Me
SyFy just announced that your two favorite stars of Sharknado’s 1 and 2, Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, will return for a co-starring role in Sharknado 3.
Of course, it was widely speculated the duo would return, since no one would watch the film otherwise. So this is good to know. It was also confirmed the movie will be set in Washington, D.C.
With these particulars in mind, here’s my plan for the plot of Sharknado 3: Capitol Carnage.
Tara Reid, with her chainsaw hand, goes to Washington to lobby for better benefits from the government for victims of Sharknados.
There, she meets President Barack Obama. Not shown in the second movie, but referenced now in a grisly flashback, is that Michelle was in New York at the time of the second Sharknado and died. This helps the president and Tara Reid form a bond.
It takes a grueling few months to pass the Sharknado Survivors Bill, during which Reid and Obama begin a torrid affair. Just fucking everywhere. Like at one point, Obama is sitting in Lincoln’s lap at the memorial while Reid is grinding on him. Really good stuff. Soft core absolutely, but classy.
Fin (Ian Ziering) finds out and comes down to Washington with his chainsaw to murder the president. But guess what?
A Sharknado is coming. Yea. Yea.
As Washington is under siege, Fin begins his maniacal march to the White House, ready to tear the gate down. Instead, he’s rushed inside, right to the Oval Office.
Obama says to Fin, “I’m sorry for what has happened, but I can’t do this without you.” He elevates Fin to National Sharkurity Adviser and they head to down to the command center to fight the Sharknado. But guess what? Digger sharks have begun digging under the ground. They get right outside the bunker. Chomp Chomp Chomp.
Secret Service agents are being eaten left and right. Nothing they can do can stop the sharks. Not their guns or their bombs. Everyone is terrified. This is it. Then, using a computer, Tara Reid makes an amazing discovery.
The sharks have become sentient. Smart sharks. The ones from Deep Blue Sea. And they aren’t here to harm the president or destroy D.C. They want Fin! They want him for all the sharks he’s killed.
An emotional heart-to-heart between Reid, Obama and Ziering ensues, all while the massive fight between the Secret Service and the sharks rages on around them.
Finally, Fin realizes it. He can save Reid and Obama’s lives by giving his own. He tells Tara he loves her–that he’s always loved her–and walks out to the sharks.
“You want me, COME AND GET ME!” He screams and throws his chainsaw away.
The sharks scoop him up and take him away, much to Obama and Reid’s surprise.
“Why didn’t they eat him,” they ask themselves, utterly perplexed.
We cut to Ziering, prisoner in an underwater shark lair, being tortured. The sharks hate him so much for killing all the sharks. They’re going to make him pay. But he manages to sneak a message to a friendly dolphin who delivers it to the president.
“We have to save Fin!” Reid screams.
“I know,” says the president and he walks to look out a shattered window, pensively staring at the tattered city before him. He thinks for a long time, then turns to Reid. “It’s never been done before, though.”
“What?” an anguished Reid screams.
“Navy seals,” says the president.
“Navy SEALS? asks Reid.
“No, no. Actual Navy seals.” You see, he tells her, since the first Sharknado, they’ve researched ways to counteract them. One of the programs, never tested before, was arming seals in the ocean with guns to hunt down sharks. Stop the Sharknados before they happen.
Reluctantly, the president authorizes the raid. The final scene consists of an epic underwater battle between the sentient sharks and the Navy seals. The seals win, but Fin is wounded in the rescue. He asks to be rushed to Reid before he dies. Seals swim Fin to D.C. as fast as they can. Tara meets him at the dock.
“I’m sorry,” Reid cries, seeing that Fin has been mortally wounded.
“It’s okay,” Fin says. “It’s okay. You’re the First Lady now. Help this nation heal.”
He hands her his shark tooth necklace and passes away.
The end.