There are 3 things that you never, ever do in life:
1. Chug bleach
2. Leave from any place in the DC area at 5:00 p.m. and hope to make it to your destination without hitting rush hour
3. Call women fat
While numbers 1 and 2 are much more grievous than 3, you still shouldn’t do 3 unless you want to be murdered. In the event that you DO go and fuck your life up, take a lesson from Redditor DoesTheNameGoHere‘s story and make sure all your friends are well-acquainted so they can come to your rescue if need be:
So, I live in a pretty nice apartment building with a roommate, lets call him Tim. I met my girlfriend because a few years ago she moved into the apartment next door. Lets call her Hannah.
Anyway. I’m on the couch in the living room this morning when I’m eating a tub of ice cream. No shame really, just going to town on it. I dont ever tell Hannah when I have ice cream, because the moment she finds out its in my freezer, I have about t minus four seconds until it’s gone. Tim and I have this kind of running joke about the fact that we don’t tell our girlfriends about the ice cream we have because we don’t want them getting fatter. Now, mind you, neither of them are fat at all, we just dont want to share the ice cream.
So I have about a quarter of the container left, when Tim yells “Hey OP, dont you think Hannah would appreciate it if you shared some of your ice cream with her” so naturally my response was “if I give Hannah one more bite of ice cream she’s going to be a clone of Rosey O’Donnell, so I’m gonna finnish this for her sake”.
See, here’s where I fucked up. Hannah was in her bathroom when I said this. And her bathroom shares a wall with my living room. So she heard every word of that. Now, I didnt know she was in there. But I assume she must’ve already been in there an hour because it took about twenty seconds for her to knock on my door, and we all know women can’t pass throw the door of a bathroom twice in the same hour.
So anyways. Hannah knocks on my door. Immediately I knew she had heard that. The look on her face was not anger, it was just blank. So what did I do? I offered her the ice cream, you know, because I’m a dumb ass. So she takes the ice cream, and as if she briefly became possessed by Michael Jordan, launches it across my living room, and nets it right into the trash can.
At this moment I thought one of two things was about to happen. Either my girlfriend was about to use the remaining magic spells she had left to slay me down like Voldemort cutting down harrys parents. Or I was about to do a really poor job explaining what I just said. Sadly, despite the incredible shot, Hannah was not really a wizard and I had explanations to give. So while I’m fumbling over my words, Tim looks this girl in the eye and said to her “OP makes jokes about your weight to me so that I will feel better about never having a girlfriend as pretty as you”.
I dont know what sorcery this guy was using, but Hannah looks at me and says “awwwwww, you really think I’m that pretty?”.
tl;dr my roommate is the greatest bro of all time. My girlfriend is probably a little slow.
[H/T Reddit]