Q: Is it a dick move to show your boys the naked pictures your now ex gf would send you? Basically my roommate dated this cunt for two years and she broke shit off with him. Our whole house is tryin to get him to show us them but he says even though he hates this bitch he doesn't want to wrong her. Who's right? Us saying she broke up with him so it's a consequence of her decision to end it or our bro who is being the bigger person and not wanting to degrade her?
A: This is completely unrelated, and maybe it is because I just watched the video online of him performing it last night, but when I read the first line of your question all I could do is sing Bob Seger's Night Moves in my head but I replaced “night” with “dick.” Oddly enough, it was still catchy.
Anyway, now on to things that actually concern you…
Your friend sounds like a stuffy cunt himself, but I am inclined to say it's not dick either way. He must have his reasons if he doesn't want to share that shit with you. It really doesn't matter what they are, because in your head they will not equal a sufficient reason as to why you're not seeing some FLOPPY TIT-TAAAAYS.
Look, for all you know he has grand plans to win this chick back and part of those plans include you not knowing that her vagina looks like a sun-dried prune. Can't hate the guy for that.
All that said, seeing nudes of a chick you actually know is always a good time and I'd probably curb stomp this cocksucker if he withheld that shit from me. Ball's in your court.
Q: Alright so at the end of my freshman year I met this random chick who was about a 7-8. I fucked her once, saw her once more, then college was over. I was talking to her for about a month and started to get feelings for her because she was mad chill. Then suddenly out of fucking no where she just stops talking to me and won't answer my texts. Didn't plan on talking to her ever again but I figured I would ask a third party before i just left my dick out in the sun.
A: Not sure why you'd leave your dick out in the sun — suicide by way of genital skin cancer seems brutally unnecessary — but we'll go with it. And I'll answer this knowing full well that if I blow it, your dick is as good as dead. No pressure, JC. That rapid beating in my chest isn't nervous anxiety, it's just my body's way of telling me I'm about to FUCKING OWN SHIT!
/slams face off locker.
You both were freshmen, right? She's pretty hot, like a 7 or an 8 (we all know she's closer to a 7, if she was an 8 you'd have said she was an 8), which for her high school probably made her closer to a 9 — a lot more talent in college causes local 9s to become universal 7s.
Long story short, she was better than average in high school so chances are she had herself a boyfriend. Maybe they called it quits right before college, but you know what happens about a month into the summer? Sexual boredom. Her ex probably realized going back to old faithful for two months is a thousand times easier than acquiring a new fuckpal. After initial reluctance, she finally caved and decided to “be with him” again. He'll probably drop a crushing blow sometime in August or two weeks after they go back to college for fall that “this isn't working” and at that point she'll probably realize her and her ex are never going to work and come crawling back to you.
Q: So reading this weeks column about if your fiancé reads what you wrote, you said generally yes.
That made me wonder if she has read anything about your philosophy on sharing your number. Has any more sensitive material such as this been brought up by her, or does she know better than to ask?
Also side question: Would you rather be extremely good looking with a micro penis, or be slightly below average looking, but packing extreme heat?
A: Well, I've certainly opened a can of worms sharing that I've gotten engaged, haven't I? I guess it's true what they say, “You sleep in the bed you soiled the night before in a moment of drunken weakness.” Because that's all it was, O.K., Mom? O.K.?!? QUIT PROJECTING ON ME. Fuck.
I don't know how much clearer I can say this, but she knows me. She accepts that I love profanity, golf, pearl jam and that I will likely never be nominated for any kind of humanitarian award. She doesn't know the sordid details of my sex life, but she knows just about everything else about me. I don't know what else to tell you, sometimes you can like a book just for its fucking cover.
As for your second question, I'm going to take moderate attractiveness with absolute bruiser for a dick, a real junk yard dog of a cock. You can always get surgery to look better, but there's not much you can do if you're tiny dick gets self-conscious around toenail clippings.
Hey Bro. Here's something to look at.
“Gaad, I love that” – Ray Zalinski, Me just now.
