The 21st century is chock full of useless distractions — reality TV shows, social media, memes, Internet porn — that weigh bros down in a gluttony of unnecessary bullshit and strip them of their masculinity.
OK, I was kidding about Internet porn — just wanted to make sure you were reading and not skimming.
But in all seriousness, bros everywhere need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and make sure that the rampant wave of new technology hasn’t made them disintegrate into a feeble pool of cowardice — someone that your grandfather, a veteran of World War II, would be ashamed of calling “grandson”.
If you’re reading this and pondering the thought, “yea, maybe I have lost some of my manliness,” then chances are you have turned in a soft labia.
In case you don’t know — or are just in flat-out denial, here some signs that you have become a pussy and what behavioral changes need to be made to restore your sense of manhood:
1. Taking a selfie
If you’re a bro who’s trying to impress somebody — most likely a female, then raising your smart phone into the air and snapping a photo of yourself making a dumb, confused face is absolutely the wrong way to go about it.
If you’re going to indulge in taking a photo of yourself, then have someone else take it and make sure it’s of you doing something worth taking a picture of. Try: fixing a car, flying a plane, holding up the head of an animal you just shot, etc. I don’t have all the answers here, but I know for sure that a selfie is just about as useless as having an asshole on your elbow.
Remedy: The short answer — don’t take a selfie.
The longer one — jerking off is better, and much simpler, than selling your soul to the social media devil. I’d rather pleasure myself all day long, than try to impress some chick through Instagram. Chances are she’s a lame lay anyways if she needs a picture of you with your tongue out to convince her you’re worth fucking.
2. Strip club refusal
I’ll admit, not proudly, that I was this guy only a couple of weeks ago and it took a few good friends to point out what a pussy I was being. I don’t care what your defense is — if your friends want to make it a strip club night, than you join them like any good bro would. Feeling sick and not having enough money are 21st century excuses layered in bullshit and self-absorption. Be a part of something bigger than yourself.
Remedy: Listen to your friends; succumb to the peer pressure. Strip clubs have always been, and always are, a fun time even if you don’t remember what happened the next morning.
3. Staying in on a weekend night
This is totally different if your girlfriend has decreed for some one-on-one time, but other than that situation, it’s entirely inexcusable. There will plenty of weekend nights to stay home when you’re older and you have a family. Make the most of this time because soon enough you’re going to be changing diapers. Make the most out of being young while you can — live with no regrets.
Remedy: Again, listen to your friends — they will help guide you toward the right decision and make sure you don’t over think this one too much. If the entire group is voting to call it a night at 11:30 on a Friday, then it may be time to get some new friends.
4. Clothing & appearance
This could be it’s own article so I will try to summarize: tight jeans, hipster glasses, French-like hairstyles and every other over-the-top style decision some bros make these days are all signs that you’ve turned into a soft body and are in desperate need of a makeover — and no, I don’t mean a trip to the salon or the mall.
Remedy: Ditch anything you’ve purchased since the creation of the iPhone and return to a much simpler wardrobe. All the color-matching outfits you have are a prime example of why you’ve lost your manliness.
Brunch is made for old women and guys who wear those aforementioned hipster glasses at all times of the day. If you’ve somehow been roped into doing a fancy, Sunday brunch, then I’m sure you’ll regret it the minute the hostess says you have to wait a hour to be seated. If this type of situation doesn’t make your blood boil, then you’re a lot worse off than I can even imagine.
Remedy: Try scrambling some eggs and microwaving some bacon hungover. That’s the closest thing a bro should ever get to having brunch.
6. Shopping at the mall
I couldn’t resist harping on guys that go to malls some more. Do you think Clint Eastwood would be seen dead at a mall? Chuck Norris? I can keep going, but I think you get the point — men do not shop at malls; men do not get seen walking around malls “looking” for clothing. Online shopping exists for a reason, bros.
Remedy: It’s a double-edge sword. Although there’s a lot about the 21st century that prompts men to act like pussies, the advancement of society has given us the ability to buy everything we need with one click on our computer. Why do it any other way?
7. Habitual hospital trips
One of my personal favorites signs, because it really exemplifies how far we’ve fallen as a society. Do you think your dad or his dad would go to the hospital back in the day with a migraine? Hell no. Then why the hell should you?
Remedy: Take some Advil, drink a glass of orange juice-vodka, and smoke a bowl. Everything is going to be OK. My personal secret to any illness is jacking off — it makes you feel better regardless of whatever you think it is that’s wrong with you.
8. Internet “How to’s”
Again, I’ll be the first to admit (not proudly) that I’ve fallen victim to this more times than I can even count, but it doesn’t make it alright. Looking up how to do every little thing in life is no way to live your life as a man. Establish some independence from your phone and learn how to fix a clog sink without the Internet. Yes, it’s convenient, but it’s also rapidly reducing our masculinity.
Remedy: Trial and error. What’s wrong with trying to solve a problem the old fashion way by trying a few different methods and seeing which one works best? Half the fun of living life is experiencing and learning new things, or so they say. Guys from this generation wouldn’t know, because we’d have to look up “how to live life” on our phones for an answer.
9. Food selection
Being a picky eater is probably not only a sign that you’re a pussy, but that your parents did a shitty job raising you. If you dictate where other people eat and what other people eat, then you’re a brat as much as you are a food snob, and chances are people don’t like going out with you.
Remedy: Act like a gentleman. If you’re with a group that has females, then let them choose the place to eat. If you’re just with the guys, then settle for whatever they’re getting. There’s no need to make two stops just because you’ve never eaten at Arbys before. Complaining about where you eat hungover isn’t going to win you anymore friends.
10. Abusing catch phrases
I’m glad this came full circle, because a bro who over-uses catch phrases like “YOLO” is just as bad as the super-douche taking a photo of himself on the train. There is absolutely no difference — both are pussies and both are bi-products of a way too liberal society that allows for men to act as they please without any repercussions. If we’re going to salvage our manliness, then we need to lay waste to everything and anything that represents vanity.
A man is a provider, not a coward. You’re never going to be proud of who you are, if you’re the type of guy who is screaming, “pay attention to me.” That’s not how being a man works.
If you don’t want to take it from me, take it from the wise words of Tony Soprano:
“Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody’s gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on Sally Jessy Raphael and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn’t in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn’t know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn’t be able to shut him up! And then it’s dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!”
Remedy: Like the Godfather once said, “you can act like a man!”