Women and sports; they don’t really mix. The WNBA? Come on. If I wanted to kill myself, I’d choose something less painful, like death by Jack Bauer. Anna Kournikova is walking proof that the whole idea is a joke. She became infinitely more famous because she’s fuckable. Her fuck awful playing just got her noticed by the masses. The Williams’ sisters don’t count, because they’re really men. Have you seen the size of their shoulders? Yikes. They’re the female, tennis playing equivalent of Dwight Howard. Getting back to Anna Kournikova though, because she’s much more important. She might be horrible at sports herself, but could she make you better at them?
That’s what Ronda Rousey claims anyway. In case you didn’t know, Ronda Rousey is a women’s MMA fighter. Yes, that actually exists, and yes, that might be the only women’s sport worth watching. Beach volleyball does not count, because nobody watches it for the competition. According to Rousey though, having sex (with anyone, not just Anna Kournikova) helps her win her matches. She claims that it, “raises your testosterone.” What? Women have testosterone Dammit, that just sounds gross. Men better not have estrogen. If we do, just don’t even tell me, because I don’t want to know.
Rousey also says that she tries, “to have as much sex as possible before I fight.” So, we here at BroBible wanted to get to the bottom of her claim, naturally. We called in the Mythbusters, and after extremely complicated scientific calculations, we discovered that Rousey is 6-0. It works! Not only is she undefeated, but she’s won all her matches by first round knockout. My friends, we have discovered legal steroids. Take that Barry Bonds, you shriveled-nutted, big headed, cheater!
Don’t get any smart ideas about Rousey though guys. She specifically said that she does not put out sex wanted ads on Craigslist; so don’t go looking for them. Where you will be able to find her, though? In the UFC. She’s the first woman to ever be signed. Having sex before playing a sport has lead this woman to achieve something nobody believed would ever happen. Let that sink in for a bit. Sex did that. Breaking in walls to break down walls. Man that’s deep (that’s what she said.)
You must be asking yourself, why does this matter to me? A bunch of limp-dicked scientists already concluded that sex doesn’t help men win in sports (it also doesn't hurt them), though they acknowledge that they haven’t done the same study for women. What if they’re wrong though? I mean, it’s not like the world’s most “brilliant” minds have ever been wrong. We all know the sun revolves around the Earth, and people used to ride dinosaurs to work. Am-I-right? Apparently soccer players think I am. The Argentinean World Cup team was told they were allowed (allowed? Suck it coach) to have sex during the competition, as long as no champagne was involved. I guess there really is no sex in the champagne room. Oh wait, some scientists actually do say that sex before a combat sport can be good. Why?
Apparently it reduces aggressiveness. Wait, that’s a good thing before an MMA fight? I don’t understand this science shit at all…
In closing, fuck the science, because none of the scientists even make sense here. Though I’d love to get Stephen Hawking’s opinion on the matter, if for no other reason than to hear his talking machine say, “sex.” The best way to prove this once and for all? Go balls deep, then ball out, and see what happens. Who knows, maybe women and sports really do mix after all.