Here at BroBible, we constantly shit on the inefficiencies of America’s cable companies. Like we diarrhea all over them. It’s basically a team bonding exercise. If cable companies actually made an effort to do their job, we probably wouldn’t have much to talk about. It’s such an easy thing to rally around because there are zero dissenting opinions. I’d be floored if one person in human history was like “wow, Time Warner/Comcast did what I wanted them to, when I wanted them to do it, at the price they said they would do it at!” It’s almost as unanimous of an opinion as “AIDS suck” or “Matt is the fucking man.”
That’s why it really hit home when SNL’s head writer and “Weekend Update” anchor, Colin Jost, absolutely shredded Time Warner Cable on Twitter for speaking with at least 25 customer service representatives and still not getting cable. Things got so hopeless, that a Time Warner rep suggested he switch cable companies. That’s like going to a restaurant and the waitress being like, “ya our food sucks balls, probably better off going to Chili’s instead.” (Of course you’re better off going to Chili’s, it’s a great family establishment with reasonable prices and an inviting atmosphere.)
Take a look at Jost’s extremely entertaining Twitter rant and Time Warner’s sheepish response to make things right.
The main reason I believe in the concept of Hell is because I know the people who work at Time Warner Cable will go there when they die.
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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My new goal in life is to be the Mother Theresa of getting people to switch from Time Warner Cable to Fios. #SpiteSpokesman — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
Hey Netflix, Want to come over to my place and watch Time Warner Cable slowly die together? (CC’ing Satan so he knows to expect them.)
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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When I called up Time Warner Cable, a representative said to me, out of nowhere, “I wish Bin Laden were still alive…” #timewarnercable — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
When I asked to speak to a supervisor at #TimeWarnerCable, they put me through to Pol Pot’s voicemail. #Directv #DirectvCopaAmerica
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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My #TimeWarnerCable isn’t working. The box just says, “Voting For Trump.” — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
If you cancel your #TimeWarnerCable and switch to another provider and send me photographic evidence, I will send you a check for $50.
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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For the record, my #TimeWarnerCable hasn’t worked in FOUR MONTHS. But in fairness, it may just be tired from blowing Satan. — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
I wrote a long polite letter notifying #TimeWarnerCable I would be canceling my service and they wrote back, “Mussolini cool af” @TWC
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
“”Looks like Time Warner took a break from actively ignoring its customers to chime in on the matter. I’ll grab the popcorn.
@TheColinJost We’re very sorry for any negative experience. Is there anything we can do to help? ^MG — TWC Help (@TWC_Help) June 18, 2015
.@TWC_Help perhaps you could check in with the 3 technicians who have been to my apartment this week for a total of 7 hours?
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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.@TWC_Help especially the last technician who literally left after shaking his head and saying, “Dat’s fucked up.” — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
.@TWC_Help or perhaps you could talk to one of the I’m-not-exaggerating 25 customer service reps I’ve talked to over the past 4 months?
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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.@TWC_Help or the representative with the ID number 2254 who just offered to credit my account for eighteen dollars and seventy five cents. — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
.@TWC_Help or the 4th technician who came a month ago, tried five different cable boxes, then genuinely suggested that I get @VerizonFiOS
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
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.@TWC_Help Where should I follow you? To Mordor? What’s your exact address? — Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
.@TWC_Help Yeah good call let’s try to keep this private. (whispered) “One of your technicians showed me his penis.”
— Colin Jost (@TheColinJost) June 18, 2015
I was most surprised Time Warner responded in a timely manner. I thought they would just tweet back “Please expect a response from us within 5-55 business days.” I guess that’s a small victory for TWC.
But since I’m a solution-oriented type dude, I think I found the hero America deserves. Call him up from the minors.
[H/T Uproxx]