Life
by Fitz E Fresh on September 5, 2012

Q: A girl once told me that semen tastes like egg drop soup. Needless to say, I've not eaten any egg drop soup since. Then again, egg drop soup–like all Chinese food–is dog sh*t, so it didn't much alter my lifestyle. Do you find the tastes of egg drop soup and semen analogous (that is, assuming you have tasted semen, which you may not have)?

A: I’ve never been a fan of Chinese food. Except General Tso’s Chicken, that sh*t is the bomb.

But to be honest, your level of interest in this question leads me to believe that you’re seeking a second opinion rather than third party answer. “A girl” once told you how it tasted? Likely f*cking story, you egg drop soup chugger.

Q: So I'm very good friends with a girl who talks to me a lot…and today she just told me she had tried anal with her friend in the mall and now she was worried. How the f**k am I supposed to respond to that? We aren't dating or anything, but she wants to date me.

A: Was that a typo? Or did you really mean to tell me that a friend of yours tried anal, at a mall? I’m trying to figure out what you could have possibly meant to spell instead..and in the end I think you meant anal.

Frankly I’m f*cking weirded out, and unsure how to advise you on the issue. Except to say that if she did in fact try anal…at the mall…that you should absolutely never date her.

Q: There’s this girl who lives 2 hours away — she wants to marry me, and I want to marry her. We are seeing each other on weekends because of college…I'm only 19 and she is 18, yet, she wants to start a life and family with me; too young?

A: Yes, Bro. Way, way, too f*cking young.

Q: So basically, there's this girl that I've been really good friends with for a while who’s kind of into me but I just view her as a friend (she's nice but she's very far from attractive). About a week ago I was extremely drunk at a party and to make a long story short, I don't know if I hooked up with her or not. I'm thinking I may have because she hasn't talked to me since and it is possible because I slept at her house that night; I'm concerned that if I ask her it would piss her off, and I'd like to hear your recommended action for how to ask, and what to do if we did.

A: If you have a mutual girlfriend who you can trust, approach her about it first. Give her your side of the story and see if you find any useful information in return.

If not, you’ve gotta go straight to the source. Approach the ‘far from attractive’ friend with care, and in as vague a manner as possible. For example: open with asking her if she’s upset about last weekend? If she so much as pauses before answering, explain that you were really drunk and hope you didn’t do anything to jeopardize your friendship. At this point she’ll either tell you there’s no need to apologize and she was really drunk too, or she’ll straight up release her rage on you.

I know this might sound a little more serious than you were hoping for, but it’ll get the job done and you’ll have your answer.

If (when) you find out you guys hooked up, throw in an extra apology and make it clear that you don’t want it to affect anything going forward. Clean this sh*t up like an adult. And try to lay off the blackouts.

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