When was the last time you treated yourself? Sure , you may have gifted yourself a small cup of fro-yo on your cheat day, but I’m talking something that you’ll take with you to the grave. Something that has novelty value but also something practical. Something you can floss to your dinner guests and something you can use to floss your teeth. You deserve that.
No, it’s not Emily Ratajkowski’s g-string. Something better. More profound. Possibly tastier, I’m not sure. I’m talking the pubic hair of the next President of the United States. The presidential pubes of Kanye West.
According to the eBay post, one dude claims to possess this national treasure and for some unknown reason is willing to exchange Yeezy’s short and curlies in return for cash. Some people just don’t know what they have until it’s gone:
****MINT CONDITION**** Disclaimer: The description says “used,” but that’s only because technically, Kanye has used them. They were on his body and I am going to assume he was using them on a daily basis until I came across them, however I have not used them which makes them half-used half-mint condition in my book.
The story begins with my bitch of an ex-girlfriend who bought me Kanye West tickets for his show at the Hollywood Bowl back in September. She bought them for herself using my credit card (cunt) and when we broke up I got to keep the tickets because fffuuucckkkk yyyooouuuu Chelsea. 1 sold on Craigslist and because I could not find anyone willing to pay $$$ to see Kanye I figured fuck it. I’ll go by myself.
I did not even make it to the headlining act. 1 too many beers with 5 vodka sodas to help me forget that I was at a Kanye West concert alone landed me in the bathroom. Not just any bathroom though. I am 90% sure that I somehow got into a VIP area. That sounds like bullshit, but I watching me stumble around drunk is akin to watching a meth head tweak out in public. No one wants to go near meth heads. Also, security there blows. It was probably more because of that than it was because of my alcoholism.
So I’m in a VIP bathroom and Kanye West comes out of a stall. I almost didn’t recognize him because what are the chances that your butt is going to touch the same place that Kanye West’s butt did? Any normal guy wouldda asked for an autograph, but normal people also do not go to Kanye West concerts alone as an excuse to binge drink. I stared at him, panicked, then ran into the stall.
Then I look down and see hair.
Now how do I know it is Kanye’s hair? Kanye West is a man who shits gold and then eats it for breakfast alongside a bowl of Cheerios. He would not fuck with a toilet seat sprinkled with pubes. Kanye was definitely marking his territory with pubic hair. So I did what any normal human being would do: I got down on my knees, scooped those dick hairs into my hands and sprinted out of there.
But what do I do with them? Kim Kardashian’s face has touched these pubes, which means I have also touched Kim Kardashian’s face since my hands touched Kanye’s pubes. My hands have also now touched Kim’s vagina, Kim’s butt and even her boobs. I am not a rapper and I am also not famous, but I have now officially gotten to third base with Kim Kardashian. I am a legend.
These pubes have sat on my living room mantle for over 2 weeks and I cant decide what to do with them. Fertilize a garden? Put them in an empty bottle and throw it out to sea? I cant keep them because people keep asking me why I have a bag of hair on my mantle and I cant hide them someplace else because they will get lost.
And that is why they are now on sale here on eBay. Maybe Kanye will buy them back or maybe some lucky guy will get to keep them on HIS mantle. It does not matter to me. I just want these pubes to have a good home and me to have a few more dollars in my wallet.
The starting bid for Kayne’s bird’s nest is currently at 99 cents. Seeing as the asking price for a Kayne West bag of air was on the market for $65,000, it’s only natural to think that this brillo pad is going to skyrocket into the millions. ACT FAST!