Life
by Aimee Porter on April 28, 2014

cat-pocket

So, by now you all have read this story about a girl named Dallas who was arrested in Tennessee with a loaded gun in her vagina. A loaded gun in her vagina. A LOADED GUN IN HER VAGINA.

I’m cringing as I type those words, much the same way I imagine you cringe when you watch a video of someone getting nailed in the balls. Imagine if the trigger had accidentally gotten caught on her hood ring (because for real, look at her photo, she’s definitely the kind of girl who has a hood ring)?! Up the hoo-hah is the last place I’d ever want to be shot. Aggh.

Insanely enough, this chick isn’t the only one crazy enough to do that. Last year, a woman named Christie Dawn Harris was arrested with a gun in her vagina and meth in her butt. (And I’m sure she didn’t take proper safety considerations with either item, you know, on account of her being a meth user.)

Anyway, these morons got me thinking: If women are willing to stash a gun there, what else are they willing to put in their vaginas?

A LOT, it turns out. Here’s a quick rundown of all things that can be hidden in a vagina, or, as I like to call them, Nature’s Pockets.

Drugs, obvi.

Soooooo many drugs have been hidden in vaginas. It’s cocaine, mostly–more women have been arrested for smuggling snow in their snatches than any other drug. But that’s certainly not all the vag is limited to. Vaginal searches have yielded a hypodermic syringe used for administering heroin, pills used to treat narcotics addiction, and assorted marijuana paraphernalia.

But the pièce de résistance has to be the drug haul found inside one-woman-drug-cartel Karin Mackaliunas, who boasted 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, eight prescription pills and, incredibly, $51.22.

I feel like I would have given the two dimes and two pennies to a homeless guy I passed on the street, but that’s just the difference between her and me.

Jewelry

Several failed heists have attempted to move goods via the birth canal. One lady tried to steal family heirloom rings, while a Vegas masseuse got arrested for boosting a $35,000 watch in her beaver.

Perhaps we should start referring to it as a “jewelry box”? Har har har. I slay me.

Cell phones

Out of all the dumb things to steal and put in your vagina, this strikes me as the absolute dumbest. Why? Because every story I’ve uncovered where a woman has stolen a phone and shoved it inside herself ends the same way: The police call the phone.

Unless your vagina naturally has a ringtone, you probably don’t want to try this.

Literally everything else

In doing research for this piece, I came across this Reddit thread: “Ladies, what’s the strangest thing that has been in your vagina.

What has been seen can never be unseen.

So, there you have it, guys. Everything you always wondered if it could fit in a vagina but were afraid to ask. And probably didn’t want to ask, and now will need brain bleach to get rid of the thoughts.

But maybe we can all learn something here today. The next time you meet a girl you really like, you should ask her, “Hey, have you ever had a gun in your vagina?” Because if the answer’s yes, you definitely don’t want to stick your dick in after it. 

[Vagina via Shutterstock]

Aimee Porter

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