We're a couple hours late with this today, but better late than never, right? Submit your Hook-Up Heroes stories here (With Hook-Up Heroes in the subject line) and if you didn't see yours up this week check back next Wednesday.
I'll let this first bout of love in a hopeless place speak for itself. Enjoy.
It was the last week of summer and a few of my boys and I decided to go to a 3 day music festival that features all Canadian bands. I'm usually not into sh*tty Canadian rock music, but I decided that this would be a prime opportunity to get completely sh*t-housed before I started my final year at Uni.
We arrive at the campsite where the festival is taking place and I immediately notice two sl*ts eying me from their tent while smoking a J. Since I was with my boys, I decided that it would be best to crush a some beers before I try to slay some puss.
Fast forward 4 hours and me and my boys are completely f*cked; one buddy is passed out in a pile of his own vomit, another is showing his hammer to a group of unknown broads, and I'm starting to fiend some random p*ssy. I start walking with the only other bro that is still conscious and clothed and we start looking for some chicks to ransack.
Enter random chick 1 and random chick 2.
As soon as I see these sl*ts, I could see their eyes widen like a young boy seeing his first set of boobs. We start talking about how f*cking awesome me and my boys are, and how mangled we have gotten when an instant stroke of genius hits me: "Why the f*ck am I talking to these broads when I could be f*cking them?" I stop the small talk and motion for Chick 1 to follow me to a more secluded area. She takes the bait and within seconds her tongue is tickling the back of my throat and she is grabbing my horn. Since this girl is obviously ready to f*ck, I look around to scope out a nice and classy location. Since my tent was 200 feet away, I decided that it was too far to go to and we would have to find another area to bang. I look around and I see a row of Port-a-Potties / sh*t shacks / portable pissers and decide I'm going to bang this sl*t inside one.
I take her by the hand, throw open the door and she gladly follows me inside. Since I'm not a complete f*cking idiot, I strap on a rubber and start f*cking the brains out of this broad in a cramped, sh*tty, portable bathroom. The entire time I am getting my dick wet, I am laughing to myself how f*cking ridiculous this entire situation is, and then begin laughing out loud when I noticed she was bent over the urinal, probably inhaling some deadly fumes.
Finally, I somehow nutted and immediately dashed back to the tent to tell my boys of the legendary sh*t shack p*ssy pounding, while leaving Chick 1 by herself (in the dumper) to probably question her entire existence.
The next day, I noticed that her tent was packed up and she was no longer at the camp site, but the disgraceful acts that I performed on her will no doubt be with her forever. I still wonder if she went home and kissed her dad after all of that.
This is exactly how I want the last episode of "How I Met Your Mother" to end. Only Ted sticks around after the whole port-a-sh*tter love-fest. Next!
It was my junior year of college, and I kept noticing a hottie on the bus to-and-from campus. I knew she lived near me, but I knew nothing about her. I am not the type to cold-approach a girl on a bus, so I let it be. A few months later, I’m at a friend’s party watching two beer pong teams get heated during a match. When the game was over, the losing team continued to talk shit and was visibly angry.
Turns out the hottie from the bus was friends with the losers, and I was friends with the winners. We (the hottie and I) are trying to calm him down, but there’s nothing that can be done. He suddenly says, “hold my beer,” hands the beer to the hottie, then runs, dives and punches one of my friends in the face. Unfortunately, the momentum propels them THROUGH a double-paned sliding glass door. Luckily neither of them was that hurt, except my friend couldn’t smell for like a week. Hottie and I became acquaintances/friends, but nothing more.
Fast forward to the next Halloween, and I’m dressed as a security guard. I walk into a big house party and everyone collectively sh*ts their pants, thinking I’m a cop (even though it looked nothing like a police officer’s uniform, musta been the booze.) I’m pretty hammered already, and I see the hottie who I’m now “friends” with. For whatever reason, we start reminiscing about the punch. We’re a few feet away from a couch, and she tackles me onto the couch, reenacting the punch. At that moment, I can see the “I want your P in my V” look in her eyes. And like a prayer answered from the heavens, my friend starts chanting, “kiss him, kiss him, kiss him.” I could tell she was hesitant (remember this for later,) but we begin to make out.
A few minutes later, I hear “COPS!!!” and people begin to scurry. I was 21 at the time, but she was not, so we dip out a bedroom window and begin walking. At this point, she starts blatantly talking about how horny she is, complaining, as if d*ck was her water, and she was dying of dehydration.
We end up at my place and head straight to the bedroom. She immediately takes my pants off and she pulls her jeans partially down, making it really impossible to get full access to her crotch. She hops on top of me in a squatting position, but her v*gina is between my belly button and my chest, not quite in the optimal penetration position. We’re making out, and she is going to town on my penis with her hands, but I keep aiming it towards her crotch. With some stretching, I hit pay-dirt, and she starts moaning and telling me to slap her ass, etc… but then she suddenly says, “no, we can’t do that, if we haven’t even had normal sex yet.” Turns out that due to the odd position, I went straight into her ass and was too drunk to notice anything was different. I end up ass f*cking her and finishing inside her. The whole time she was saying how she’s a “good girl” and how she shouldn’t, but her moaning, screaming, etc certainly were indicating otherwise
I pass out, and in the morning we talk for a bit, exchange numbers, and she takes off. She texts me that night to let me know that she has a boyfriend who goes to school about 100 miles from the school we go to… If you’re reading this, dude that’s dating a total sl*t, I’m sorry for ass f*cking your girlfriend.
Click below for the next two stories