I’ll warn you guys, this is long…really, really fucking long. But the payoff is 100% worth it, and it’s not like you’re doing anything important right now anyway. You’re probably:
A. Sitting in class, not paying attention
B. Sitting at the office, not paying attention
C. Sitting at home, bored
So obviously, you’ve got some time to kill. Why not spend it reading this story about how this 19 year-old bro was killin’ it with the hottest Russian you’ll never have sex with and wound up getting busted by a SWAT team? I promise, it’s worth it. Would I lie? Of course I wouldn’t, and neither would Reddit user Redditscott, who just happens to be the 19 year old ladykiller in the story.
…I was younger at the time, about 19 years old and was working at an Italian restaurant in the town that I live in. I live in a decently sized beach town that has no little to no crime and feels very much like a small town.
The bosses at the restaurant I worked at were only a few years older than me and had hired me basically because I made them laugh during the interview. I realized this was important on my first day, because basically every other employee at the restaurant were girls. Hot ones. Like it’s hard to concentrate on what you were doing hot. Of course my bosses did this so that they could hook up with them after work. And it worked. I regularly witnessed this process. So it was never surprising when one wouldn’t show up and they’d hire another hot one sometime thereafter. I actually became numb to it. Instead of trying to act cool when a hot girl showed up for her first day, I was actually just cool about it. Because I was never the one getting laid. The bosses monopolized every chance that walked in through the front door.
So when one day, a mid 30’s supermodel faced Russian girl walked in the front door dressed like me, I didn’t even flinch. She was without a doubt, the new hottest girl at the restaurant. But I was polite and said hi a couple times to her, but ultimately ignored her the first few weeks she worked with me. Mind you, the restaurant was always super busy and I knew that all these girls ended up hooking up with my wealthy, good looking bosses. I knew my chances were slim to none. Why bother even trying?
After a few weeks of basically ignoring this girl, I realize that every day we work together, she basically starts to follow me around. If I’m at the bar, she’s at the bar. If I’m at a break out back, she’s on her break too. We start talking, and she’s funny and I like listening to her. So eventually I start giving her rides home from work and picking her up when she needs it. And thus begins the framework for the most insane hookup night of my life.
See, this girl didn’t own her own car, but lived in a nice house with a roommate in a nice neighborhood. The same neighborhood as my wealthy bosses. My bosses actually had to pass her house on their way home from work. The neighborhood was within walking distance of work, which is why she started working there. So we start getting closer, but like the idiot that I am, I never even begin to think there is potential that I could hook up with her. I’m sure I am completely in the friend zone. And I didn’t care. She’s pretty and she’s hanging around with me and I’m 19. She’s 30 something. I feel special enough.
I also don’t think much of it either when I show up to work and start getting ribbed by one of my bosses about hanging out with her. He teased me in a fun way and I deny there being anything between us because there wasn’t. But after a few days of this, I noticed the boss who primarily hooks up with the girls watching me a lot and not being so nice to me anymore. I’m young, but I immediately understand the problem I’m creating. He hires hot girls and then fucks them. That’s the routine. I’m fucking up his routine. Hottest girl in the restaurant is hanging around me and not him. Being that I like my job, and make way more money than a 19 year old should, I really start pushing away from hot Russian girl. To the point of ignoring her.
This was when I learned an early lesson about really hot girls. One you’ve probably heard before. Their entire adult life is riddled with guys who chase them, constantly pester them and never leave them alone. For a guy, any guy, to completely ignore them, is foreign to them. Paying them no attention will a lot of time actually make them go after you harder. Which is exactly what happened.
So now it’s becoming noticeable to me and everyone else we work with that this girl won’t leave me alone. She begins to hang on me and tease me and do anything that will have me paying attention to her. On one side of the coin, it was awesome. On the other side, I could see my one bosses boiling rage that the younger funny guy he hired was beating him in the hot Russian girl game. And I was just beating him, I was sweeping the series. Without so much as trying.
So one weekend night I show up for work and as soon as I get inside, the boss who has begun to hate me calls me into the office. By the way, let’s call hot, supermodel Russian girl “Anna”.
Boss: “What’s going on with Anna?” Me: “I don’t know, did she not show up?” Boss: “No, I mean with you and her. You guys fucking?”
So I’m young and smart, and know when I shouldn’t let people walk over me or intimidate me. I want to keep my job, but I won’t be a bitch about things either. So smiling I say, “I’m not sure if that’s any of your business.”
