Hey Bros/Brahs/Friends/Enemies/Clergymen/Jerkoff Artists, sorry the Ask a Bro has been missing for a second; I've been pre-disposed with other life-or-death-type shit. But here it is, only like 14 days late. All things considered, I think I'm pretty terrific for even publishing it at all. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: So in a few short weeks some of my buddies from home and I are driving a few hours to another one of our bros schools for his big 21st day. my bro lives in his frat castle at a school that has been featured on here a few times. my goal, as is everyone elses, is of course non-stop binge drinking and hooking up with girls from the smokeshow sororities they mix with. but i do see one slight problem with the latter. myself, including all of my bros driving down, are GDI's.
So my question is, any advice on a GDI hooking up with a sorority chick, especially one from a school you dont go to? Do you think any of these girls will care that i am in fact not in greek life at a huge party school like the one im going to?
A: Some sorority girls might want their boyfriend to be in a fraternity, and I understand that because shit's just easier that way -- convenience is the spice of life. But for a one-nighter, fraternal affiliation shouldn't matter. I mean, I sincerely hope you can sink your cock into a sorority girl without being in a fraternity. If you can't, then the Barry Obama administration is failing us even more than I'd previously thought.
Girls typically care about one of three things: looks, personality, or money. (And don't dare get sassy with me, ladies, I know damn well that men care about even less.) But if she is tacking fraternity affiliation on to her top priorities list before she'll hook up with a guy then she is a worthless piece of human debris unfit to catch even your beefiest load. (OK, now you can sass me.) Personally, I'd rather fuck a gold digger with homicidal "insurance money" tendencies than a chick who can't look past Greek affiliation.
I see no problem being upfront about your GDI-ness at a party. But should you still be concerned, there is this little trick I like to call "LYING" that also works like a fuckin' charm. Man. The wool I've pulled over the years thanks to lying. Really can't go wrong being untruthful.
But seriously, if you lie to a girl only to find out she is so well-versed in Greek life that she knows the fraternities at a school she doesn't even attend, and that you're not actually a member, then... well, she should probably empty an entire clip into the underbelly of her chin, because that's a whole new level of sad.
Q: Is it ever okay to object at a wedding? Especially if I know something very damning.
A: Save for one specific instance, absolutely not.
Maybe you should have thought some shit through prior to the nuptials actually taking place, because if you're sitting in a pew on the day of the wedding in question, your window of opportunity has already passed. Pulling the trigger and emptying your conscience after all the guests have arrived and everything is already paid for is a shitbag move. The day of the wedding is not even close to the ideal time to play hero, ya heard?
So if you know something, air your grievances before or don't do it at all.
The one instance opening your mouth the day of a wedding is fair game (in my imaginary book) is if your prior knowledge of this damaging information doesn't exceed the last 24 hours. Meaning that you, Timmy Tattletale, just found out about this hot news and being a decent human being, you need to do the right thing and warn the party who is about to make the mistake of his or her life. But that's it. If you've lived with this sordid secret for any longer than a day, too fucking bad, bozo. Now, sit there and don't open your fucking mouth unless it's to say, "I'm so thrilled for the both of you" or "Yeah, my beef was a little dry, too. And don't get me started on the yams... Ooooh, is that a congo line!?!?
(Forgive me, I think I turned your character into a middle-aged homosexual just then.)
Q: You're always bitching about having to answer gay hypothetical questions...here's a non-gay one.
You're the guest of honor at a banquet comprised of every girl you've ever had sex with (I'll let you determine if BJs etc. count.).
You are required to give a 10-15 minute speech. What do you talk about?
A: The logical topic of my lecture, if I were to go the way of the raging superdouche, should probably be some sort of explanation why it didn't work out between me and all of these chicks -- because in a douchebag's brain all chicks are madly in love with him (and his humdrum cock) and they're clearly the reason the relationship/tryst ended. Then, once my Bitter Truths party was over, I'd drop the mic on the ground, throw everyone the Degeneration X "suck it" gesture and ride off into the sunset -- most likely topless -- on my fuchsia-colored moped. (All douchebags should be reduced to sweet, sweet moped ownership, shouldn't they?)
But since I'm not a total douche (just three-eigths) and this room is going to be a pretty fucking full, I likely won't be taking that road. Plus, that kind of candidness (even if I did believe I was God's gift to Planet Earth) might turn the crowd into a blood thirsty mob. So I'll probably just give them a detailed account of my last round of golf for the 15 minutes. That's always a crowd pleaser.
And, to your other comment, I think I bitch about the gay hypotheticals the appropriate amount. If that amount seems like "always," it's because that's what the market for those nonsensical questions has dictated, you son of a fuck.
Q: How much is "too much" money to loan a girlfriend of 4+ years?
A: You love this girl, right?
Well, throw that out the goddamn winda' and get your mind out of your asshole and into a "me first" kind of place, which may or may not mean putting it right back into your asshole. Look, I'm not trying to talk you into not lending her the money, but you've got to keep your risk exposure low. Make sure Number One is protected. Always.
Before you pick a number out of the sky you need to think about the amount from a "this bitch might dump me, disappear, and never pay this money back" standpoint. Because when you loan anyone money there is always the chance that said loan becomes a charitable donation. Of course that's likely not the case with your precious little angel face buttercunt, but weirder things have happened. And since you probably don't have some local tough on your payroll to kneecap this bitch should she flee town, it's best to keep the dollar amount modest.
The threshold of what you should give honestly differs from person to person. A thousand dollars to you might be toilet paper to someone else. That said, I would suggest you never loan anyone more than 10% of what you have in savings, with that percentage decreasing depending on how wealthy you are. For instance, if you're worth a million dollars don't go and loan out $100k to some broad. That's diabolical, stupid, and should be punishable by death.
Q: Would you rather:
A) Fuck Kate Upton, but ONLY from behind, and never get to see her face?
B) Fuck Gisele Bundchen in like you would any other chick, but she wears a hulk mask and has a hulk fist on one of her hands the entire time?
A: Even if Buttchin's wife, Bundchen, wasn't half-clad in Hulk regalia, I'm still going with Upton, because I fancy me a dame with some assets attached to her. I like to play with big jugs -- I don't know why, I'm just silly like that.
Also, if this were to go further than just a one time fling, I feel like Kate would let me be myself, while Gisele would surely force me to make a bevy of questionable fashion choices. I can't have that.
If you're wondering how I'd get Kate in bed in the first place, that's simple. I'd give her a photoshopped picture of her head on BJ Upton's body as I wink relentlessly at her and say, "what do you say we make that your name tonight, tanker tits?"
And Kate, if you're reading this...
Oh yeah...lady cream EVERYWHERE.