Q: Dear Almighty Babe,
I know the following question makes me look like a huge pussy, however I need the advice of a beautiful babe such as yourself. I'm a high school bro, and my school’s homecoming is in about a month. I am currently into one of our school’s cheerleaders and was invited to go to homecoming with the cheerleaders’ group. Not by the babe I am trying to fuck (Babe 1) but by one of the other cheerleading babes. Babe 1 has shown interest in me but nothing major and today one of her friends said I should ask another cheerleader (who is not as hot) and Babe 1 went along with them. So, my question is should I waste my time asking Babe 1 to go as my date or just go for one of the other, less attractive cheerleaders?
A: While I do like to encourage my readership to reach for the stars, I never like to see you reach so far that you fall off the ladder onto the top of the tree and end up looking like a jackass in front of the whole Christmas party. So. With that said, you sort of have to take the hand you've been dealt here. Cheerbitch #1 has her eye on the quarterback and will probably have him as escort eye candy to this event.
Yep, regardless of the fact that he has a tiny dick which he'd rather use with dudes in the locker room. I haven't been to high school in a while, thankfully, but I'm pretty positive these stereotypes still play out to plan.
So back to Cheerbitch #2: she's into you. And even if her boobs aren't as perky and her fake blonde hair is a little faker than the rest of the squad, if you wanna get laid this is how it's happening. It's high school. Just play by the fucking rules.
And for the record, you don't sound like a pussy. You sound like the main character in the modern day adaptation of Varsity Blues.
Q: So during college orientation (I was a leader) I had this chill girl in my small group and we talked here and there. I invited her out to places every once in a while, and the other day she hits me up to smoke and I agree. While talking to her about different things that we're both interested in, she said something about getting more attention from guys and how she's rejected two guys already. What does that even mean? Do I even have a shot or is she telling me indirectly to back off?
A: I actually don't think she's telling you to back off. Instead, I think she's telling you how fucking cool she is despite being a freshman. You may know otherwise, but she's putting out the vibe that it's going to be vaguely difficult to get into her pants once you inevitably attempt to unzip them. It's a scare tactic, but also a sort of foreplay. Mainly, it's a mindfuck.
But ultimately you're at an advantage here—you're the goddamn upperclassman, so start acting like it. If you're still unsure, just keep sampling the waters. If the next time you hang out she chooses to divulge the details of her most recent hookup with that cool SAE junior …her “coolness” has surpassed you and it's time to seek out a new set of freshman boobs to grab onto.
Q: Recently, I've been having sex dreams about my ex-boyfriend even though we haven't dated in almost six months and I'm dating someone new. What does this mean? Am I not over him yet? Am I just bored?
A: Don't fret now lady friend. Are you bored? It's possible. At the peak of your sexual prowess? Definitely. It's natural, and I won't fault you for it. In fact you should be proud of your fantasies—and use that energy to ravage your current boyfriend in your waking hours. If your true feelings are directed toward your current mancandy then you're without a problem.
As for the dreams, your body is probably just experiencing sexual withdrawal. Your vagina is all like, “I wonder what my ex-boyfriends dick is up to right now? I did sort of like it.” Meanwhile, your vagina hasn't spoken with your brain, which is the one that remembers what a boring shithead your ex- was outside of the sack. As long as it's only in your dreams, and isn't happening every night, it's harmless. God knows what your pervert boyfriend is dreaming about, much less watching when you're not around. It goes both ways—so don't worry your sexual little head about it.
[Sleeping couple image via Shutterstock]