Big mistake. The mistake that starts it all. Because he slams the paper’s he working on down hard on the table. He turns around in his chair and says, “Do you like your job? Do you want to keep it?” He knows the answer, so I just stare at him. “Well then stop seeing Anna. Stop picking her up, stop hanging with her every second that you are here. Stop allowing her to hang on you. Or I’ll fire you.” Immediately I understand the depth of how much he is into this girl and he’s willing to fire me over it to get his way. And so I agree. I make the decision right then and there, that I’ll keep away from her. Like I said, I have little to no chance anyway, and I’m making great money. Whatever.
The night begins to wind down and I decide to go take a break out back. I’ve been ignoring Anna all night and my boss is now thoroughly pleased with me. His master scheme has worked and he can get back to trying to fuck the hottest waitress in the restaurant. So I’m sitting out back, not even thinking about the situation when Anna busts out the back door and slams it shut behind her. She’s evidently pissed. She walks right up to me and doesn’t fuck around with what’s on her mind.
Anna: “Are you mad at me?”
Me: “No, look Anna, I like you. You’re great. But us being friends is making shit uncomfortable with the bosses and I. They’re getting pissed at me.”
Anna: “Because (shitty boss) wants to fuck me?”
Me: Yes, because (shitty boss) wants to fuck you.”
Anna: “Do you want to fuck me?”
This is the part in the movie where the record would scratch, and then the main character laughs uncomfortably, completely at a loss for words.
Me: “Um, uh… look, you’re beautiful. No guy who sees you isn’t attracted to you.”
Anna: “I asked if you wanted to fuck me?”
Me: “Yeah. I would fuck you.”
Anna: “Good, then when we got off work tonight, take me back to my place and fuck me.”
And with that she walks off and back into the restaurant. I sit there stunned, in a haze. I’m pretty sure she’s serious. I’m terrified. My life up until this point has been awful drunken hookups with high school girls at parties. I literally can’t think. But I’m in. I’m solidly fucking in. Fuck my boss. This is worth losing my job over.
So we wrap up work and she jumps in my car and we speed off. It’s only when I pull up to her house, do I remember, shit… my boss lives in this neighborhood. I’m pretty sure he has to pass right down this road when he goes home. This must be how he has figured out she and I had been hanging out so much. I can’t leave my car in the driveway. He’ll see it. So she comes up with an idea I can’t disagree with. There’s a doctors office in a business complex right across the street. I can park there and just run back over. It’s perfect.
So I get back to her house, and walk in her front door and walk to her room, and she’s standing in her underwear. It goes without saying that it’s a memory burned into my mind. She takes my hand, sits me down on her bed and what follows is exactly what a 19 year old kid dreams of. So it’s about 30 minutes later and the room is darkly lit and I’m praying to every major deity and thanking them that I haven’t finished too quickly, because I want this moment to last forever. She’s on top of me, and time is in slow motion. It’s the greatest moment of my life at that point. Which is why it took me a few seconds to realize I’m seeing flashlights on her ceiling. I’m also seeing flashlights underneath her door to her room. She notices them first. Then I’m snapped back to reality. She starts to freak out. It’s obviously flashlights. Pouring into her house.
Being that I was the guy, and the guy is always supposed to protect the girl, I run naked to one of the windows. I look outside to see (and I’m not exaggerating here) 10 to 12 police cars with their lights on. In my peripheral I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Slowly approaching is 5 officers dressed completely in SWAT gear. My only rational thought is that I’m watching all this and I’m naked. I no longer have an erection. I grab my boxers, throw them on and go to run back to the window. They’re at this house, but this can’t be for us. I’m confused.
From outside, a man yells, “(Town I live in) Police! Open the front door immediately! The house is surrounded! We have a K-9 Unit! We will send him in if you don’t comply!” I don’t even think. I’m not a guy who gets in trouble a lot and have police officers in my family. The police tells you to do something, you do it. End of discussion. So I run to the front door, I swing it open and am staring at about 20 officers. SWAT included. Now my erection is inside me. I put my hands up, and go to speak when a hand comes out of nowhere and whips me to the ground. In my underwear. And it’s raining. I land in a puddle. Hard. I hear hot Russian girl scream. The police rush past and enter the house. What the fuck is happening? I now have a vagina.
