We’re all familiar with Vine by now, and if you aren’t you either can’t afford to pay for your own Internet or are above the age of 75. Assuming you fall under neither of those categories let’s talk about Vine for a moment: I am of the belief that Vine is only popular because the attention span of the average American teenager is about 6 seconds. I’ll admit, at first I thought Vine was awesome; the sports clips being synced with the bass drops, the smack cams, etc. But here we are months after Vine began and it’s still the same thing, just way more unoriginal. Will I still watch Vine videos? Yes, because I too have an attention span of 6 seconds. Will I enjoy watching Vine videos? Not likely.
4. People who invite me to play games on Facebook
You know exactly who I’m talking about—that friend on Facebook who you went to high school with but rarely spoke to. He is the scum of Facebook. And even in the year 2013 he still thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to play Farmville. No, I would not like to harvest crops with you. I have better things to do with my time. Now excuse me while I watch this video of a girl twerking in a Burger King.
3. Anyone who comments on videos “Like this comment if…”
Go fuck yourself.
2. Girls who post selfies daily on Instagram
Unless you’re an actual model. Then this is acceptable. But assuming you aren’t, please tell me what goes through your head. What sort of sociopath thinks it’s okay to take pictures of yourself by yourself and expect everyone who follows you to just be thrilled when you post it? Chicks who do this also tend to post an unnecessary amount of pointless hashtags which are tough to look at for more than 3 seconds without gagging. Look, I get it, you think you’re attractive. I do not.
1. Popular Twitter pages
You’ve all seen them before—the celebrity parody accounts that consistently rack up thousands of retweets for posting jokes they stole from somewhere else on the internet. Constantly flooding your twitter feed with unoriginality because that one friend (whom you followed back solely because you would feel bad if you ignored them) can’t get enough of some Will Ferrell parody account.
But hey, I don’t even mind those parody accounts as much as I mind accounts that only tweet relationship advice (and go by the name @honesttweets or @tootruetweets or something of that ilk) and think they’re some sort of relationship gurus. In the words of the great Kanye West: YOU DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS! These accounts are bullshit because they take the most recycled tweets and try to make them seem genuine, so the unstable babes of Twitter can favorite every tweet they find relatable.
Bottom line: if you retweet these accounts, pray that I’m not in a room with a small child or animal. I might become enraged and throw said child/animal out of a window.
If you follow Peter Sullivan on Twitter he promises to do his best not to throw small children out of windows.