Life
by Fitz E Fresh on June 5, 2013

Q: I was fucking a girl for a few months back; fake tits, great body, follows everything I tell her to the T when we fuck– one of my better pulls. We suddenly stopped hanging out after close to 3 months. We fucked one night then she said she was busy taking finals and we never met up again after. I wasn't trying to date her so I didn't ask questions.

Facebook informed me she got a new boyfriend a short while after we stopped talking.

She works and has a place in the city but her hometown, and her BF, is about an hour away in New Jersey. I finally moved into the city this week and she texted me a couple times already asking to see my new spot.

My question is how do I go about making the move when she comes over? We are probably going to smoke and chill for the night…but I want to fuck her. I feel like I need to make an excuse to get her alone with me that happens to be convenient in the moment. Kind of make it like “oh shit I slipped and fell on his dick,” I just don't know how to manipulate the situation to get it wet.

How does one go about fucking an ex-piece when she now has a BF?

A: “Oh shit I slipped and fell on his dick”…I see. So you're kind of envisioning your life as a Scary Movie 6 situation.

Definitely not realistic, at all, but a guy can dream, I guess.

The real question is, are you trying to date this real-life porno barbie? Or are you simply trying to reach another level of conquest by squeezing on her fake boobs one last time? If it's the latter…not cool breau. Not, cool. I'll admit on her behalf that some feelings may still be lingering in her loins for your jaunts of the past; but if she took the public–and might I add, degrading– step of making her new relationship Facebook official, she probably won't be too quick to throw it all away just to bone you on a whim.

I mean, the thought of having to update her status to “its complicated” so quickly would just be like, a pretty devastating blow, you know?

Then again, she does have fake boobs. Which indicates to me that she's probably down to blow just about anything.

Long and short, don't try adding strings to a previously no-strings-attached relationship. And frankly, don't attach yourself at all. I'm sure you can find a new fake teet to suckle at that isn't already committed to someone else.

Q: I have a girl (girl a) on my 'to bang' list. I hear from reliable sources that another girl (girl b) has me on hers. While this usually wouldnt be a problem, 'girl a' and 'girl b' live together and are presumably good friends.

Does 'girl a' have a girl code thing in which she cant get with a guy who is on 'girl b's' list?

If so is it enough of a code that a night at the bar and some mild intoxication wouldnt help?

If it makes a difference, 'girl b' did see me first.

A: As long as we're talking strictly bang list and nothing more (i.e. actual feelings), you may be in the clear. If you've ever had a honest conversation with your close friends you realize that there are certain people who…well, you'd both just really like to fuck. Even if the other person already did. Sometimes it just can't be helped. Sure some people are off limits, and other factors like depth of friendship, degree of loyalty, and level of cattiness specific to the situation can always add in some unwanted complications. Not to mention, “bang lists” are pretty malleable, and change frequently, which is one of the reasons that no one writes them down; and also why you shouldn't necessarily go off of opinion. Rather, I'd suggest you set your sights on one of the two babes instead of gambling for either/or. If the fates strike in your favor, you might even achieve both. But probably not.

Q: My question is simple: to tuck, or not to tuck? If a dude is wearing a button-down and chinos, or given the current season, a pair of pastel shorts, do you prefer button-downs on guys tucked in or left out? I've heard that tucking in can really flatter a bros physique, but leaving un-tucked looks more relaxed. I'm interested on your take, babe.

A: Happy to share some insight here. Since my full-time job is in the world of men's fashion (yep, I have a dayjob) it's refreshing to answer a question that's career-relevant rather than dick-related. Refreshing, indeed.

Untucked is definitely more casual, and totally the move for daytime drinking, barbecues, and other low-key or otherwise sweaty affairs.

Dinner, on the other hand, along with dates or special summer occasions like fourth of july in the Hamptons deserve a tidy tuck. It shows some effort and yeah, if you've got the bod, it shows off the physique. Either way I respect a dude who respects high-quality threads and looking good in general so you're in a solid spot.

Q: I met this girl a few months ago and we became friends for a few weeks and eventually things start heating up. We start banging regularly up until the summer, things are good and she gets really into me. How can I keep things up over the summer, if I'm into her and want to pick it back up in the fall? The communication has slowed down and I think she's losing interest. Do I just not talk to her for the summer and try to pick it back up in the fall or hit her up casually while we're away? The kicker is she's too far away to meet up and given how much she likes sex she'll be banging other dudes over the summer.

A: There's really not much you can do to keep the flame alive beyond ensuring that your breaus Instagram some pics of you looking sexy and bronzed at a beach. Good to keep reminders popping up. And yeah, chances are she'll be fucking some other dude while she's at it. But you'll probably have your own shit going on too, so don't stress it.  Luckily, if you avoid summer obesity/acne/etc, you guys probably won't have too tough of a time picking back up where you left off come Fall semester. The anticipation of that first reignited hookup will create a simply glorious sack sesh and will set the tone for those to come.

Q: Hi. Can you please stop saying the word “breau”? It's ridiculously annoying and makes absolutely no sense. Given that its not even a fucking word, I am completely in the dark as to why you would utilize this word at all. Please stop use of this word immediately.

A: Hi. Can you please stop being such an impetuous dickhead? Your confusion is directly correlated to the fact that I MADE THE WORD UP.

That's right motherfucker. A la carte straight from The Fitztionary. Yeah. Made that one up too.

I'm here to give you turd burglars advice and if I want to coin some personalized verbiage along the way…well, I really just don't see the harm in it.

Not only has my word caught on, but you actually have zero grounds upon which to be rightfully offended by it. To conclude, an excerpt from The Fitztionary clarifying the details and origin of the word in question;

Breau (noun):
br-oe
1. A young man in relation, metaphorically or otherwise, to another individual.
2. A person belonging to a social circle of fraternal brethren.
3. A way to address someone on a familiar level regardless of actual familiarity.

Example: “Listen breau, quit harshing my mellow.

Origin: Greek(life) influence; created as an opportunity to both mock yet simultaneously connect with a specific audience.

Now that we've cleared that up, submit your Ask a Babe questions here.

[Cheating woman image via ShutterStock]