Life
by J. Camm on December 4, 2012

Q: When (if ever) is it bro to take back a cheater? I'm in college and this is my first time in this situation.

 

A: There are a plethora of things you can do with a cheater—fuck her, humiliate her, frame her for a double homicide—but in my opinion you should rarely take her back. At least not immediately, because you have no idea if she’s truly remorseful for shattering your trust and making you look like a chump, or if she’s just sorry because that's the only acceptable emotion to feel.

There are different levels of cheating. Did she do something you can look past, like kiss a guy? Or did she fuck the dude? Also, was he someone you know or just a random guy you never have to put a face and a name to? The answers to all these questions will determine just how sane you'll be if you decide to take her back.

If I were you, I'd give it time. Right now you’re probably experiencing a mixture of unhealthy feelings: You’re pissed, you're embarrassed, yet, somehow you kind of want her back because it burns to know that she chose someone else over you. Eventually, if you have balls under your dick, you’ll realize she isn’t worth how hard it will be to trust her again and you’ll move on. Or you won’t and you’ll take her back, but you shouldn't do that before you make her sweat.

Look, you're in college, this girl is likely not going to be your bride so better to learn now that A) She's a bargain bin whore and B) You're not as bulletproof from this sort of shit as you may have thought.

Q: Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck?

 

A: We're doing this? We're really asking Reddit AMA questions? Okay…

Easily 100 duck-sized horses. For the most part, horses do the brunt of their damage using their hind legs. A full-sized horse could fuck up your shit, don’t get me wrong, but the best a duck-sized horse could do is kick your shins, which isn’t the end of the world. Although I know a good shin kicking can be wildly unpleasant thanks to a few ornery girls in middle school — not my fault you're in the itty bitty titty committee, bitch!

Aside from throwing me off my game with it's astonishing mutation, a big ass duck is also a more formidable opponent; I could curb stomp and punt 100 tiny horses, no sweat, but a horse-sized duck would require weaponry. And if I don't have said weaponry….That's where the pants-shitting comes in.

Here's a nightmare for the rest of you to ponder: Would you rather fight 100 cockroach-sized rattlesnakes or one rattlesnake-sized cockroach? Whoa! If I actually had that dream, my arm would subconsciously grab the knife from my nightstand, mid-sleep, and start stabbing the air frantically, which would likely be a perilous scenario for my girlfriend. 

Let take a brief break to watch the video I can’t stop watching this week…

…And the one that is coming in a close second

Q: Backstory: There's this dude. We've always been friends, we went out on a couple of dates around this time last year and hooked up for about 5 months. Things got a little sour, we stopped hooking up, he had some personal shit he was trying to figure out and we both were not ready for a relationship, yadda yadda.

We still hang out, I see him all the time and the sexual tension is off the charts. We haven't hooked up in almost 5 months. My primal instinct is to show up at this dude's house in a trench coat and lingerie and fuck his brains out. The only thing stopping me is that I get jealous when he hits on other chicks at the bar or I hear about him being with other chicks. I guess it is safe to say that I can't just have casual, friends with benefits sex with this dude anymore but I don't have time to try to have some intense ass relationship (I'm in my senior year of college and trying to get everything together to graduate). He is also a really good friend, I don't want to pressure him into anything, and I would hate to lose him. I don't necessarily want to take him or me off the market, but I can't fade the jealousy. I guess in a perfect world, we would be dating but I ain't gonna lie, I do miss the sex. I've hooked up with other dudes in these 5 months, but I can't get this one out of my head.

So, am I being too much of a fucking female and expecting too much from this dude? Should I just say fuck it and go back to fucking him and pretending like he may or may not be trying to get some ass when we aren't together or am I just setting myself up to get hurt and it’s not worth it? I need dude advice on this one. All of my girl friends are in beautiful, perfect relationships and they think men should bow down to women and shower them with love and affection 24/7 and they think I'm being retarded and should move on.

 

A: So you want to fuck this guy again, right? Then do it, because he has no idea about these “expectations” you have or the fact that you get jealous when he waggles his dick into other girls. Also, that’s kind of a hypocritical stance seeing as how you’re not together and you’ve been getting yours during this five-month lay off.

Here's the thing, though: I don’t think you should expect him to suddenly want to be your boyfriend, now or ever. If a guy really likes a girl he generally, without hesitation, goes for broke trying to be with her. He doesn’t make up an excuse about having personal shit to deal with or mill around for five months railing other chicks waiting for her to make the move.

Q: Mildly embarrassed about this but whatever. I've had a bad experience or two with receiving head in the past and it's honestly ruined the whole thing for me. I just don't get excited about it. It doesn't do anything for me. Sadly my current lady friend loves giving head, and I feel like I'm disappointing her/making her angry because I don't enjoy it. Is there anything i can do to fix my problem?

 

A: Mildly impossible to help you when I have no idea what happened that turned you off to being fellated. But I’ll blindly answer this and say… Next time you get blown, make sure it’s not near an open flame.

Q: True or false: Every rule on an airplane is meaningless?

 

A: Kind of true and I've been burning on this for a while. In fact, my recent flight home for Thanksgiving pushed me over the edge. I lost it. I fucking snapped. And by that I mean, I quietly mentioned this to my brother-in-law because flying is a fucking privilege apparently and acting out-of-line on an airplane gets you into a whole heap-a-shit or onto the dreaded no-fly list. Interestingly enough, that kind of no tolerance for anyone's bullshit might be the only safety rule I don't have a problem with. So well played, FAA.

Airports and airplanes are chock full of annoying people, things and sounds. (Why must my eardrum blow every time the pilot gets on the intercom while I'm trying to watch TV on a JetBlue flight? How have we not remediated this problem yet?) But nothing irritates the shit out of me like the rules once you enter the actual aircraft. Every one, EVERY GODDAMN ONE, is nonsense. The worst culprit of them all is this:

“Return your seat to the upright and locked position”

I’m all for uniformity and avoiding chaos at thirty-thousand feet, but am I to really believe those 4-inches are saving lives? Are you telling me that when shit hits the fan, and our final destination just changed from Kansas City to Casketville, that having my seat at a 90 degree angle is going to save my life? Get the fuck out of here. If the plane is going down it's not going to matter if my seat is there or if I'm doing backflips down the aisle like Mary Lou Retton. As far as I'm concerned, at that juncture, it's Hospice time: It's time to say goodbye in the little comfort this torture device you call a seat allows us.

But I'll tell you what, that rule is no better than the cellphone and electronics rule, which I break religiously and, yet, I still haven’t taken down an airplane. Go figure. And how about the “all carry-on items must be stowed neatly in the over head compartment or underneath the seat in front of you” bullshit dance? O.K., so the overhead compartment part of that makes total sense, but if my laptop bag is jutting out a little from under the seat don't come and pester me. Just shut your mouth, you son of a bitch. Because there's a lady ten rows back holding a 30lb infant on her lap and I'm willing to bet the odds of that kid becoming a human missile are about a thousand times greater than my laptop bag removing itself from between my feet or breaching my thighs and becoming a danger to the cabin.

Oh, and you know what? I'll stop flushing hand towels in the toilet on the day you provide me with a reasonable sized space to grunt out a loaf and a toilet that doesn't break the sound barrier every time it's flushed.

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