Life
by Walt on May 16, 2012

One of the natural consequences of this situation is that everyone comes home for Summer break a changed man (or woman) The mousy girl who used to wear a chastity belt and refused to drink now has a clit ring and visible cold sores. That kid who used to outdrink everyone still does, but now he routinely pees the bed afterwards and keeps a fifth of SoCo under his pillow for “breakfast.” That closeted kid who once went to excruciating lengths to deny his inner homo now wears women’s pants and gives better-than-average blow-jobs (from what I hear). And the skinny girls…well, they aren’t anymore.

Me, I came home from freshman year no longer just the third coolest kid in high school – I came home a pothead. Because smoking weed all the time is just an easy habit to pick up when you suddenly have a ton of free time on your hands and nobody around to make you do something constructive with it.

But heed my advice — as someone who worked many a probation hour compliments of the fun police otherwise known as my school’s Office of Student Conduct – when I say this: don’t be an idiot about it. It’s called a safety meeting for a reason. Your school can and will bend you over and tickle your red-eyed, hemp-wearing ass with the long dick of the law if you’re a careless pot-smoker. Don’t be that kid.

Instead, refer to my 8-Step Guide to Safely Smoking Out Your Dorm Room:

1. Keep your bud hidden and sealed.

Mason jars and pill cases work well. So do the fancy hermetic containers you can buy at head shops. I always found a few dirty socks, rubber bands and a constant dousing with AXE to suffice in a pinch. Just don’t leave your dankest in a pile on the coffee table next to a sideways Roor and a puddle of bong water. You just never know when those rent-a-piggies gonna come knocking.

2. Be the guy who has eyedrops on hand all the time.

Especially if you’re the one whose eyes go zero to pink-eye after a bowl or two.

3. Control the airflow.

Ideally you’ve got two windows. Open them both to create circulation rather than a draught. If you only have one, place a fan somewhere nearby to keep that sticky sweet aroma from leaking out into the hallway. Damming the bottom of your door with towels or duct tape is another strategy to consider, although I’m not totally convinced that does anything more than relieve your paranoid friend by a measure.

4. Some call it a doob tube.

Others call it a sploof. Take the cardboard from an empty toilet paper roll, stuff it with dryer sheets, then cap it by pulling a dryer sheet tight over one end and securing it with tape or a rubber band. After every rip, blow your emissions through the tube (aimed at the open window, of course). Should smell just like clean linen. Well, that and weed.

5. Invest in a vaporizer.

Not only do vaporizers conserve your stash at an efficient enough clip to pay for themselves in a few short months, they also render skunky weed far less skunky. Should smell just like chocolate chip cookies. Well, that and weed.

6. Sleep with your RA (if RA is of the opposite sex).

One of my buddies spent most nights freshman year with his head buried between our bog monster of an RA’s furry thighs. While we didn’t appreciate the dark, curly hairs his lips sometimes left on the rim of our bong, we couldn’t complain about the fact that she ignored our Jamaica-scented rooms when she was on duty.

7. Don’t act a fool.

So you just polished off a blunt the size of a baby’s arm? Probably best that you lay low for a while. I.e. keep the music down, cache your stash, and don’t wander around the halls in your underwear telling people you lost your room number.

8. Know your rights.

If the campus 5-0 ever do show up at your door, don’t panic. Act stubborn and incredulous and bar them from searching your room. They can’t just force their way in without probable cause. This might be a good time to pitch your beloved chillum out the window, though (I miss you, Chubbs).

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