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Q: I've read quite a lot of your bro-dilemmas and perhaps at first the following question answers itself, because it falls in line with 'the morning after' dilemma. Any self-respecting, semi-knowledgeable bro does the decent thing and bails as quick as he can pull his pants back on! Now, I understand this is the best thing to do after banging a stranger and ordinarily I'd GTFO quick as I can, it obviously avoids the awkward morning talk, possibly having to converse with her less than approving housemates.... the list goes on. There are, however, some situations where I've found myself falling asleep afterwards. This could be because of many completely irrelevant reasons, I'd probably pin most of them on me just being absolutely shitfaced!!
Now I put it to you, at what point is it OK to wake up and go for a second helping!? I mean, I am never in a situation to deliberate what is the best thing to do at the time, for god sake I'm lying next to a naked broad and I've got a morning rager, not to mention I'm probably still half-cut from the night before! In that situation at that time there seems to be only one option.
As awkward as the morning talk or any of that other rubbish can be if you've accidentally stayed over, going for round two and failing can be the ruin of an otherwise successful evening and leave that seemingly impenetrable confidence of a man that just got his dick wet shattered and that stride of pride is going to definitely feel like the unspeakable 'walk of shame'!
Please enlighten me as to when it is cool to go for round two and when I should just grab my shit and get out of there as quickly as I can!
A: Am I a fan of second helping sex in the morning? You bet your dick I am. I would say sixty-percent of the drunk random hook ups I’ve had throughout the years, I woke up the next morning with little more than a vague memory of what happened the night before. And that’s a terrible way to go through life: knowing you’ve accomplished your object, but unable to remember it. In fact, I don’t remember any of the times I fucked this one girl who I used to drunkenly bang regularly. And I live with that heavy regret every day.
The determining factor for me was always her willingness to get close in the morning. Did she want to cuddle or was she so upset with herself that she just avoided all contact? If she is curled up in the corner, not facing you, it’s probably safe to conclude you’re not getting back inside that anytime soon. Also, I always found it to be best if you forgo any talking and just go right for it. Once the awkward sober talk starts it’s hard to move past that. If she comes close, throw your fist down her pants, pull the choke, and get her primed for round two.
Of course, the one downside of this is you or the girl obviously has to stay the night and anyone who’s ever woken up next to an unholy beast will tell you that you might be better off thinking you fucked a hard 7 than finding out she was a soft 2. So there's that.
Q: O.K., so we all know the standard etiquette for urinal use in bathrooms. Always go to the one farthest from the next guy. My question is if there is 3 urinals in the bathroom and the farthest one is taken, BUT the one 2 away from him is one made for an infant bro. Do you take the short as shit mini urinal, or man up and pee next to the bro to your right in a standard urinal?????
Also would you rather actually have sex with a horrible whale and no one knows, or not slay the whale but everyone in the world is convinced you did and is horribly disgusted?
A: When I walk into a men’s room I obviously dart for the urinal farthest away from the next motherfucker, because motherfuckers be dirty. But if there is a partition and I’m not wearing flip-flops, I don’t really mind taking a piss next to someone else (save for a 7ft. tall homosexual with a wandering eye and a penchant for 5’ 11” guys with average sized cocks). And the reason I mention flip-flops is because if anyone’s rogue urine is going to hit my feet, it’s going to be mine.
However, you do bring up a good question with the short pisser and I may be in the minority but I don’t hate the short john. For one, my dick naturally hangs in the direction of the floor, so shooting down is no issue for me. And second, using a kid-sized piss catcher sure beats standing next to a 7ft tall homosexual with a curious eye and an affinity for painstakingly handsome men such as myself.
As for your second question... I slay the whale, harvest the blubber, found a soap company, and bury what’s left of her in a roadside ditch leaving no one the wiser. I mean, you said no one will ever find out so I should probably kill her and start a cosmetics empire.
Q: So I am in high school and just got my license. My long time neighbors decided to give me a car in great condition, for free. I realize this is a free car and I am gracious as can be but it is a PT Cruiser. Is there anything I can do to not make me seem like a complete clown.
A: Might as well buy some makeup and the red nose to match, because you’re fucked. There is literally no way to unfuck your situation. Yeah, you should be grateful that you even have a car, but it’s a miniature hearse for Christ’s sake. And do you know what it’s carrying? Your dead social life. May it rest in peace.
Q: My ex girlfriend and I have been broken up for a couple years but have still been hooking up. At this point I'm looking to move permanently on to bigger and better (or skinnier and sexier) things. The problem is that we've been "together" for so long that she has become friends with all of my friends (girls and guys) and any attempts I have made to stay away get fucked when she is hanging out with them. I have no problem telling my guy friends to ditch her but she's always around and I can't get away from her. She's a little crazy so telling her to fuck off doesn't necessarily work...
A: Based on your .edu email address I'm guessing you're still in college -- I know, I know. How I didn't become a detective astonishes even me. Being in college doesn't make this situation suck any less, I'd argue it makes it suck more, but summer break is almost here and college will end someday. Both those things mean loaves worth of good shit for you.
My advice is this: Tough it out until finals are over and then sever all contact during the summer. When she lectures you about how she couldn't believe that you did that -- because that talk will eventually come around three awkward weeks into the fall semester -- just be straight and say to her, "Look, whore, we broke up over two years ago, I didn't think I had to check in with you." Then pretned that her unreasonable complaint has you fuckin' charged. I mean, act really annoyed and offended. "In fact, it's not fair to either of us to keep holding onto something that isn't going anywhere. And I shouldn't have to feel guilty when we're not even together. I'm done with this."
That will temporarily destroy her, but it has to be said for you to move on and hopefully for her to get the point. There is no stopping her from hanging out with your friends after this all goes down, but you potentially being there might be deterrent enough.
Q: So my girlfriend and I went on a break last week, and I have been admittedly devastated. Entering into the weekend last week, I tried to say I love you and was told let's not say that right now. Acceptable, I suppose, but nevertheless hard to hear. Therefore, I proceeded to get blacked out, and I made out with some unattractive broad. A few people know about it, and I'm freaking out a little. I want to be back with my girlfriend, but knowing her I feel like this will ruin any chance of that. Should I tell her, or take my chances with not. General advice needed. Oh yeah, she is abroad.
A: Slow you're roll, Kimosabe. You can't just throw that "oh yeah" kicker at my face and not expect me to inform you that her actions, coupled with the fact that she is abroad means one of two things: she doesn't trust you while she's gone, or some foreigner is sliding his greasy cock into her as we speak. All the signs literally point to that: the break up out of left field, the no more "I love yous," and the fact that she is ABROAD!!!
Your relationship may be salvageable when she comes back, but it's best if you take a page from the military in 1993 and introduce a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy for this entire semester.
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[One-night stand image via ShutterStock]