Life
by Span Bennett on July 11, 2014

man-smell

Who knew that all those times you were booty blasting your passed out bros that you were actually helping them to maintain their physical health?

Scientists at Exeter University, probably while enduring a lot of Luigi-style death stares, snatched up some of those tuition and tax dollars and started studying the effects of smelling farts on the human body.

Exeter scientists get to throw crotch shots at the haters though because, as it turns out, smelling someone’s ass blast is good for you. Like, really good. Like open-your-nostrils-and-soak-in-that-stank good. So good, in fact, that scientists actually made a compound called AP39 that duplicates the effects of your beefy blowouts.

So before you blame those bastardly barking spiders how, exactly, do your booty biscuits build a better body?

1. Protect cells

The very thing that makes your farts smell like death is the same thing that protects your health. Hydrogen sulfide is deadly in large amounts. But in small doses it helps your cells protect themselves. Most people naturally produce useful amounts of hydrogen sulfide in their farts, but caution should be used around friends that have eaten over $10 worth of Taco Bell in one sitting.

2. Helps your body produce energy

Mitochondria in your cells produce energy. Over time mitochondria lose their energy-producing mojo and when that happens cells die. Something about that sweet smell of broken wind invigorates mitochondria and keeps them producing energy. Your cells even produce their own hydrogen sulfide when the mitochondria start acting up. So do your part for cell health and take your time at that breakfast burrito buffet. Take your time.

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3. Helps prevent inflammation

Inflammation in the body is an indication of lacking health and is caused by a litany of inner and outer physical trauma. Cells boosted with fresh hydrogen sulfide can keep working to hold off inflammation and…

4. Fight illness

A healthy cell is an illness-fighting cell. And healthy doses of inflammation-fighting cells with mitochondria pumping out the go-go juice means that you will see less infections, colds and other generalized conditions. So go ahead. Dutch oven your girl with pride.

5. Treats a bunch of specific aging-related conditions

Stuff like strokes, heart failure, diabetes, arthritis and dementia can all come with just getting old. These conditions are greatly aided, and sometimes prevented, by treatments that prevent cells from dying. And, it would seem, this could include treatments like the raw air from your backside barn burners. So next time you know you’re going to Gramma’s house be sure to grab some extra broccoli with pride. Her doctors will thank you for it.

Span Bennett

About Span Bennett...

Span (aka Mightyspan on Facebook and Twitter) was raised in a Detroit neighborhood while attending private, predominantly White, schools. The perspective this has lent him, along with his dazzling charisma and sense of humor, provides a look into the mind of a racial provocateur...or so says this bio that he just wrote.