It’s honestly not that hard to figure out when your girl is doin’ the spread eagle for someone other than you. The only problem I really find is that most men are oblivious to the obvious signs that their girlfriend is cheating, which is all fine and dandy if you like living in ignorant bliss. On the other hand, ignorant bliss doesn’t keep you from contracting the herp from her newly jizz filled cooter, so that’s probably not the best strategy to live by.
1. There is a dick in her mouth, and it’s not yours.
Remember how I said most men are oblivious to obvious hints? Yeah. This would be one of them. I’ve got faith that 85% of you would catch this on the first go-round, but I know it’ll take that “special” 15% a couple run-ins with foreign mouth cock where it doesn’t belong until they catch on. You’re welcome, 15%.
2. You fuck everything up 24/7.
You could be sitting in a chair watching TV on low volume, not saying a word to anyone, making no mess and inconveniencing absolutely no one and she’ll come in and start bitching at you. But what’s there to bitch about? Everything! “Can you please not sit there seriously you’re taking up so much space,” “Stop fucking BREATHING so loud goddamn you sound like an 80-year-old grandma who’s been smoking since birth.” Don’t bother trying to make up for it either, because that’ll just go to shit too. One minute you’ll walk in all smiley-faced with a giant cake that says “I’m sorry :(” and the next you’ll be listening to a tirade of “Ugh I’m not in the mood for chocolate I’d rather have vanilla,” “Ummm the icing letters are smudged could you not be such a clutz.”
3. Land-ho, captain, we’ve reached Bitchtopia!
Not only have you just found out that your breathing habits are apparently the worst thing to ever grace mankind, but your girlfriend’s switched gears from “Hi I’m your girlfriend!” to “Stop talking to me unless you want to be murdered in the not so distant future.” You could say something casual and innocuous, something along the lines of “Hey babe wanna go out for dinner?” and the response will be along the lines of “Being in your presence makes me want to fist myself with a chainsaw.” Maybe that’s not verbatim, but the sudden presence of her foot in your ass will probably get the subtext across.
4. Sex? What sex?
Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention that along with being around Hitler re-incarnate you won’t be parking your beef bus in tuna town anytime soon. Part of the reason is that she’s getting her daily dicking elsewhere (obviously), but the other part? Right now you’re probably the least sexually appealing man she’s ever seen. And yes, before you ask, I’m taking into account Steve Buscemi. It’s not that you caught the ugly overnight, it’s that she’s slowly growing to resent you and will one day kill everything you once loved. Just kidding, she just hates you.
5. She smells like a man.
But not in the fun “I used your Old Spice in the shower because it was the only soap oops!”, more in the “Some other dude’s semen was ALL over me. Forreal. Think of a spot and that’s where it was!” kind of way. Realistically, it’s more likely that she reeks of his cologne or general man-musk and you recognize the stank as something that isn’t yours. You could always try and justify it as “Well maybe some guy just gave her a hug?”, except unless that hug lasted 30 minutes and involved naked people smashing up against each other, she’s probably bangin’ someone else.
6. You’ve either spontaneously become invisible or she’s ignoring you.
There’s two ways you can spin this:
1. Hooray! She’s not bitching at me anymore!
2. Maybe I turned into Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense.
In the case of #1, congrats! You truly find the silver lining in everything and are willing to ignore the giant elephant in the room for the rest of your life as long as no one pops the bubble which is your delusion. For #2 on the other hand, I’m not quite sure why you’d rather be dead and stuck talking to Haley Joel Osment for the rest of your ghost-life, but I suppose it’s better than being for-real dead.
7. She’s more independent than usual.
“Wanna grab dinner?”
“Wanna watch a movie?”
And then she goes and does all that shit by herself. Remember how she used to pack your lunches before work and leave cute little notes in them? Well now you get to die of starvation because she’s only packing her own lunch now. Any couples activities you two used to do ain’t happenin’ no more, so you better get used to wankin’ it discretely in the bathroom again, among other things.
8. She’s started doing her hair and makeup .
It might seem like a blessing at first. No more messy hair buns, she actually puts on mascara and eye liner now, and instead of looking at her and thinking “That is my girlfriend” you’re thinking “Hot damn she doesn’t look like my butthole today.” Unfortunately if she’s breaking out her big girl clothes on the regular and not changing into your crusty ass boxers the minute she walks through the door, there might be a problem.
9. She tells you to GTFO.
This isn’t a euphemism for anything. She straight-up tells you to go away, because fuck off.
10. She talks ambiguously about friends you’ve never met.
Do the names “Sam,” “Andy,” “Brook,” and whatever other stupid unisex names you can think of ring a bell? And she never clarifies whether they’re boys or girls, and of course you can’t ask because, duh, you should be able to tell from the stories she’s told you? Oh wait…every single story involving these people is ambiguous. Think along the lines of “Me and Sam got lunch today”, not “Me and Sam had a raging orgy with Andy and Brook.” So you sit there and fake your smile, and say “That’s great babe, how-” only to be cut off and bitched at about how “No it WASN’T fucking great they burned my steak and you never make steak why the fuck don’t you ever make me dinner.” Back to square one, ladies and gents.
Follow Rebecca Martinson on Twitter —> Follow @becca_martie