This first one would make R. Kelly proud.
This story happened during my senior year of high school. Back then I had this slam piece that I would occasionally hook up with, and it was perfect because she lived about 5 minutes away from me.
On a Sunday after church, I was at home getting ready to chill with my Bros when she hits me up and tells me that she's home alone and she's horny as hell. So doing what any normal guy would do, I walked down to her house and before I go on, I should state that she lived with her dad in an apartment complex that was 8 stories high and fortunately for me, her apartment was on the 7th floor.
So I get to her apartment and she opens the door for me and without saying anything, we go straight to her room and we just start going at it. She takes off my shirt and was about to go down when all of a sudden, we hear keys in the door and she immediately got off me and started panicking because her father wasn't supposed to be home for a few hours.
Luckily for us, the door to her room was locked so we had a few minutes to think. Don’t forget I'm still on her bed shirtless with a mega hard on not knowing what to do with it. So finally when she calmed down, she tells me to get in her closet and stay there so I grab my shoes and shirt and immediately jump in her closet.
After I was in there, She got dressed and went out to greet her dad and for a girl that was freaking the F*ck out, she was totally calm and gave nothing away. So after she talked to her dad, she came in her room and turned on her music to its highest volume so he couldn't hear what was going on in the room. She comes over to the closet and opens the door and tells me she wants it right now. I had no idea what to say to this chick because she dad was literally in the next room but like any red-blooded American would quietly go out of the closet and started where we left off. She finally got my pants off and I have to say till this day, she is one of the best head I have every gotten. So I start f*cking this chick and I forgot to mention that she was a screamer, till this day I still don’t know how her father couldn't hear her but anyway we go at it for about what seemed like an hour or so before we both got tired.
So I finish with her and head back into the closet still trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of the apartment because jumping out the window was out of the question. I ended up staying in her closet for 3 more hours until her father went into the bathroom to take a piss and their apartment was built in a way that the bathroom was right next to her room. After waiting for him to close the door, I immediately jumped out of the closet and got the hell outta there without so much as a goodbye to the girl. Throughout the rest of the day I felt so badass because I had just escaped my execution and I banged this slampiece while her dad was in the next room. Needless to say, mission f*cking accomplished.
The following story occurred early in my bachelor years, I was only 18, and fresh out of high school, I like to say all my stories will make me look like a giant pimp, who got laid a lot, but I would be cheating the reader, if I didn't also tell the stories of when the story might not make me look as good, but I got laid, and that’s the whole point in life, RIGHT? Anyways me and my four friends, will call them Jayman, LateBloomer, and QuietOne, decided to take a trip from our home town the windy city, to Sandusky, Ohio, and visit Cedar point, home to some of the best roller coasters in the world.
We were 18 and convinced we could get laid anywhere, most of us were right. Anyways, being 18, and on a trip by ourselves, we did what all young men do: we mixed alcohol and beer with everything we did there. We literally drank before going to the amusement park, during the amusement park, and after the amusement park. Being drunk at a amusement park, makes you do some crazy sh*t, which I still can't believe we got away with, like pissing while standing in the hour long lines.
One of the days there, we were all feeling good/drunk when we spotted a group of chicks. Being immature, we called “dibs” on a girl. Jayman choose first and called dibs on the hot brunette, which I was secretly happy about since I wanted the busty, trashy looking blonde, who I instantly tabbed as mine. QuietOne calls dibs on the third homely looking chick, and LateBloomer is stuck as a spectator for now since no more tail is available in this group.
We start talking to the chicks, when Jayman quickly realizes his has a BF, and isn't down to f*ck, so he decides to commit the robbery, with me being the victim, and the busty blonde proceeds. At this point I was in no mood for a competition, so I did what any mature 18 year old would do, I pouted and ignored both the girl and Jayman. Jayman and QuietOne hanged all over the chicks the rest of the day, while me and LateBloomer continued to get trashed and piss in lines.
At some point we all head back our hotel and Jayman, and QuietOne take their dirties back to the room to punish them. So LateBloomer and I start kicking back beers in the front courtyard of our hotel, and as luck would have it, we meet two girls we start drinking with. We’re flirting with these two girls, talking sh*t about our two buddies, and how they are in the room sleeping with two sluts, they just met. These girls are eating up our every word, and telling us how it's finally nice to meet two guys who think sleeping with random girls you just met is dirty, since they feel the same way.
Well, at some point Jayman appears on the balcony of our hotel, and starts screaming my name while only wearing a towel around his waste, but I continue to ignore him, and chat up our new chicks, when I hear him say IT'S YOUR TURN. I instantly stop what I'm doing, finish my beer, and start walking back to our room. The two girls realize what I'm doing and start throwing empty beer cans at me, and calling me a lying hypocrite, I just continue on my journey, leaving LateBloomer with the two nuns.
