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20 Signs You’re a Basic Bro

By / 04.25.14

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Last week, the Basic Bitch phenomenon set the Internet on fire and every relevant blog put their spin on what it meant to be a Basic Bitch. In my completely unbiased opinion, some stud on BroBible had the best take, equating the Basic Bitch to the “typical girl,” the girl who does normal girl things and can make fun of herself for taking a timeout from her Pinterest-inspired paleo quesadilla to Instagram a picture of it #Pinterest #paleo #healthy #obsessed #blessed.

This week, although certainly without the same popularity or fanfare, a couple of blogs briefly touched on the male version of the Basic Bitch, aptly named the Basic Bro.

Now last week before I wrote my first article, I reached out to a couple of my female friends to get a better idea of what it meant to be a Basic Bitch. This week, no such extracurricular research was needed, because in many ways, I am the Basic Bro. I’m a regular dude who like regular dude things. I like sitting on the couch in a pair of basketball shorts I haven’t washed in a week, watching Sopranos reruns and eating a bowl of sugary cereal with way too much milk in it. And similar to the Basic Bitch, there’s nothing wrong with being a Basic Bro. So using the same criteria I did for the Basic Bitch, here’s a list of 20 questions that help indicate whether or not you or someone you know is in fact a Basic Bro:

– Does your going-out wardrobe consist of four different color generic V-neck tees and five similar-looking button-downs from J Crew?

– Do you own exactly four pairs of shoes: a pair of everyday sneakers, a pair of dress shoes, a pair of workout shoes, and a pair of casual bar shoes that you don’t replace until they’re beat to shit?

– Do you own an NBA jersey of a player from the 1990′s that you wear every time you get invited out on your friend’s boat?

– Is your cologne either Davidoff Cool Water or Armani Acqua Di Gio?

– Do you get WAYYY too excited for fantasy football drafts?

– Do you get WAYYY too excited for games in whatever rec league sport you play?

– Do you refer to your favorite sports teams as “we” despite never having played a minute for said teams?

– Do you get into arguments about being able to beat people in things despite never having seen that person do the thing you think you can beat them at?

– Do you tell guys who didn’t go to high school with you that you were All-State in a high school sport, even though you were only All-Conference?

– Do you shout “RAIN DANCE!” every time you shoot a basketball as a tribute to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Along Came Polly?

– Do you watch Gladiator every single time it’s on?

– Do you order chicken parm at 75% of the Italian restaurants you go to?

– Is your idea of a hangover cure a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich and a blue Gatorade?

– Did you just rank the flavors of Gatorade in your head?

– Do you have three Instagram posts a month: a picture of you and your friends/girlfriend at a sporting event with the field/court in the background, a picture of whatever golf course you’re playing that day, and a late-night video of a buddy who’s completely shitfaced?

– Do you tweet at famous people hoping they’ll find your tweet funny and retweet it so you can tell all your friends?

– Do you have a go-to pickup line on Tinder, something along the lines of “Would you rather eat one slice of pizza covered in caterpillars or go to jail for 18 hours?”

– Do you know more pornstars than Supreme Court judges, soccer players, and countries in Africa combined?

– Did you listen to rap throughout middle school and high school, switch to alternative in college, and now just listen to 90′s hits and whatever’s currently on the radio?

– And finally, are you reading this at work right now, because you spend at least 60% of your work day skimming a combination of sports sites and your favorite blogs?

You basic.

[Pic via @murphdawgg33]


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