Life
by Brian Killen on January 22, 2013

Self explanatory:
1. DON’T meet a foreign chick online.
2. DON’T get a foreign chick pregnant.
3. DON’T give a foreign chick your contact info.

If you have already showed a foreign chick what it is like to have some American in them, literally, and have Do’s and Don’ts of your own — please feel free to share with the audience.

DO: Something funny.

Doing funny shit before, during and after having sex with a foreign chick is a great idea. For Example: If she’s Mexican try and wear a sombrero. Doesn’t sound too funny now but in the moment get creative and it will make your story even better.

DON’T: Be Sober.

There’s no reason why you should be.

DO: Ask for a BJ.

As smutty as you think American girls are; foreign chicks have been blowing dudes for a lot longer. Just try not to think about that while she’s going to work on you.

DON’T: Return the favor.

Foreign chicks have also been having sex a lot earlier and  longer than us Americans so don’t feel obligated to return the favor because no matter what — you will think about all the guys who took her to pound town before you.

DO: Check the pitch before you play on the field.

God gave us hands for a reason so check out her situation down under before you start putting your penus erectus all up in there. You don’t want any last minute hairy situations surprising you.

DON’T: Have sex with her if she smells like shit.

Like Adidas…Just Don’t Do It! Instead, initiate shower sex.

DO: Always wear a condom.

Not only for baby-making purposes but you don’t want your dick looking like INSERT WEIRD LOOKING FUNGI HERE.

DON’T: Ask if she’s “clean.”

For some reason they always take offense to this. If you’re to the point of asking her if she’s clean or not there’s a good chance she’s been around. No one will ever know why girls hate certain things but asking a foreign girl if she’s clean is like calling an American chick the “C” word…which clearly stands for cunt.

DO: Have her talk dirty to you, in her language.

She will probably do this on her own but feel free to ask her for more. Technically it’s not that dirty if you have no clue what the fuck she’s saying to you.

DON’T: Try to talk in her language/Stop being American.

You’re bangin her because she is foreign and she is doing the same thing because you’re American and Americans are awesome. The American English language is the dirtiest language out there so go about your business like you are with another slam piece from first semester and definitely don’t try and speak her language.

DO: Try and record it.

Not only for proof but who knows? She might be down for a little video taping too.

DON’T: Refer to your penis as if it’s a person.

Most guys do have a name for their penis but not everybody. If you do refer to your penis by its name she will get confused and ask for an explanation. Doing so will take up too much time and too much energy. Instead…

DO: Refer to your penis as if it is one of HER national landmarks.

Examples:

• The Eifel Tower
• Big Ben
• The Great Wall of China
• The Parthenon
• The Coliseum
• The Glockenspiel
• Taj Mahal

DON’T: Ask if she has a boyfriend, fake boobs or a kid(s).

As mentioned above there are certain things foreign girls take offense to. Although I can see any girl getting mad, if asked any of these three things, try to avoid asking them like the plague.

DO: Tell the first Bro you talk to.

At this point, telling the first Bro you talk to about a girl you banged in general, let alone a foreign chick, is an unwritten law. Telling a Bro every detail is vital for two reasons: One, for props. Two, making sure nothing is left out from your trip into foreign lands.

DON’T: Smoke a cigarette in bed after sex.

It’s not as easy as it is in movies and you will burn yourself.

DO: It for the story.

Let her get kinky and do some shit for the story. Stories are always better when they’re out-of-the-box but in this case the better the experience inside-her-box will get you a better story.

DON’T: Contact her if it was weird, bad or she told you she loves you.

This can lead to a heavy duty Stage 5 clinger along with an unlimited number of phone calls, emails or random “surprise” visits to your house.

Disclaimer: Having sex with a foreign hooker is NOT that same as having sex with a foreign chick.