I’m cuffed, there’s dog’s barking. Knees into my neck and I’m throw into the car while I’m asking what is happening. A few minutes pass and I turn to see hot Russian girl’s roommate and hot Russian girl in my t-shirt and a towel talking to police. They’re both cuffed. I’m sitting the back of the squad car for about a minute when I glance across the street and see 3 more police cars parked next to my Jeep. Where I had parked in the business complex. That perfect parking spot to hide from my boss. Then it dawns on me. It wasn’t a perfect spot. Because it was well passed midnight. We work at a restaurant that doesn’t get out till late. So I parked my car in an empty business parking lot, late at night, got out and ran around the side of the building. Mind you, I’m dressed in black from my job. Late at night, dressed in black, running around the side of a closed building. That probably looked pretty suspicious to the elderly security guard who patrolled the complex at night.
So he made a call to the sheriff. So I know you’re thinking at this point, well there’s no way this many officers, let alone SWAT would show up for this. But they did. And here’s why. The security guard went to the building to play police officer while waiting for the cops to arrive. He got out his flashlight and went searching apparently from building to building looking into windows. He at one point climbed up on a bench and looked inside a window and slipped and his flashlight crashed into and through a window. So now the alarms have gone off. When the police finally show up, he completely neglects to mention, he’s the one who set off the alarm. Being that he’s old, I’ve kind of forgiven him since then. So when the cops go searching the buildings they not only find a broken window, but know someone has attempted to get inside. Obviously. But they can’t find me. Because I’m across the street having the greatest night of my life. So they call the K-9 Unit for a search. Which just so happens to be doing a late night training operation with the local SWAT team. What better way to train, then to do a real world exercise with someone breaking and entering.
But it gets better. My roommates girlfriend drove a nice car. An older Mercedes. A Mercedes that had just recently been in a minor car accident the week before. Damage right to the driver side of her car. Not major, but a nice little dent. So when the K-9 sniffs and tracks me passed the building, right up to the house I’m in, (yeah the dogs noses are that good) they now see a car that looks like it has been kicked in and house with basically no lights on in it. They treat the situation as if I could be running and trying to get away from them. Which gets us back to where I’m at. Soaked, in my underwear, in the back of a squad car.
Now I know this has been a long story, and if you’ve stuck with it, the payoff is coming right now. And it’s an amazing payoff.
When I’m pulled out of the car, I explain the same story to them that hot Russian girl has told them: my boss told me to stay away and so I parked my car across the street to get laid. Basically word for word. The look they all give each other was priceless. I’ll cherish that look forever. But, they now realize they have fucked up majorly but don’t want to admit it just yet. There’s about 10 cops standing around me outside of the car.
SWAT guy: “How’d the window get broken?”
Me: “I don’t know, I didn’t touch anything. I just ran around the side to her house.”
Officer: “The security guard just told us he accidentally broke it, he didn’t tell us that earlier.”
SWAT guy: “So you’re over here, kinda hooking up?”
Me: “Yes sir. We work together. We just got off work. That’s why I just parked there.”
SWAT guy #2: “She’s like in her 30’s. You look about 16.”
Me: “I’m 19. But yeah, she’s older than me.”
SWAT guy: “Wow.”
A couple chuckes. Then silence.
SWAT guy: “Seriously… good for you man. I’m amazed. You’re on another level then I was at your age.”
They then begin to apologize and begin to say things like “You understand we were just doing our jobs, we didn’t know what was actually happening. You could have been dangerous” etc. etc.
So I tell them not to worry and that I have police family members and completely understand. I won’t be suing them or filing reports or anything. I just want the cuffs off. So they continue to be extra nice as they turn me around to take my cuffs off. So the payoff I’ve been talking about… the amazing kicker to the whole story. When they turn me around, I’m now facing back out across the street, in my underwear with the cuffs still on, and I see both my bosses pulled over on the side of the road, sitting on the side of their car, watching the whole thing. How long they have been there, I don’t know. There were so many cop cars in the street they had to stop and wait.
I was fired the next day.
P.S. On a side note, I dated that hot Russian supermodel for about a year and gained almost legendary status around just about everybody I knew for dating her. So it was worth it. Also, that boss lost his restaurant and became a cop. I was accepted into the police academy a month ago. I’ll probably be seeing everybody in this story on a regular basis again. =)
Doesn’t matter had sex.
I want more like this!
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