There has been some recent speculation that the technological dawn of sex robots and robo-whores could have a powerful impact on the way our society knocks boots with the opposite sex. Such a stunning revelation should come as no surprise though – we are already a community of sexually deprived imbeciles feeding our most basic carnal appetites with Rubbermaid products of the spread legged oblivion: dildos, vibrators, pocket pussies, cartoon sex dolls, life like sex dolls. So it stands to reason that the next logical step in this hasty progression of nipple-biting perversion be that humans start grudge fucking machines.
But why has it come to this?
Well, it’s simple really – it’s all women’s fault. In addition to the metric shit ton of annoyances the female form can sometimes bring to life, women are infamous for saying and doing stupid shit in the bedroom that not only makes the average man sick to his stomach, but also creates a tense environment that is not conducive to maintaining a solid erection. That’s right, ladies – some of your personality traits and foul indiscretions have enough clout to turn even the horniest swinging dick on the planet into nothing more than a glorified piss hole. These sometimes shocking and unnerving malignancies of the mouth range from deal breaking confessionals to just having an all around piss poor attitude in the sack.
Here are five of the most common:
Divulges Too Much Information: Big Dicks and Drunken Threesomes
This unruly phenomenon might start something like this, “Steve, your cock is the perfect size…my last boyfriends dick was entirely too big” or “My God Steve, you are amazing in bed… my last boyfriend took forever to come.”
Sometimes the over divulger may lead with a ego boosting compliment, while other times she just may clobber you on the back of the brain with what she feels in an amusing anecdote about how she got shit-faced drunk and had a sloppy threesome with a couple of strange guys she met at a bar. Incidentally, you may need a barf bag once your new love muffin proceeds to fill you on the unimaginable details: like how much her jaw hurt the next morning from giving so much head, or how she lived in fear for the next week and half following her slutty escapades because she feared she was either going to end up pregnant with a two-headed baby or dying of AIDS.
Yeah, can’t wait to introduce you to mom.
Crying During Sex: Blissful Psychosis
We cannot think of anything that has the capacity to take the starch out of a man’s boner quite like some crazy bitch going on a sobbing and crying spree while he’s ball deep inside of her. And what’s a guy going to do – he can’t keep humping her brains out once she bursts into tears, but then again if he stops and attempts to find out what’s wrong, he may end up in an all night discussion about how her father was never really around and how she has sexual fantasies of her Uncle Neil.
If such an unpleasantrie happens with a girlfriend, we strongly suggest looking for the trap door in that relationship - like fucking now. If the crybaby happens to be a one-night stand, and you can summon enough of your inner sleazy bastard to maintain enough of an erection to finish doing the deed, (although, we strongly advise pulling out or coughing up $50 for the morning after pill), then just use the excuse that you thought she was getting as emotional as you were because the lovemaking was so fucking unbelievable.
Yet, after she leaves, never, fucking ever call that girl again. You might also want to consider moving to another state.
Boozehound Name Calling: Screaming Ex-Boyfriend's Name During Sex
Balling out a drunk chick that all of a sudden starts screaming, “Fuck me, Steve, you big balled son of a bitch – fuck me!” is all well and good. That is, unless your name just so happens to be Mike. Again, if this is your girlfriend, call us and we’ll send a couple of our hard-hitting steroid-freak gorillas over to your home to run a train on that disrespectful siren before tossing that bitch out of your house.
No, we won’t really do all that, but you should definitely consider removing that lunacy from your life as quickly as humanly possible. Now, if it’s just some chick you’re boning, why argue semantics? Just be Steve.
Sex Work: Fucking Us Is a Painful and Laborious Job
Any guy that has ever been involved in a long-term relationship knows that after four months of bumping uglies four and five times a day like savage wildebeests, the sexual frequency begins to severely diminish. Not only that, but for some fucked up reason, the girl you had been fiercely humping and depleting your prostate with for the past several months is all of sudden repulsed by the thought of you naked, horny, hard and inside of her in any way. Incidentally, this phenomenon always seems to happen immediately after they get you to move in with them and in doing so, commit to their pussy and their pussy alone.
Hell, not that there is anything wrong with that until you find yourself hearing excuses like “I’m not feeling so good,” “I’m really tired tonight,” “Maybe later, I ate too much,” or “I’m cramping really bad” more than you’re hearing her huffing and puffing to the beat of your squeaky ass bed.
However, we’ve got some bad news for you poor bastards – the honeymoon is officially over and that situation is never going to get any better. In fact, chances are it will only get worse. So if your old lady’s lack of enthusiasm for the cock is putting you in a dark place where you prefer to jack off on the shitter rather than be turned down once again by that mediocre piece of ass that you hastily committed to, then brother, we recommend either stocking up on whack shack materials or finding a slutty, young cum guzzling mistress to start sneaking around with. That’s the beauty of it, boys – there will always be someone out there willing to fuck your nuts off when the woman you love simply will not.
Baby Talking Our Wieners
Keeping a raging hard on from plummeting into the debts of limp noodledom, once a good old fashion dick suckin’ turns into a lick and stare routine, is tough enough without listening to some chick talk to your throbbing bone like it’s a newborn infant. “Does little Stevie like that?” or “Does little Stevie want momma to kiss it and make it all better?” No, actually bitch, I just want you to quit fucking around like we’re a couple of toddlers playing outside in the sandbox and suck my doink until I develop a lazy eye – or something to that affect.
Seriously, nothing kills a boner quicker than some bat shit crazy chick talking to old Russell the Love Muscle like she wants to adopted that little bastard, slap a diaper on his ass and then tickle him shitless in hopes that it doesn’t spit up in her mouth.
[Image via ShutterStock]