or celebs you fap off to — she won't feel threatened because they're practically fictional characters — but NEVER, EVER, speak of the nuts you've busted to any person that either of you know. That's retarded.

Q: Would you rather always have a face full of acne or a tiny dick?

A: How small is this dick going to be? Three- or four- inches hard or a far crueler length, like micropenis? Also, what's my girth lookin' like? If I can't hit the bottom I'd like to know that I can at least do harm to a girl's vaginal elasticity, while also making childbirth a breeze for her. And to think, people have called me a selfish lover.

If we're talking scenario No.1 then I'd go with the below-average cock. At least with a clean face I can get chicks in bed one time. I'll be lonely forever and the butt of countless, and very true, small-dick rumors, but my numbers will at least be higher than if I had potholes all over my face. And isn't f*cking a lot of chicks out-of-wedlock the meaning of life? (Don't answer that.)

Now, if the deal is microdick, then I'm obviously going to take the acne. You can't overcome a penis that small. There will be no, “well it's kind of on the tiny side but I'll still do it because he's hot” situations. There will be no pity f*cks. There will only be humiliation and failed suicide attempts. Plus, I can always use makeup to cover the zits or just become a total badass, that seemed to work for Danny Trejo and James Edward Olmos.

Q: This question has been on my mind since I saw George Thorogood with my dad last month. I have been to many old-school concerts with my pops over the years but who will we be able to take our kids to 20 or 30 years from now where we can say “They were awesome when I was younger”? There is some country and some rock but that isn't everyone's thing and there is not nearly as many options as our parents had. I can't see myself taking my kid to Ultra 2035 or a 40 year old Beiber show if I haven't gotten the chance to assassinate him yet. I am not knocking whatever music you may be into at all. I am just wondering if anyone else realizes this yet.

A: I receive a fair amount of questions asking me what kind I music I listen to — as if that somehow matters — and I usually don't respond because 1) who gives a sh*t what my playlist consists of? and 2) I'm not trying to ruin anyone's day with the horrifying realization that I think most popular music today is garbage. Not to say to say I hate it, but the vast majority of it is disposable, like, you know, garbage.

So to answer your question, there will be virtually nothing for us to take our sons to. And you're 100% correct: if you're still listening to sh*t like “Levels” 30 years from now, chances are you've probably taken a few grave missteps in life. Women, on the other hand, have it much easier. They still have artists like Katy Perry, Beyonce, and Lady Gaga that will replace the Madonnas (or whoever) of the world, but country music aside, men have no great solo acts and we're running out of bands too. F*ck, by the time I have a kid old enough to appreciate the lyrical stylings of Springsteen or Vedder or Grohl, most of those dudes will probably be dead. And that is SAD. Cry-in-the-corner-by-myself kind of sad. 

That's not to say there aren't some great up-and-coming bands out there, but at this point most only have a handful of hits. Not quite enough longevity, yet, to make me mark my calendar to see them in 2040. Of course, we could all just say “f*ck it” and become fans of Nickelback. Something tells me those cockroaches will be around long after the rest of us die anyway.

Q: Rate these hookups in terms of awesomeness (assuming all are dimes):

Friend's mom
Female Boss
Threesome with mother and daughter
Threesome with twin sisters
Threesome with two virgins
Favorite Porn Star
Masturbating

A: Rate them? RATE THEM?!?!

F*ckin' gladly.

In order from best to worst:

1. Threesome with mother and daughter: In such a LANDSLIDE that I don't even feel the need to explain myself.

2. Threesome with twin sisters: Still two chicks, so I'll put it second. Although I'd prefer if they weren't identical, for variety's sake.

3. Favorite Porn Star

4. Female Boss

5. Threesome with two virgins: Sex with virgins is grossly overrated. I'd rather f*ck two pros individually, like the boss and porn star, before I slum it with a few virgins.

6. Masturbating

7. Friend's Mom: Maybe I'm nuts, but I value my friendships. Plus, to my credit, I have been know to throw a mean jerk.

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