Q: Alright so I just finished up my sophomore year of college, and I met this awesome chick who I am now dating (yes, i know, fucking dumb of me). I had a girlfriend freshman year who was an absolute smokeshow (sorority girl, unreal in bed, loves sex, etc.), but also a complete dick-munching slut bag. We ended things on a pretty bad note and did not speak at all sophomore year. My current girlfriend knows her and is not her biggest fan to say the least. So the other night I'm drinking with my bros when my phone buzzes and who texts me but ex-bitch. She basically just said hi and wanted to see how I was, and I responded pretty casually. That was really it. My question is, do I tell my girlfriend that my cock-craving ex texted me or is that just going to lead me down a shitty path? Or do I keep it to myself and risk her possibly finding out making it look suspicious? Your input is appreciated.
A: If your answer was casual then you should just keep this in the vault. Hell, even if your answer was “I miss the heat of your hot, post-coital queefs,” you still shouldn't say shit. Nothing is ever gained by telling your current girlfriend that your “cock-craving” ex reached out to “see how you're doing.” That kind of knowledge breeds paranoia and the last thing you want is your girl starting to enforce rules on you or asking if she can rifle through your phone.
Q: Which is more offensive? Masturbating during a job interview or farting out loud during confession?
A: You see, kids, there ARE stupid questions. Obviously, no one is going to whack off during an interview. Although I implore all of you to come dangerously close to ripping your cock off during a phone interview and tell me how it goes.
Q: I've got a doozy here for you. I'm about to be a junior in college, and I'm in a fraternity. I got into a relationship with this chick (we'll call her bartender) at the end of my freshman year. I only got to enjoy a semester of being a brother and the perks it has with women. However, recently this chick (we'll call her Athens) that I met the summer before college has recently come back into the picture.
Here's the rundown of the two chicks (both are in a sorority) Bartender: blonde smokeshow with nice chest puppies, bartender in my college town, fucks like an acrobat, BUT she's batshit fucking crazy, a total bitch, and isn't too bright. Athens: brunette, solid 7.5, wants to be a pharmacist, smart, can cook, BUT goes to a different school.
I don't really want to be with the bartender and would rather be with Athens. However, after almost a year and a half with the bartender, it would seem like a total douche move to just randomly end it and really hurt my credibility around campus. My question(s) is/are, what to do with the bartender? Do I even bother trying to mess around with Athens again? Or just say fuck both of them and just enjoy the remaining could years of college left?
A: Providing me with a rundown, while thoughtful, is completely pointless. You're the only one who needs to care about what these two birds look and act like. Although the fact that Athens isn't at your school is useful because I'm a founding member of the national chapter of Bros Against Long Distance or B.A.L.D. if you're pro-brevity.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
You don't want to be with Bartender Face, right? So why drag it out and sleepwalk through the next few years? No one is going to applaud your stick-to-itiveness; literally none of your bros care about what you do or your actual happiness, they just want you to not be a fucking killjoy when you're around. And this bartender, she probably wants to be with someone who wants to be with her and she, without question, will put a bounty on your head if you dump her ass right after graduation.
Thinking like my idiot self during college I'd probably dump the barkeep and date Athens. Thinking like my current self, I'd realize both options aren't ideal — unless Athens' college is in the same town as yours — and I'd get my single on.
My buddy took this glorious photo this past weekend.
Rest In Peace, 'Timidator.
Q: Ultimatum question of the day: Would you rather fuck a fat chick and have no one ever know about it or would you rather jerk off to fat chick porn and have all your friends know?
A: What we have here ISN'T the “ultimatum question of the day,” but rather, the easiest question I've ever had to answer and not because I love da fatties or that it doesn't require me to ask myself the usual “would I rather die than be ass raped by a man? question you all seem to love asking. Nope. It's easy because if you were a person who has a carnal yearning to fuck fat chicks obviously you'd choose to actually have sex with one and have not have people find out rather than massaging out jizz ropes to BB-DUBS porn and have the whole world know.
This was not even a contest.
Now, everyone point and laugh at the stupid son of a bitch who can't write a proper ultimatum question.
I want more like this!
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