Instagram — Bud Light
Last week at a dinner party, I casually referred to Spuds MacKenzie while in the midst of a conversation.
“Who’s Spuds…MacKenzie?” asked a young woman I’d just befriended.
Who is Spuds MacKenzie?!
I couldn’t believe it. How could anyone not know who the hell Spuds MacKenzie was? Had this 1980s legend, a veritable superstar during my misguided youth, really become so inconsequential in the year 2015? I tried my best to explain it to her.
“Well…let’s see. He was a dog. A terrier I think. And he was cool. Real cool. He liked to drink a lot. Beer. Oh, and he was always surrounded by hot chicks in bikinis!”
The young woman looked at me now even more confused, until I finally thought of an apt analogy.
“He was like the 1980s version of Dan Bilzerian! Except, you know…a dog.”
Suddenly, she somehow got it.
And I decided to see just how accurate it was to compare these two party icons of their respective eras.
Breed
Spuds: Bull Terrier
Blitz: Bearded bro
Awesome nickname
Spuds: “The Original Party Animal”
Blitz: “Instagram’s Playboy King”
Hairy?
Spuds: Yes.
Blitz: Somehow even more so.
Origin story
Spuds: Created by Anheuser-Busch’s marketing team along with PR firm FleishmanHillard.
Blitz: Born to a wealthy corporate raider, given a hefty trust fund, failed out of the Navy SEALs program, decided to become a professional poker player.
First major appearance
Spuds: Super Bowl XXI (1987) commercial
Blitz: Goes viral after being caught in the audience of 2013’s World Series of Poker main event. Getting his beard stroked. (Not a metaphor.)
Drinks
Spuds: Ice-cold Bud Lights
Blitz: Expensive magnums of Ace Of Spades champagne, handles of Patron Gran Platinum tequila and Ciroc vodka
Carnal relations
Spuds: Unclear. Though frequently surrounded by hot chicks known as the “Spudettes.”
Blitz: Unclear. Though frequently surrounded by hot chicks in little clothing who he boasts about bedding.
Love of firearms
Spuds: More into guitars and surfboards.
Blitz: To a phallically overcompensating extent.
Obscenely wealthy?
Spuds: Yes.
Blitz: Probably.
Father ever arrested for white collar financial crimes?
Spuds: Unclear, but probably not.
Blitz: Yes.
Rapper inspiration
Spuds: Due to Spud’s propensity for hanging out with skinny women, Sir Mix-a-Lot wrote “Baby Got Back” as a retort, even ranting against “Little skinny chicks looking like stop signs, with big hair and skinny bodies.”
Blitz: Frequently hangs out with rappers like Meek Mill, Wiz Khalifa, and Ludacris, while Stitches made a song called “Bad Bitches” inspired by Bilzerian’s life.
Controversy
Spuds: It was eventually learned that Spuds, who portrayed a male dog in the commercials, was actually female.
Blitz: Once threw a porn star off a roof, causing her to break her foot and sue him.
Political outrage
Spuds: Senator Strom Thurmond denounced Spuds, claiming Bud Light was using him to appeal to children for the express purpose of getting them interested in beer at an early age. I can say, in my case, it worked! Thanks!
Blitz: In June 2015, Bilzerian announced his bid to run for the President of the United States in the 2016 election. He does not currently seem to be polling very well.
Merchandising
Spuds: During the height of his popularity, large amounts of Spuds-orabilia was available, including plush toys and t-shirts. He even appeared on the #2-best selling poster in all of America.
Blitz: A series of ribald t-shirts.
Pretend change of heart
Spuds: Eventually Spuds became part of Anheuser-Busch’s campaign to promote responsible drinking, with his lame Super Bowl XXIII commercial having no beer in sight and a new tagline: “Know When to Say When.” You can almost see Spuds staring at the camera in disgust, a GTFO look on his face.
Blitz: Shooting a half-assed PSA for firearms safety that I can’t believe the U.S. government actually accepted as satisfying his plea bargain.
Died
Spuds: Of renal failure in 1993, unclear of whether it was due to being a tiny dog who pounds light beer every day.
Blitz: Suffocated by a giant pair of fake tits wielding a machine gun. (Predicted)