Happy Halloween, suckers. Today is one day where a girl can dress like a slut and no one can say anything about it. Also, egregious candy consumption is encouraged. Great holiday, right? Well, not so fast. There’s an ethical Bro quandary that much be addressed before the fun can begin.
Is it acceptable for an adult male to dress up for Halloween? Let’s argue about it, shall we?
Reggie Noble: When I was a kid, there was no better day during the school year than Halloween. You got to put on a costume and see how you stacked up against the other snot-nosed kids in your class. My family, misguided as it may seem, took this as an opportunity to bring honor to the Noble family. Both my parents spent a ton of time making sure I had a badass outfit. God, attention was important to me back then.
But as I grew older, the urge to not only think of something to wear, but also execute that look, dwindled considerably. Candy was the end game. I realized my parents would just buy me candy if I wanted. Wandering the neighborhood sounded really lame and childish, so I stopped going door-to-door at age 11. I was over it.
Halloween was a non-event until girls started showing some skin a few years later. This made participation appealing again. After a few years of dressing up, though, I had another epiphany. They were going to be a slutty whatever no matter what I wore, so why put in the effort? I am nothing if not exceedingly lazy.
Now, J.Camm will tell you that there is no situation in which he’d put on a Halloween costume. I think that’s closed-minded. It is perfectly acceptable to participate in this manner, but there are some ground rules.
First off, there is no reason to go over-the-top. Wearing a “Hello My Name Is” tag with a name other than yours is great. That’s a costume. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. If you’re spending five hours to put together a perceived brilliant look, you’re only wasting your time.
Secondly, the main goal in dressing up should be getting laid. If you dress up and strike out, that’s a terrible effort. Wearing a costume gives you a built-in conversation starter. You MUST capitalize. Otherwise you not only look ridiculous, you cement your legacy as a hopeless sap.
And finally, if you do dress up, you must not under any circumstances, judge your fellow Bros who didn’t join you in this show of celebration. It shouldn’t matter to you that they are cutting through the bullshit and just having a good time. Candidly, the only reason I dress up now is because I’m forced to by my wife. If she were to, uh, have an unfortunate accident, you can bet your sweet as I’d live a costume-less existence for the rest of my waking days.
The point is, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes you have to put on ridiculous shit to avoid other, bigger problems. Like an angry mate. That can hurt you.
J.Camm: In spite of it all -- the bags delicious candy, the mischief and unfounded vandalism, the whorish garb I love seeing so much -- Halloween is my least favorite holiday of the year. I don't know why this hatred began living inside me, but it's a cross I bare and can't seem to shake, no matter how hard I try to enjoy it. In the last 10 years I've dressed up twice, both times against my will, and each time I was told "that is the worst excuse for a costume I've ever seen." Apparently shaving your facial hair into a ridiculous pattern, putting on a cowboy hat, and wearing a "Property of Jesus" T-shirt doesn't equal a costume.
The real dick of it is that I'm fucked in the fucking head when it comes to Halloween. An event had to trigger this disdain during my childhood, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it was that made me abhor it so passionately. I mean, something is fundamentally fucked with you if you can't even eat dinner while watching the Halloween episode of "Modern Family" without holding back vomit.
That said, of course it's O.K. for a Bro to dress up, at any age. There's tons of slimy, wet puss disguised as slutty nurses out at bars looking to get annihilated. And I champion that annihilation, although for some reason I resist partaking in it most years. But when I do, I enjoy the moment and then the next day I say "never again" as if it wasn't fun as shit.
So yes, it's fine to dress up for Halloween when you're older, just not if you're me and not if you intend to actually gather candy.