I walk into the room and hear the girl and Jayman arguing, with her saying “I’M NOT SLEEPING WITH YOUR FRIEND,” Jayman is just being a dick and saying “yes you are.” As I walk in, the girl looks up at me, turns to Jayman and says “you mean with him?” Jayman says “yeah,” and I sh*t you not she says “OH. OK.” So I get down to business with this chick, and at some point really do go down on her. Jayman sees this and starts yelling “DUDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING I NUTTED IN HER!” I know it's too late, but I stop doing what I was doing and then decide just to go to pound town. I’m on top of this chick pounding away when Jayman brings in LateBloomer, and they start telling me to hurry up, because it's his turn. At this point I haven't shot the seed, so I'm not about to not finish. Well, this chick starts clawing me in the back saying “I'm not sleeping with your other friend I just did you too, cause your hot, and I wanted you to begin with.” Well, LateBloomer not hearing what I just heard, is getting anxious and starts telling me, “at least flip her over so I can put it in her cornhole.” I refuse, because I have not yet busted, and because this girl was serious about not wanting anyone else.
Well, Jayman and Late bloomer realize I'm not gonna share and they start heckling us both, and really saying mean sh*t. So me and the girl get dressed and leave. I’m walking down the street with this broad holding her hands, when guess who pulls up in our car, and starts yelling sh*t at us, yep JAYMAN AND LATE BLOOMER. They are saying everything they can think of to us, including reminding me, I had ate Jayman’s nut. I just ignore them, since I'm on a mission, and that mission ends with me busting a fat nut. The girl and I finally dip off into the forest, to get away from the two haters, and finish what we started. For the next twenty minutes I pound out this slut, with my bare ass flopping in the wind. Finally. I finish and take this chick back to her hotel. I go back to the room, and instantly I'm verbally attacked by both Jayman and LateBloomer, but I stick to my defense that I just wanted to nut, and if they would of let me, things would of turned out different.
I later found out, that QuietOne was under the sheets still with the homely girl, and had been throughout the whole night. Apparently instead of banging his chick, he's decided to make love to her, that's what it sounded like anyways when I finally realized they were both still there.
Eventually we all pass out. In the morning I wake up with an ass filled with mosquito bites, and when we go to leave, we find out the busty blonde came back in the middle of the night, and decided to destroy QuietOnes car, because she had seen Jayman and LateBloomer driving it the night before, when they were driving by and talking sh*t to us. The damage to the vehicle is so bad, we don't make it five blocks before the car starts smoking, and dies out. Well, we were forced to stay an extra night, while the car got fixed, but HEY AT LEAST I GOT LAID, RIGHT?
This last one is eligible for a prize…in the fiction category. I'm sure we've had a few fake stories in this column but none so outlandishly fabricated as this next one.
This is actually my Cousin's story about his first and only foursome and he tells me it every time he sees me so I decided to share it with some fellow bros. I will write it as if he were speaking. He is 22 now and this happened to him in his junior year of high school. Here it goes.
It was my junior year of high school and every year we had some lame ass sleepover trip somewhere to celebrate the end of the school year. There was this one hot chick (let's call her Emily) in my history class whose mom was a TOTAL MILF. I was trying to hook up with Emily but she thought I was just a player. I kept trying but she kept turning me down. So me and my bros were planning on skipping the trip because it sounded awful and the trips the past two years were boring as f*ck. We were going to some camping place and I over heard our somewhat hot teacher talking to the MILF about being a supervisor on the trip. I then decided I was going.
My Bros and I snuck some booze in our bags and were pounding bottles in the back of the bus. I kept talking to Emily but she kept rolling her eyes. Sure enough her MILF mom walks back to find us with the beer. My one bro was sweating so much thinking she would rat us out. Instead, she grabs a bottle, sticks it under her skirt, and pops the cap open with her p*ssy (no joke). She walks away with the bottle as our jaws hit the floor.
So we get to the campsite in the evening and I figure out Emily's MILF mom is our cabin's supervisor. Perfect. We had some lame campfire and of course I tried again to hook up with Emily. She got mad and told me she would never ever sleep with me and I should stop trying. I was really disappointed because she was an easy 8/10. So we get back to the cabin and there is a note on my bed pillow saying “Meet in my room. We need to talk. Janet. (Emily's mom).” I didn't know what it meant but I was anxious so I went to her room.
I walk into her room to find her on her bed in lingerie. She says she heard what happened between Emily and I and she wanted to apologize and make it up to me. She gets naked and gets on my D. We wildly go at it for a solid 30 minutes when Emily walks in. Emily screams and asks me how could I be doing this to her. It turns out she wanted me anyways and she strips and joins in. A threesome? Thank you god. So Emily joins and I nail her for a bit while eating out her mom's p*ssy. Just as I thought I was having a good night, my teacher walks in wondering why there was screaming. She stands in the doorway speechless for a minute. She then says her husband hasn't given it to her in ages and we can get off the hook if we allow her to join in. I said what the heck and let her because she had a round ass and HUGE cannons. It turned out she sucked like a BOSS. Easily the best night ever.
Out of curiosity, and my lust for sightseeing, I just looked up “girl opening a beer with her pussy” and it WAS a sight and there WERE results, but none that lead me to believe this feat could be done without the help of a cleverly placed bottle opener. By “cleverly placed” I of course mean, “inserted into her queef shack.”
That’s it for today.
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