Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: Dear Bro, First, I love reading your column - it is hilarious and as a female I really enjoy it. Second, I have a question: There is a guy that works in the office I intern at that I know is interested in me. We work together on different projects even though he is an actual employee of the firm, but his feelings have been established for a couple of months now. While I just saw it as flattery initially and just wanted to playfully flirt with him I'm now kind of interested too. If I was just going to stop my internship after the winter, I would probably just go for it. However, my boss just offered me a full-time position for when I graduate and I'm just not sure what to do at this point. Is there any good that could come out of this situation with the guy or should I just not do anything?
A: It warms my heart to know my column doesn’t have you, A FEMALE, blowing barf into the garbage pale alongside your desk when you read it. And when you say that you “really enjoy it” I’m can only assume it forces you to throw a few digits into that finger puppet under your skirt. (Note: Those are the only two options for women when reading this. Really thrilled that you chose the latter.)
What I'm about to say about having sex with company employees while you're a low-life intern goes for both sexes.
Scenario 1: You're an intern at a company you have no intention of ever becoming an employee at.
Fuck anyone you want. Leave nothing in your wake. Take phantom shits on the bathroom floor. The world is your oyster.
Scenario 2: You're an intern at a company that has offered you a job when you graduate.
You are not even an employee yet. Unless you are a fucking savant, do not think you are special or someone they can't replace in less than a heartbeat. They likely hired you because they're lazy and the hiring process costs time and money. If someone catches wind of this, that offer will fly right back off the table. Believe it or not, most companies frown upon their staff sucking and fucking each other silly because when it ends, it ends awkwardly. So I suggest that you wait until you work there for a few months and then re-evaluate.
Q: What's up bruh? So I have a serious question here that I was hoping you could help me out with. Right now I'm a junior and it's coming that time to apply for internships. Now I'm a business major (mainly because I didn't know what the fuck else to do) from a school with a good reputation and I've had internships past two summers and my parents are pushing me towards that path. However, I'm feeling more and more like I want to get into writing, comedy in particular. I have some experience (editor of the humor section of my school paper in high school) and I've written some stuff that I've shown friends/fratmail and gotten good feedback. I feel like I'm kinda at a crossroads here and was wondering if you were in the same position (parents pushing you/your friends all do finance and business shit/kinda being a bigger pussy than what's between some poor groupie's legs after Greg Oden is done with her) and if you had advice? And if you have any idea where your career is going/ what other writers have done after spreading their wings and leaving the BroBible nest.
A: I knew nothing of animosity until the day I told my parents that finance could go fuck itself, and that I was going to be a writer. My dad pulled his classic "I'll take you out of the will" threat, while my mother took what I had told her and twisted it into "my son wants me to help him find another job in finance." That was almost four years ago and although I am doing fairly well, my mom still finds it necessary to talk to me about people who could get me a job in finance. I guess telling her friends that I work on WALL STREET is slightly better, in her mind, than telling them I write for a living and opt to call farts "shit steam" because it makes me FEEL ALIVE.
Truthfully, though, when I made the leap I almost turned right back around to chase money. I was writing and loving it, sure, but I was also depleting my savings account at handjob speeds because I was earning peasant wages. And one day, about six months into it, I got a lucrative offer to go back into the world I so loathed. I didn't do it. I COULDN'T do it. Naturally, I'm retarded and told my parents about the offer, and my declining of said offer. That's the first night I ever heard my dad call me stupid to my face. He phrased it as a question, I believe his exact words were, "Are you stupid, Son" but it stung all the same because it was most definitely rhetorical. That was also the night I learned that they keep an endless supply of animosity in the tank.
Boy, were they overcome with fury. Understandably so. It's not that they didn't support me; somewhere, deep down, where maggots reproduce and shit is the least foul-smelling substance, lived a shred of support for their son, the massive fucking idiot. But I get it. How do you explain that your dipshit offspring left a much higher paying job for three pennies above minimum wage? Moreover, what do you do when he asks for money because he can't afford to live? I know I hope I never have to go through that with my son. I might kill the stupid bastard.
Today, I look back at it as one of the better decisions of my life. I never wanted to work hard in finance. Every time I switched companies -- because I like money being thrown at me -- I'd tell myself that the new job was going to be the one that satisfied me. That would work for about three months and then, without fail, I'd hate it all the same. That's no way to go through life, team.
So I turned to this and I put just about everything I have into it. But I was lucky, because I already had this job. I landed here as a freelancer long before I left everything else behind and I knew I had a full-time job whenever I wanted it. If I had to start from square one on day one, freelancing from site to site to get by, I don't think I'd have lasted. Shit, I almost didn't make it even with a head start.
But I’ll tell you what keeps me up at night: the future. I can do this for how much longer—maybe 10 years? And then what happens? Screenwriting? ACTUAL JOURNALISM? I haven’t the slightest fucking clue. That’s why I’m putting all my eggs in the My-Son-Is-Going-To-Be-The-Next-Tiger-Woods basket.
My advice is simple (and I've said it before): Do something with your life that doesn't make you wake up every morning wishing you died in your sleep. Everything else will fall into place. Or it won't.
Time for a boobs gif? TIME FOR A BOOBS GIF!
Q: I’m a high school bro from Chicago. I've grown up going to Northwestern and Wisconsin games all my life. Im having trouble picking a school though. What im looking for is southern, hot girls, great parties, and good football. Coming from the Midwest I don't really know which southern schools would be the best fit for me. Thanks.
A: Ah fuck.
It seems as though the last mailbag has given you the wrong impression. That A) I have expansive knowledge on specific colleges and B) I want to help people pick the one that won't fuck up the rest of their life.
Sadly, neither of those things could be further from the truth. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't really help you right now anyway. You want to know why that is? Well, it's because your ability to state your interests is dreadful. World-class awful, really. You want to go to a southern school with hot girls, great parties, and good football? That's terrific. And my advice is this: Go grab a map of the United States and then look at the BCS rankings and then fucking pick one. Problem solved.
Q: Ever since I've moved into a new apartment, my next door neighbor (who's nice, but a 2 out of 10 on the scale) has been nice and visits a lot. However, even though I like the cupcakes and stuff she makes me, she's been inviting herself over more than once a day, sometimes hours at a time, and she even props the door open when she leaves so that she can get back in. It's starting to get really creepy (she sends me about 5 snapchats a day even though I've never replied), and no matter how much I act neutral and don't flirt at all in return I can't shake her. How do I get rid of her, at least just back to being just neighbors?
A: Oh my god, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!
You’re not going to admit it but you did something to bring this upon yourself.
Did you fuck her? You fucked her, didn’t you? God, you’re sick.
But maybe you didn't do anything at all. Maybe you've just been you. Really awesome you, the stud who ugly people want to bake shit for and send unsolicited sexts to. Tough life, pal.
I honestly don't envy your situation. This broad sounds bonkers and there is one thing I want every day when I wake up and that is to be left alone by other people. Especially the Weirds. So this would be motherfucking misery. I'd take a Judas Cradle clean up my ass over this. No lie. No lube, either.
The way I see it, the only things you can do to turn this around are pack up and move; shit on her hopes, dreams, and confidence by telling her the truth; or blatantly avoid her for a material period of time. Like eternity.
That's about it.
Wait! There is one more thing you can do: bring other girls home and have nauseating amounts of loud sex with them.
I don’t know about you, but of those four options only one of them seems ideal.
P.S. Bonus Boobs GIF