Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.
This post will probably make you suspicious of your significant other, bro. Carry on with care.
The number of past lovers a woman says she had is probably a lie. It’s not necessarily because they’re ashamed of how many lovers they’ve had. Quite the contrary. Many of ‘em are proud of their sexual experience because they are a big part of what makes them who they are today.
They mainly lie about their numbers because they’re afraid of the curled-upper-lip-I-just-smelled-stank look you’ll give upon hearing it. That reaction is a kind of judgment. A judgment she’s very sensitive to already, but multiplied by a thousand times when she’s into you. So instead of trying to get you to understand why she took all comers at that one Pimps ‘N’ Hoes party at I Phelta Thi, she just avoids it altogether.
In a way, this is her way of showing her love for you. On the other hand, she’s still lying to someone she claims to love. Or…maybe she’s not. You may have just found that one special snowflake or unicorn in an ocean of pretenders. Maybe she really did only have a couple of boyfriends that she had lots and lots of sex with. Either way, if you’re happy then don’t tempt fate. You probably aren’t ready for the hard truth of her sexual past. Plus, lord knows you’re lying through your teeth about your beefy number, anyway.
But if you’re going to test your resolve regardless, take these things with a grain of salt for true love’s sake, bro.
Too good at a technique
Chris Rock once talked about how girls ‘ration the pussy’ by not going too far too fast with you early in your sexual relationship. Did she make you wait for a week’s worth of dates to get any play, then blow your mind with some amazing techniques when she finally gave it up? She learned ‘em somewhere and we both know she isn’t watching the dirty stuff as much as you do. She needed field experience to nail that level of proficiency. Be thankful she’s using it on you, though.
Only tells you how many boyfriends she had
Guys count every single girl they even remotely have any sexual contact with. Women?
Those guys on Spring Break don’t count. Neither do those guys on that one cruise. Or the guys when she went home for the summer. Or those girls during that ‘phase.’ Or that basketball team after a rough breakup. If she has a reason to discount them, she will. Boyfriends are the only absolute exclusion. Isn’t that right, boyfriend?
The 37 Dicks Principle
She looks way above your left shoulder
The eyes tend to have a language all their own. If you study them you can read a person like a book depending on the direction they look and whether they’re right or left handed. If your girl is right handed she’ll probably look way over your left shoulder to come up with a creative answer to the question of how many men she slept with. If she looks over your right shoulder she could be telling the truth because she’s pulling from actual knowledge she already possesses.
Remember this when she asks, ‘Does that bother you?’
Lots of man friends
You may think you’re good with the ladies. Shux, you may actually be. But there’s always a guy within a rock’s throw who can charm the panties off a chick faster than you can. He might even be that buddy of yours that calls you to tell you about it.
If your girl is always surrounded by male friends at the bar, texting male friends while you’re out with her or calling male friends ‘for their advice,’ then her number could be double what she said it was.
She only has a few pictures from her college days on Facebook/Instagram
You know how the ladies love using pictures to document their lives. If she’s only got a few from her college days and they’re all innocent then your girl certainly isn’t. The good ones have either been arranged so only involved parties can see them, blocked from visibility to your account or deleted.
Beach kegger bikini pics? Gone.
Spring break handbra pics? Ghost.
Lingerie party pics? Banished forever.
Your girl is doing her best to protect your insecurity, uncertainty or just general disgust from the hard reality of her past behavior. Take that as a sign of her love for you and rejoice in your ignorance. If you believe hard enough that your girl is an innocent little unicorn, she just might be.
[Image via Shutterstock]
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