Life
by J. Camm on October 9, 2012

Q: So I've been dating this girl for a little over a month and during that time we didn't have sex. I was a bit peeved but hey, sometimes slow and steady can win the race. In this case I thought she was worth it—she's a babe and we really hit it off. Anyway last night she told me the reason we haven't had sex was she had the herp. 1) Is there anyway to have sex with her without getting the disease? 2) Am I crazy for even considering it?

A: There's no sure-fire way to jab that puss and not put yourself at risk. Condoms will lessen the exposure but their packaging lacks guarantees about protecting you from STDs for a reason. They are a lot like football helmets in that way. It's there to protect you, but anytime you suit up, you could still suffer a career-ending injury, at no fault to the manufacturer.

Other than sticking to anal (God, could you imagine what only having anal would do to her turd cutter? Bacon neck, for sure) using a condom while she isn't having an outbreak is probably the best way to avoid a lifetime prescription to Valtrex.

And of course you are crazy for considering this. The dick is a precious thing to waste. One night with her could ruin you forever. ONE NIGHT, of what very well could be lousy sex. Before you do this, maybe you should fuck a hornet's nest to learn the discomfort of a herpes outbreak. I mean, the pain probably isn't that dissimilar.

Q: You are walking down the street and you find a strange bottle. You rub it and a genie comes out. He will grant you only one wish out of three, very specific wishes. He also tells you that you will be slain on the spot, if you refuse to pick one. What a predicament! Here are the three wishes. A-The ability to have daily boners last for 12 hours straight (the other 12 hours you'll be as limp as a wet noodle); as long as you watch gay porn during the 12 hours and wear a Richard Simmons mask. B-The super human strength of Hercules; along with huge antlers, a third nipple, a half inch dick and no nuts. C-One million dollars in cash; but you would have Dolly Parton sized boobs, full lips that would make Mick Jagger proud, a permanent tattoo on your forehead that reads “I love to suck cock!” and be shrunken down to a height of three feet.

A: This genie sounds like a shitdick, but being slain on the spot is better than two of the three options you gave, so maybe he doesn't lack all compassion? And I'm going to answer this assuming I can't just go get plastic surgery to fix my newfound deformities, because if that were the case choice C would obviously be the best and only option.

Since I fancy myself a bit of a swashbuckler, and the other two outcomes are awful (minus surgery), I'm going to have to take the first option. Only I choose to stay endlessly hard. No breaks. No let up. No gay porn or masks. Every pillow would be a boner pillow. I want to be reaching for the sky at all times — tucking boners, pissing awkwardly, and creepily grinding on chicks for the rest of my life. 

What could possibly go wrong? 

As a throbbing boner machine, sex with me would be the ultimate self-esteem boost for chicks that have been burned and emotionally ruined by boyfriends with limp dick. I'd be saving lives all over town; fucking chicks off the ledge left and right.

Q: Normally when I see a girl that I'd dribbled my man seed on out at a bar that I haven't seen or talked to in months, I know it's not just a mid-ranger or a lay-up but a definite slam dunk.

This past Saturday, I come home to go out to a bar with my buddies that I haven't seen since August. This broad who I know wants it tells me she's going (obvious slammer and possible lay ups for my boys).

We all get to the bar and I find out that there is at least 5 girls that I've slammed in the same bar and 2 still want to hook up. There are another 2 girls that I've never been with that also want it. I've stayed conspicuous as possible so none of them would see me with the others. One was almost comatose so I sent her home with her friends (this girl I previously woke up from a blackout for her to be on top, some shit to wake up to right?) Another I hooked up with wanted me to go but I felt I had better options, so let her leave. Another girl was too drunk to stand also and the others I've slept with left. The one I've wanted to snag invited me back and sealed the deal.

Now since Saturday, I have 4 of these broads texting me to hang out all week. Please tell me this was at least a half decent move or do you think I could have eventually pulled a threesome out of the deal?

A: For people without the attention span to read all that, he basically said “I'm awesome, tons of chicks want to fuck me, got a lot of low hanging fruit looking to bang it out, should I try and fashion a threesome out of my prospects?”

Um…yes.

Or you can just stay the course, not ruffle any feathers, and string them all along till you tire, find better, or the semester ends, giving you a perfect reason to never acknowledge them again. “Why haven't I called? Why haven't you called!?! Since we didn't talk over break I figured you were over it.” [All is forgiven and everyone laughs over the mix up.] Yep, perfect.

Q: I've been with my girlfriend for almost five years. Out of those five years we have been states apart. We just started only texting every couple days. After about two weeks of not hearing from her I tell her I'm done and now she wants to talk and make it work. There is a girl that lives near me that I'm starting to really like. I don't know what i should do/how to react to the girlfriend wanting to fight for the relationship after telling her i was over it.

A: You are literally in the best breakup situation possible. You already don't see her EVER and you have an ironclad excuse. “We're growing apart, we barely talk, and the rising cost of lotion is killing me.”

If I were you, I wouldn't even give her the last attempt to save the sinking ship; no need to prolong the inevitable or allow yourself to look like the bad guy when you don't try to make it work, because your head's already up this other chicks skirt. Seems like you have one foot out the door, get the other out and get on with your life. After five years of long distance, you owe it to your dick.

Q: My girlfriend has been wanting me to get a haircut and she said if I didn't we can't be together, whats your opinion, haircut or breakup?

A: Red flag… GIGANTIC RED FLAG.

Today it's a haircut, tomorrow it's going to be giving up other things you love: golf will be sacrificed to go shopping with her, football will be cast aside to plant her a fucking herb garden because she can't eat store bought herbs with pesticides all over them, and when you do go to the grocery store you'll probably be forced to bring your own bags made of wheat or burlap because she's THE WORST HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET. I hate her.

And don't cut your hair. Unless you look stupid. Then maybe she has a point.

Follw me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.