My God. When I woke up and started scanning the gossip-news-cluster-f*ck on Thursday morning, I thought the only new Charlie Sheen-related item of the day would be some marijuana model girlfriend. Boy, was I wrong about this crazy f*cking awesome bastard. His on-air radio interview with Alex Jones is probably the most tremendous Sheenism... of all time? I mean, just look at these pull quote gems:
"I think it was Nails (Lenny Dykstra, FTW!) that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I'm bayonets. I'm battle tested bayonets... I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't just perfect and just winning every second, and I'm not just perfect and bi**hing and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn. Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."
"I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
"I have cleansed myself, I closed my eyes in a nanosecond and cured myself of this ridiculous model of a disease of addiction and obsession. [AA] is just the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning. Ya know, this bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as 'Alcoholics Anonymous' supports a 5% success rate. My success rate is 100%, do the math! Another one of their stupid mottoes is, 'don't be special, be one of us.' NEWSFLASH: I AM special. And I will never be one of you."
He then proceeded to call Thomas Jefferson a p*ssy, but added:
"I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done … you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!"
Charlie spitting nothing but pure blue diamonds. Other items discussed: "Major League 3," "pure, complete gnarlisms," Vatican assassins deployed by the Pope, watching "Jaws" on a yacht, and all sorts of "winning." Oh yeah... "Two and a Half Men" production was brought to a halt. Listen to the whole 18 minute interview after the jump.
Upon hearing that "Two and a Half Men" stopped production again, Sheen picked up a quill and penned this rant to the producers, according to TMZ:
What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together -- Charlie Sheen
Well. there you have it. Beyond epic. What's your favorite quote in the whole she-bang?