Stay Calm

By: Kirill Romanov

I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m high strung. I could take a bottle of Xanax and
still be wired all night. I’m also a worrier. You know, the kind of
guy who gets a sore throat, looks it up on the web, and diagnoses himself with
lymphoma. Yet, everywhere I turn, I see shirts, signs, and internet posts exhorting me to “stay calm” and do something.

The thing is, I can’t “stay calm” under most circumstances. In fact, I doubt most people could if they were asked to “stay calm” while I . . .

Did their girlfriend in front of them

Dressed their dad in a pretty-pink princess dress

Kidnapped their illegitimate kid

Tore the seam in the ass of their yoga pants

Dangled my balls in their face while spotting your bench press

Set them up with a chick who used to be a dude

Made their mom the center of a man sandwich (no homo)

Pissed on their PlayStation

Gave their dog a lime-green Mohawk

If you can “stay calm” during this BS, you are a better bro than I. As for me, I’d be
throwing punches or looking for weaponry; especially if I ended up with a face full of
man marbles.

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