The story begins last summer, my roommate and I had just passed our personal trainers exams and went to happy hour to celebrate. After drinking a few pitchers I decided to make my way to my favorite college bar in town. Upon arrival I see a girl who had been in one of my classes the previous semester, so naturally I struck up a conversation with her. A few hours passed and with the drinks pouring through my system I went and found her. When I approached her she licked my face and it turned into a full on make out in the center of the packed bar. Knowing what was in store I flashed my car keys and we were on our way.

After walking for what seemed like forever we come across an elevator on the outside of the college of music. I pull her into the elevator and we start going at it. This wasn't just hike up the skirt public hookup, this was butt ass naked on the dirty ground sex. In the course of her riding me we feel the elevator start to move, in a drunken panic we grab our clothes and awkwardly run out of the elevator as a local security guard awkwardly stares. We get to my car and she drives me home. Upon arrival to my house she immediately jumps into my bed. Hoping for some shower sex I demand she gets in the shower to get off whatever god forsaken things inhabit the floor of a 60 year old elevator.

Upon entry into the shower she asks me to pee on her. In my state of intoxication I oblige and begin giving her a golden shower while she is on her knees. After finishing up in the shower we went to my bed and finished up what we started ultimately culminating in me giving her a facial. The next morning I had a philanthropy event to be at and needed to pick up some people. I, of course, pick everyone else up first before dropping her off so they could see my previous nights prize. Upon arrival to her house she flings the door handle open and starts quickly walking out of my car out of embarrassment. To this day she still won't speak to me, but hey, I got to have sex in an elevator, completely worth it.

Funny that the elevator sex, and not the part about urinating on HER FACE, was what he deems “worth it.” NEXT!

Alright so this story comes from my first semester freshmen year. It’s a typical Saturday, wake up, masturbate, and start my day. But this weekend is special because my bro, let’s call him Megashark(don’t ask) tells me his friends from home are coming to visit for the night. Needless to say, I’m stoked. We have a hockey game at 4 and we get our first win of the season, so we get even more stoked for the night. Anyway, my boy Megashark's friends show up and it’s a dude, babyface, a blonde, a brunette, and this smokin' latina.

Now the fun starts, we start pre-gamin by playing Kings with rum and cokes and four lokos. After playing this and sluggin' back diesel gasoline, lokos, we decide to head out to the hockey house and take some parting shots in the room. We walk over and I’m already pretty sauced and when we open the door we're greeted by a bunch of bros and a table full of shot glasses and a handle of captain. Thing is, the handle had been in the freezer for a while so it was like semi-slushy shots which were fucking gross. I digress, I take 4 more shots, take a piss, and that’s all i remember until the sex picnic.

The rest of the story is from multiple accounts from my friends and everyone involved.

After I took a piss I take about 7 more shots, and we all go outside to smoke a boge. and as we were out there one of the kids who owns the house, bitch face, just looks at the brunette and says “he looks like mac miller(me), you two should make-out” and we just start goin at it. he then points at the latina and Megashark and says they should make-out, they do. Then babyface and blondie decide to start makin out. As I’m makin out with this girl I lost my balance and straight up fell into this girl and she rocked her dome on this fucking glass table. But this girl gets over it and we makeout more. The latina goes to push my friend up against a railing but WHOOPS there's no railing and she ended up pushing him down a fucking flight of stairs, he brushes it off somehow and is completely fine. Then we decide to head over to the baseball house. I come in
and see my friend with huge sweater cannons and just yell at her to show me her tits, she thought it was hilarious…but her boyfriend didn’t. But he didn’t hit me cause he was already about to beat the shit out of some other kid for talkin to her, close one.

Later, my boy megashark is puking on the side of the house and looks over and I’m 20 feet away in-between some houses with my hands on my knees projectile vomiting all over the grass. At this point we decide to walk back to megasharks room, who doesn’t have a roommate so he has an extra bed, SCORE. As soon as we enter the room me and the brunette start going at it and end up on the floor. Babyface is with the girl on the extra bed getting his dome-piece shmopped, megashark is in his bed getting this latina all hot n bothered and I’m on the floor slamming this chick. Megashark witnesses me going to absolute town on her and started throwing condoms at me, which he tried putting on but whiskey dick was stopping him so he decided to throw them at me. Good guy, great morals. But this girl ends up on top of me and is riding me like seabiscuit and i just let out a really loud “oh YEAH” and smack this girls ass so hard, which my friends still laugh at me for. I end up finishing, the only thing i remember before passing out. Megashark fucked this smokin latina, and babyface got head in the other bed all in a tiny ass dorm room. Best night of my entire life and only sex picnic I’ve been involved in.

Sidenote: I ended up getting wasted with my dad last summer at a casino and told him this story and ended it with high fives and bro hugs.

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[Woman showering image via ShutterStock]