Life
by J. Camm on August 21, 2012

Q: What is the best way to ask your roommate to leave the room when you think you may be bringing a girl back that night if you don't know him too well yet?

A: Don't try to force him out, it's his room, too. Instead, take him aside and give him the facts, “Hey, Chad. I know you struck out tonight, but I'm about to twist this chick's guts with my dick. It's cool if you want to stay or whatever, but I'd appreciate if you could give me 15 minutes.”

Chances are he won't want to stay to see you have sex. Plus, you just gave him an excuse to take a 15-minute, drain-clogging shower.

However, if Chad starts acting like a total Chad — refusing to leave out of jealousy and being a dickless wonder about the entire situation — just tell him you'll buy him lunch tomorrow or a nice handle of booze, like something that's only sold in a plastic container. 

Whatever you do, don't leave him stranded in the hall for two hours, because next time he WILL be watching you have sex from 3 feet away whether you like it or not.

Q: After seeing the 'would you rather' question, it reminded me of one my coworker asked of me. Would you rather sleep with three Victoria's Secret models, but never be able to tell anyone, or hang out with them for a night with no chance of ever getting any, but being able to tell anyone you slept with them all and everyone would believe you?

 

A: I could never pick the second option. Although not actually f*cking them would save me from having to explain to them why I bust nuts at the speed of sound, living with a lie so despicable would eat me alive. So I’d much rather underperform with Adriana, Candice, and Ms. Heatherton and keep it to myself.

Like a wise man probably never said, “it’s much better to have f*cked poorly, than to have never f*cked at all.”

Q: Earlier this week my bros and I got to talking and arguably one of the most difficult would you rather's I've ever heard came up, so here it is. Would you rather A) watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life, or B) join in once but never have to watch them do it again?

A: You know why this is one of the “most difficult” would you rathers? Because it's f*cking disgusting and wrong and I won't do it goddammit. Ask me about anything else at all — eating 37lb. of hot baby sh*t vs. 1000 bloody tamps, having Michael Clark Duncan make my ass*hole cease to exist vs. f*cking a walrus everyday for the next month, losing my penis vs. going blind (that one is actually way closer than you'd think), you name it — and i'll gladly play along. But this? No, I can't possibly answer this. It's far too vile.

I choose A.

Q: You and your bros are all set to see your local baseball team take on the New York Yankees on your 60 inch, 3D LED set. Since you and your bros all hate the Yankees, you are all rooting for the home team. Your totally hot and understanding girlfriend, leaves to go and hang out with her friends. The game is over and your friends leave after a ton of beers. You're feeling a bit down, since the Yankees won. You can't wait for your woman to get back and put you into a better mood with her killer body. However, your saint of a girlfriend, doesn't get back until 3:00am. She's plastered, sobbing and smells like she's recently been plowed by a linebacker. She admits to having had a one night stand with…you guessed it…the entire New York Yankees team! Hell, even the team bus driver nailed her! She wipes some cum off her face, says she loves you and promises it will never happen again. Do you, A- Forgive her and live your life in shame, knowing what a gigantic whore she has been. B- Tell her that any other team would have been OK. But since it was the Yankees, she would have to be punished and proceed to cut off her right tit with a kitchen knife. C- Book her on the “Tonight Show”, so she can explain how she did more cock in one night, than most hookers do in a month. D- Throw her out on her gaping ass, knowing damn well that you'll miss the sh*t out of her in a week.

A: Choice A is the pussy-whipped special; B is useless; and option C is improbable. That leaves us with D, the obvious choice. But miss her after a week? Anorexically slim chance of that, my friend. I don't think I have the bone or organ in my body that could allow me to miss someone after that. Plus, if there's one resource this country has plenty of, it's coal. But if there's two, it's coal and hot new puss that's just itchin' to be defiled. And the beautiful thing about hot new puss is it makes old puss forgettable.

Q. How do guys truly feel about tall girls? I am 5'9'' and a size 2 and fit, but I can’t help feeling like short, petite girls get picked up more and are preferred. What's the deal?

A: I feel strongly about them. In positive, erotic ways. Put a tall girl against a short one, and a grotesque physical deformity notwithstanding, I’m taking that long-legged freak every damn day. You know why? Because those 5’ 1” chicks are going to look like dough balls in 20 years. If they ever put on weight its got only two places to go: their ass and gunt. 

Here’s your problem: You’re 5’9” but with hot, sexy heels on you suddenly become 6’. The national average height for dudes is around 5’ 9” (picked that number out of the sky but feels right) with boat shoes on he’s like 5’ 9 &1/25”. The reason you’re being looked over in favor of more petite girls because most guys literally can’t look over you. And that’s intimidating…to most guys.

Q: Here's my question. Is it Bro to be a burnout? I'm fresh out of high school and on my way to what's sure to be a thrilling year at the local community college. Yeah, f*ck me, I know. Anyways, recently I've been doing plenty of smoking, around 4-5 times a week. What's your take on it, too much?

And here's a lose-lose for you. You have to A) You're forced to spend the rest of your life with Rosie O'Donell as her “partner” but with no sex with her or any other woman or B) You can spend the rest of your life with Bob Saget as a married man but you're allowed to cheat.

A: AHHHHH!! The dreaded TWO-PARTER. Here goes…

Doing anything (with the exception of most Class A felonies) is fine with me up until the point that it negatively affects your life, or someone else's, or you use it as a crutch. Even then, I don't particularly give a sh*t — it's your life not mine — but you know what I mean.

As far as determining whether or not your zest for smoking is ruining your life, you probably won't be able to detect it for a while. Falling apart usually takes time, unless you're Chad Johnson. However,  if you find yourself unable to pass community college, and you can attribute that to being a so-called burnout, then I'd say your well on your way to a life rife with pot-induced regrets.

Now, on to part two.

I initially was going to take Sagat and just live my straight life on the down low because the O'Donnel situation seemed unbearable but that was before Rosie showed weakness. In light of her recent heart attack, I’m thinking I could outlast the dumb bitch, in order to once again gain my freedom, or, I can constantly scare the sh*t out of her and be the guiding force to putting her other foot in the grave. Morbid? You betcha. Do I care? Not in the least.

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