Life
by Fitz E Fresh on April 11, 2014

Couples-Retreat-18

Submit your Ask a Babe questions below.

Q: Babe, I’ve been thinking about utilizing a few local hot yoga spots to show off the Spring Break bod and hopefully pick up one or more lady friends. Thoughts?

A: Thoughts are, yeah. Fuck yeah. As a weekly yogi myself, it gives me a great amount of pleasure to witness some babe-alicious dude showing off his chaturanga while checking out my downward dog.

That’s right. I can hold this position all, day, long.

I know it’s really not supposed to be, but sometimes yoga can be a wildly sexual experience. Everybody is getting in touch with their body and emotions, moving in a synchronized fashion and throwing their legs and butts up in the air.

It’s just great.

And apparently I’m not the only one who feels that way, as I recently stumbled across a naked yoga class here in the city.

Which is taking it a bit too far if you ask me. But hey; maybe you’re into that.

Anyways my only hesitation for jumping into a Bikram program is assessing how much you sweat when cooked to a certain temperature. If you’re anticipating dripping body rain on or around the chicks next to you, I’d at least start with regular temp vinyasa.

Go forth and enjoy your journey, young grasshopper.

Namaste.

Q: Hi Babe, My question to you is less about me and much more to do with you. Not knowing the answer to it has left me restless. My ignorance to it pains me, and I often find myself pondering it as I gaze out of my dorm room window.

So without further adieu, how many of the Brobible writers’ dicks have you received?

A: Less than half as many as that sweet mother of yours.

Next.

Q: Kill, Fuck, Marry: Bluto, Flounder, Otter. Go.

A: In order to properly prepare myself for this question, I performed the following google searches (knowing good and fucking well who Flounder is):

1. Bluto
Search results overwhelmingly yielded some cartoon guy who looks like Popeyes less sexy cousin. Noted.

2. Otter
This search was much less fruitful than the first, resulting only in calling all my coworkers to my desk to bear witness to the god damn adorable animals scattered across my screen. Did you know otters sleep holding hands so they don’t drift apart? Heart-wrenching shit.

Needless to say I didn’t gather the necessary data here, so I’m going to leave his character entirely up to my own imagination.
In which case, my answers would be as follows:

Kill: otter. Because I don’t know who the fuck that guy is and therefore have zero vested interest in the relationship.

Fuck: Bluto, obviously. The guy clearly works out 5-7 days a week and has some inherent rage that I think would manifest itself quite beneficially in a bedroom situation. Conversation would be kept to a minimum before saying our goodbyes.

Marry: flounder, of course. He’s loyal, spirited, good looking for a fish (? I don’t know.) And costar in one of my all-time favorite feature films.

Living eternally under the sea? Why not.

Having an in to becoming BFF with Ariel is of course a huge upside.

[J.Camm's Note: Well, that was just embarrassing... How much credibility does Fitz E. Fresh lose for a) not knowing these are characters from Animal House and b) then searching for them on Google only to come up with answers that are hilariously wrong? I'd have to imagine the answer to that is A LOT.] 

Q: So I got out of class at one (religion class that I mainly spend cruising BroBible and occasionally visiting egotastic for some celeb nudies) and it got me thinking. I was super horny and I have lacrosse practice in an hour and a half and class at one fifteen.

Do I marinade my meat sauce in the bathroom stall where A) I will constantly see people’s feet walk through to take a piss B) shellack my shillelagh standing up or awkwardly sitting down with a boner or C) be forced to go through this day until I can tangle my trouser snake on my own time…? In dire need of your help babe. Also is this acceptable/appropriate behavior of a senior in college and do girls also partake in flicking their bean on school time? Cause this is the first time I’ve been in a pickle thinking about pickling my cucumber.

A: Listen, guy. As an open-minded, well-educated female positioned at the forefront of your suffering sex lives (#dickproblems) I try not to judge. But seriously? You’re asking me not just if you should jerk off essentially in public, but how.

You know what every girls reaction to that would be? In a word, “gross”.

I understand that as a dude your emotions and actions are more animal than human so sometimes you can’t help but play with your dick at any given time. We’re all aware of that. And I also know, unfortunately, that circumstances do arise where you apes just can’t help yourself and jerk off at work/school/dinner/miscellaneous other inappropriate locations.

But don’t fucking talk about it; and certainly don’t ask our opinions on it. Because as much as you’d like to add the vision to your lunch break spank bank (say that ten times fast), we are god damn LADIES. With emotions we can CONTROL.

So we wait until we get home to the comfort of our own beds, where we utilize whichever resource is available; synthetic or real.

Q: Sup babe, when you enter a room/any new area what do you notice first?

How can a guy make himself stand out/look appealing to you at the time? Any solid advice would be chill.

A: First and foremost, be hot.

Secondly, don’t be wearing a wife beater or pooka shell necklace.

Third, maintain your brotio. Don’t roll up with twelve other dudes looking like a bunch of insecure dorks. Select four of your most attractive and charming friends, and enter the party with then by your side;confidently giving off an air of, “I’m fucking cool and so are these guys with me.”

Finally, don’t stand in a corner questioning if you should go talk to that cute girl.

J, F, D.

Just fucking do it.

Submit your Ask a Babe questions below.

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