So here's the story, Bros: We've been getting a ton of submissions so going forward this column is going to be on Mondays and Wednesdays. If even more stories from your blasphemous sex lives keep rolling in, we'll add more days. Fantastic news? FANTASTIC NEWS! Glad we can all agree. Pass on to read this week's stories and submit your heroic quests here.
I found this first one in the Brommunity last week and when you claim to have pummeled a NFL player's soon-to-be wife, you get top billing.
I’ll keep this little letter of mine short and short. For spring break my Bro invites me to go to Florida with them, and since I’m lacking a v*gina and have the insurmountable urge to get blackout drunk everyday and have unprotected sex with girls I don’t love, I was immediately in.
So we are in Ft. Myers doing our thing, slamming Natty Ices with the Bros. But become bored with our current situation. Feeling the scent of v*gina juice all around us, we hurry up to the nearest hotspot on the beach.
Booty shaking, half-naked broads, and enough alcohol to drown out a gaggle of elephants has created the environment that I’ve been searching for. After buying a few drinks, a few objects (women, if you will) approach our encampment of me and three of my boys. Seeing that the females have caught the scent of the alpha males we are, we decide to entertain these girls, since they are acceptable for how much alcohol we have consumed. We start chatting, and soon we break off with our individual girls. I lay the mack down on this blonde who has some potential, and she eats my stories up of being all Ohio lax and bullsh*t of that nature.
Things go down; her friend lost her wallet and she has to dip out, so she hands me a napkin with her number on it (which is nice, because through the conversation I have forgotten her name. Why? because f*ck it, she was not that important). So later that night I get a call and she heads over, ditching the crying scum monkeys. Seeing that she is in need of a solid D down, we head to the beach.
Shirts come off then, out of nowhere, the cops’ spotlight comes down on us. We scatter faster than roaches; leaving bits and pieces of clothing on the beach and we resume the party back at my place. Needless to say, she’s a freak, and I raw dog her.
Upon waking up in the morning (to a solid C+ blow job), I start talking to her about the night before. Then the bomb drops. She was engaged to T.J Lang of the Green Bay Packers. Not believing her bullsh*t ruse I asked for proof. She then showed me pictures of them together, other with them and with Aaron Rodgers, and her engagement ring. Thinking I am the coolest motherf*cker in the world, I quickly recall that I raw dogged her. Scared for my penises life, I tell her I’m busy and she leaves. In the end, my dick is O.K., and I bashed a slammin’ hottie.
The coolest thing about it is that my d*ck is now friends with Aaron Rodgers. Stay bro.
Um yeah...if that's true T.J. is not going to be pleased when he sees this.
Here comes another one from Spring Break.
This past weekend was Spring Weekend at my college. Basically that means everyone drinks more and does more hard drugs and makes more decisions with negative long-term consequences. And there are concerts.
So on Saturday I did a lot of molly, smoked a lot of weed, and drank a lot of Nattys. Fast-forward to around 3 a.m., and I was texting a lady friend who was interested in hanging out. I figured I would be courteous, so before heading over to her place, I stopped at my dorm to apply some deodorant (to my sack).
Just outside my building, I was passing a fairly cute girl I've never seen before. She smiled at me, tilted her head a little, and said “hi.” At the time, I figured reasonable human interaction dictated that instead of responding with a greeting, I should ask her if she wanted to get high. She said yes and asked where I lived.
After smoking a lot of [her] weed, we boned. Unfortunately, the mix of substances I had already put in my body was making it difficult for us (me) to reach a satisfying conclusion. Don't get me wrong, the dogging was raw and generally enjoyable, but I was just having some trouble. After what was probably at least 90 minutes, I politely informed her that I was going to j*zz. She seemed enthused by this idea; though I'm probably confusing enthusiasm with relief.
So I less-than-politely told her to get on her knees, and she was clearly expecting a big swallow. I had other ideas, and proceeded to Shiva-blast her in the face. This was no ordinary Shiva-blast either. It was easily the most glorious of the ~2500 loads I've dropped in the seven years I've been practicing. Peter North be damned. We're talking about a one-man bukkake, forehead to chin with excess runoff slowly dripping down.
Obviously she (I never got her name, by the way) was not thrilled with this turn of events, but I did what any self-respecting male would do in the circumstances. I asked her if I could take a picture (which I would later send to her parents as a Christmas card. But I didn't mention that). Her response- “I'm gunna leave.” I wasn't about to stop her, so I replied by telling her “You should probably clean up first.” She did. Then she left. And now I'll (hopefully) never see her again. Though you know what they say: Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere.
They do say that. And so does my Aunt Joanne.
Last night my fraternity had a bar tab downtown. The tab was fun and I hit on a couple girls but eventually ended up cutting my losses and came home alone. I live in an apartment with three other guys and when I came home all three of them were just hanging out in the living room with one of their buddies. It’s like 3 a.m. so eventually I pass out on our recliner. The next 30 minutes of this story is what I have ended up putting together in my head but honestly I have no idea how this ended up happening.
My roommates at some point had gone to bed and one of them had left to go drive the other guy home. While those two were walking out of the apartment to the elevator they said that this girl who lives in our apartment complex was walking out of the elevator kind of towards our room but they didn’t really think much of it. At this point, I was probably asleep for roughly an hour. In the middle of my slumber I wake up to somebody slapping my face. It was the girl. She was on top of me, naked, and riding my dick. WOW!
I recognized this girl from around the apartment but I had never said a word to this girl in my life. So she’s sloppily riding me and it became decision time: Do I freak out and kick this girl out or to I just go with it and get a free f*ck out of the deal? This girl is relatively hot so I decided to just go with it. I let her keep riding me for a few minutes during which my roommate comes back from dropping off his buddy.
I see him walk in and he sees that I am naked with some girl but he didn’t put it together that this was the same girl from before. He goes into his room and shuts the door just thinking that this was just a booty call. I end up getting this girl to suck my dick for like 45 minutes but I knew that it would take forever for me to get off so I start f*cking her again. This girl was the absolute loudest girl I have ever been with and we are in my living room so all of my roommates wake up at some point to the sound of skin smacking and this girl basically yelling.
At this point it’s about 4:30 in the morning and I had class at 10:00, so I decided it was time for me to get this girl out. I tell her that it’s time to go and she originally says alright but when I stand up to grab her clothes she started sucking my dick again. After repeating this two more times I finally tell this girl that I have to go to the bathroom. I go into my roommate’s bedroom and wake him up and tell him to help me get this girl out of here. I’m still in shock from this happening and when I tell him the course of events he laughs his ass off for a while.
When we go back into our living room, the girl is sleeping naked on the couch. So he poses for a picture with her so he can post it on our fraternity’s Facebook wall and we get her up and delivered down to her room. When we get back up to my room we laugh our asses off about this and then I realize that until I actually woke up, this girl was f*cking me without protection and she was not the tightest I’ve ever been with so I take a long thorough shower.
After this is all said and done I’m not really sure what to think. Did I technically get raped? If so, should I feel violated? (Because I definitely do not) Did I make the right decision? Do I try to smash this girl’s guts again? No matter what it’s a hell of a story.
To answer your questions: Yes. Probably yes. I can't say no. 1000 times yes. And goddamn do I miss college.
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