If St. Patrick, the patron St. of Ireland could see we’ve done with his day, he would do one of two things:
1. He would curse the people who clearly don’t realize how much they’re offending his holy legacy.
2. He would join in on the festivities by sporting an Irish flag as a cape and a temporary tattoo of a clover on each cheek while chugging 2 green beers and pissing in the nearest garbage can.
It’s tough to accurately tell how he would really react to any given St. Patrick’s Day celebration; but what we can do is break down the things that he would like and things that he would dislike about the modern St. Patrick’s Day festivities.
St. Patrick was a religious man and leprechauns are purely folklore. The fact that we paste the image of a leprechaun to represent St. Patrick’s Day would probably make him want to cancel the entire day. Imagine if you had a day and some asshole group of people chose to represent your day with a ginger dwarf that wears pilgrim shoes, you’d be pissed too.
Kiss me I’m Irish T-shirts
If he saw one of these shirts he would not hesitate to rip it right of the person who chose to wear it. Wearing this shirt basically tells those around you, “It’s okay to sexually assault me because of my heritage.” Pretty sure St. Patrick would not condone this sort of behavior. Not only would he disprove of the message, he would certainly disprove of the absurd amount of people who wear the shirt and think it’s actually clever/funny. I’m totally with St. Patrick on this one, SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE.
Fake Shamrock Cheek Tattoos
If the tattoos were permanent, I don’t think St. Patrick would mind these tattoos because the integrity of the shamrock would remain intact and he would assume those wearing it would be doing so to represent the Christian Trinity. But after like 3 beers and a slight itch, the fake ones start to rub off and when that happens the once holy shamrock looks more like a horrible green rash of drunk. This would not impress St. Patrick.
Talking in a Horrible, Fake Irish Accent
Unless you’ve been classically trained on how to properly do an Irish accent, you do not sound Irish! If St. Patrick heard your shitty Irish accent, he would probably put you on trial for a hate crime. Not only does your Irish accent offend him personally, it offends every real Irish person that currently exists on planet earth. Doing an Irish accent while you’re ordering drinks is basically the same thing as doing blackface at KFC. Whoa, that one hit hard didn’t it? Yeah, so stop it.
No one likes public urination so why would St. Patrick? You’re not an animal so just hold it for like 5 minutes until you’re A. completely out of site from anyone (namely the police) or B. until you find the nearest public restroom (which is probably close considering you are at a party/bar). Neither St. Patrick nor I want you to be a registered sex offender because you refused to hold your urine for an extra 3 minutes.
Irish Car Bombs
St. Patrick would absolutely love Irish car bombs because it blends 3 things that Ireland should be proud of: Guinness, Bailey’s and Jameson Irish whiskey. It is a product of his people and a delicious one at that. Every St. Patrick’s Day party will have Irish Car Bombs and if they don’t then it’s not a real St. Patrick’s Day party.
Turns out St. Patrick would probably be a consumer whore and enjoy the green beer. Yeah, it’s a little tacky and yeah, there are probably some weird chemicals in there that damage your body, but IT’S GREEN BEER! It’s novel and it would remind him of the lush, green pastures of his home.
Corned Beef and Cabbage
I’m not a fan of corned beef or cabbage alone, but together they are PERFECT. This leads me to believe that St. Patrick would LOVE this delectable treat. While it’s not the traditional Irish Bacon and cabbage, I feel as though he would quite enjoy this Americanized version of an Irish classic and he would enjoy it even more after 7 beers.
The Irish Flag Cape
This is one that St. Patrick actually might not like at first, but given the spirit of the day, he would probably come to enjoy it. When someone wears a flag as a cape, they are literally adorning themselves with the spirit of that country and if you’re willing to do that, then you probably love the country whose flag you’re willing to sport as a cape. I could see St. Patrick giving a pissy look to people wearing an Irish flag as a cape, but then I could see him coming to his senses and saying something like, “They must love Ireland as much as I do to wear it on their back!” Then he would run frantically to the nearest flag shop to get an Irish flag to make his own Irish flag cape.
Low Cut Green Tops
This one is a no brainer. St. Patrick is a man and men love boobs. Any low cut green tops that don’t say “Kiss me I’m Irish” would certainly be okay by St. Patrick.
Weighing the likes and dislikes, I think St. Patrick would actually enjoy his day. He would indulge in our American St. Patrick’s Day traditions like cracking open the first beer at 6AM, eating corned beef and cabbage several times throughout the day and finally realizing at midnight that you are way too drunk to even try to have sex.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who does not understand why the day after St. Patrick’s Day is not a national holiday. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.